I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?