I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way