Texts From Last Night

Best Nights of Today

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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.

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  (306): it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do. http://tfl.nu/dtwv
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.

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  (859): Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy. http://tfl.nu/uf16
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  (954): View more from Florida

  He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"

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  (954): He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good" http://tfl.nu/rht4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update

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  (215): Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update http://tfl.nu/adag
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really

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  (+44): although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really http://tfl.nu/kxvm
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.

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  (727): I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon. http://tfl.nu/enfa
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment

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  (513): I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment http://tfl.nu/26yo
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing

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  (503): Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing http://tfl.nu/v3ef
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Explain the King Dong next to my face.

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  (570): Explain the King Dong next to my face. http://tfl.nu/zscw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert

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  (203): I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert http://tfl.nu/7kxa
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"

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  (918): The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo" http://tfl.nu/4ubw
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day

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  (813): Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day http://tfl.nu/x25b
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.

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  (321): Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up. http://tfl.nu/21lu
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.

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  (716): I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine. http://tfl.nu/pta5
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.

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  (520): At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget. http://tfl.nu/wj00
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