Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them