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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Vodka?
Forever.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
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