You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.