You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
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She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.