I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT