Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Follow @tfln