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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
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