If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My feet surprised me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.