3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.