my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.