you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?