i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty