You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!