Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
its like you know when i get waxed
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.