I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
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Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.