My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
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You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.