There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.