Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice