We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually