I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up