I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.