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Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
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