I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend