It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN