So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
please don't ironically join a cult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy