There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp