Texts From Last Night

natatat's Favorites Texts:

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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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  (401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq
  Replies (28) Good night (1305) Bad night (5189) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I think you may want to look into that...

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  (519): someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement" (403): I think you may want to look into that... http://tfl.nu/qglv
  Replies (5) Good night (855) Bad night (2776)
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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  (952): You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear http://tfl.nu/fvq9
  Replies (10) Good night (2061) Bad night (3581) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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  (907): I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out. http://tfl.nu/os26
  Replies (17) Good night (3831) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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  (920): I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips http://tfl.nu/g3ng
  Replies (6) Good night (2937) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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  (336): Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape. http://tfl.nu/9ahj
  Replies (3) Good night (3126) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
  Replies (16) Good night (7581) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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  (919): you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt. http://tfl.nu/2jv4
  Replies (10) Good night (6698) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
  Replies (4) Good night (4749) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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  (617): Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy. http://tfl.nu/ysza
  Replies (30) Good night (3915) Bad night (2080) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
  Replies (12) Good night (7594) Bad night (895)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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  (612): He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?" http://tfl.nu/lotk
  Replies (10) Good night (3165) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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  (978): sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky http://tfl.nu/aofd
  Replies (17) Good night (4478) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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  (416): You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water.. http://tfl.nu/3ccr
  Replies (16) Good night (1144) Bad night (4011)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
  Replies (30) Good night (14483) Bad night (1049)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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  (206): I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick. http://tfl.nu/yyxj
  Replies (8) Good night (1147) Bad night (3825) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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  (215): Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour.... http://tfl.nu/achx
  Replies (6) Good night (3815) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?

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  (508): Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"? http://tfl.nu/9ial
  Replies (29) Good night (901) Bad night (2793) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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  (224): you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney http://tfl.nu/cyaf
  Replies (3) Good night (3515) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

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  (507): I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why http://tfl.nu/wixc
  Replies (6) Good night (2423) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
  Replies (50) Good night (19646) Bad night (1993) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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  (708): I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them http://tfl.nu/hbhk
  Replies (8) Good night (4060) Bad night (944) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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  (832): Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella. http://tfl.nu/o5ml
  Replies (14) Good night (5234) Bad night (2430) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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  (208): Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese http://tfl.nu/a9is
  Replies (4) Good night (4605) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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  (904): my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower. http://tfl.nu/bnhm
  Replies (10) Good night (3683) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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  (860): That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog http://tfl.nu/ckju
  Replies (6) Good night (1180) Bad night (2855) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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  (402): The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again. http://tfl.nu/sd6x
  Replies (11) Good night (1410) Bad night (3437) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Salt in an open wound right now.

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  (301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1
  Replies (17) Good night (1470) Bad night (4981)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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  (902): i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see.. http://tfl.nu/ubpf
  Replies (9) Good night (4017) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
  Replies (15) Good night (8396) Bad night (1027)
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
  Replies (55) Good night (21363) Bad night (1236) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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  (615): Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again. http://tfl.nu/rwfi
  Replies (17) Good night (4185) Bad night (1056) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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  (801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up
  Replies (12) Good night (4987) Bad night (1249) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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  (541): You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night. http://tfl.nu/2m2y
  Replies (6) Good night (4403) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose

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  (305): what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose http://tfl.nu/99kl
  Replies (9) Good night (1295) Bad night (3853) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
  Replies (33) Good night (8169) Bad night (1413)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

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  (757): Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions http://tfl.nu/0uvp
  Replies (6) Good night (3295) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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  (229): You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru http://tfl.nu/iwra
  Replies (10) Good night (4451) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (302): I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/y6ds
  Replies (12) Good night (4939) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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  (910): You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?" http://tfl.nu/kb6v
  Replies (12) Good night (5534) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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  (803): Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night http://tfl.nu/ewza
  Replies (9) Good night (1041) Bad night (6190) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
  Replies (13) Good night (8165) Bad night (1203) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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  (619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8
  Replies (14) Good night (5997) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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  (847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6
  Replies (23) Good night (7697) Bad night (1103) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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  (310): I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila. http://tfl.nu/yi5v
  Replies (13) Good night (1965) Bad night (5842)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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  (425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq
  Replies (14) Good night (5466) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.

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  (847): I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around. http://tfl.nu/b39f
  Replies (10) Good night (1103) Bad night (4569) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
  Replies (31) Good night (14744) Bad night (1578) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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  (262): This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year" http://tfl.nu/hf6v
  Replies (9) Good night (1125) Bad night (6202) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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  (914): shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness http://tfl.nu/7ruk
  Replies (32) Good night (1902) Bad night (4557) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.

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  (803): Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing. http://tfl.nu/46mh
  Replies (6) Good night (704) Bad night (2787) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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  (562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u
  Replies (8) Good night (5379) Bad night (742)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
  Replies (21) Good night (6846) Bad night (1445)
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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  (731): He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars.... http://tfl.nu/aa23
  Replies (15) Good night (1164) Bad night (8080) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
  Replies (9) Good night (5207) Bad night (787) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
  Replies (12) Good night (8977) Bad night (1053) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
  Replies (15) Good night (6728) Bad night (1796) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (67) Good night (12672) Bad night (2171) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.

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  (785): I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive. http://tfl.nu/o6oy
  Replies (6) Good night (3897) Bad night (1182) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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  (256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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  (301): She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice.... http://tfl.nu/0ncm
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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  (201): oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay. http://tfl.nu/lkny
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  (516): View more from New York

  How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

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  (516): How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear? http://tfl.nu/ycsa
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  (415): View more from California

  Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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  (415): Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea. http://tfl.nu/bfzd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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  (330): My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob http://tfl.nu/j762
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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  (412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a
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  (650): View more from California

  We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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  (650): We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag. http://tfl.nu/1x8m
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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  (816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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  (419): You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out. http://tfl.nu/n9rj
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

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  (214): It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls. http://tfl.nu/oc6k
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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  (508): Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit" http://tfl.nu/xujf
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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  (704): He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/j8z9
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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  (781): he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where. http://tfl.nu/dvsr
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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  (832): you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would. http://tfl.nu/dwd2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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  (724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
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  (818): View more from California

  I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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  (818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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  (267): your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats http://tfl.nu/u2vh
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

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  (978): Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"?? http://tfl.nu/v3ie
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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  (352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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  (973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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  (908): i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried http://tfl.nu/sini
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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  (440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana. http://tfl.nu/g8b3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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  (720): It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants http://tfl.nu/j8mk
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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  (423): headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home http://tfl.nu/dqj3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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  (703): so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine. http://tfl.nu/s4y5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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  (847): Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels. http://tfl.nu/hv8u
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

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  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

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  (225): ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today http://tfl.nu/mtu3
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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  (918): When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty http://tfl.nu/ybq4
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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  (580): Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged. http://tfl.nu/xha8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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  (908): this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up. http://tfl.nu/ay5l
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  (831): View more from California

  period poops. best. ever.

  (925): View more from California

  omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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  (831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I didnt dude, i swear!

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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  (952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon (612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon http://tfl.nu/i90q
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  why is allison so mad at me??

  (469): View more from Texas

  me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  crap..

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  (318): why is allison so mad at me?? (469): me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!". (318): crap.. http://tfl.nu/7nes
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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  (612): you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all. http://tfl.nu/uo2n
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Maybe....

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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  (540): Are you pooping in the stall next to me? (404): Maybe.... (540): Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts. http://tfl.nu/wph3
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up in my neighbors garage.

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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  (931): just woke up in my neighbors garage. (931): scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage. http://tfl.nu/x40j
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on

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  (864): I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on http://tfl.nu/cdph
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  (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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  (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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  (717): where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from? http://tfl.nu/obbh
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  i hope so.

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  (252): woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night? (816): i hope so. http://tfl.nu/2flb
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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  (504): there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now http://tfl.nu/squr
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

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  (214): You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet. http://tfl.nu/ajf1
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  (813): View more from Florida

  running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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  (813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike http://tfl.nu/e4pf
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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  (816): I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight. (417): I'm going for alcohol poisoning. http://tfl.nu/l0is
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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  (717): some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on http://tfl.nu/6iv3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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  (515): Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby (1-515): What the fuck were you doing at wal mart? http://tfl.nu/0ikn
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  bitch

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  (262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five (1-262): bitch http://tfl.nu/m1tn
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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  (360): He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees http://tfl.nu/gf2k
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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  (203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night http://tfl.nu/hkfs
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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  (630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell.. http://tfl.nu/hsjq
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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  (484): Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner. http://tfl.nu/ytfs
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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  (732): i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry. http://tfl.nu/ss0l
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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  (706): Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic http://tfl.nu/himg
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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  (901): I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus. http://tfl.nu/pp37
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  (310): View more from California

  When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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  (310): When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth http://tfl.nu/ve5l
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What?!

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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  (913): Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom... (1-913): What?! (913): Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!! http://tfl.nu/4m0s
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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  (410): As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie. (443): im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile http://tfl.nu/7kar
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?

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  (630): hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister? http://tfl.nu/p7gf
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Don't worry about it.

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  (217): Why is there a cactus in the microwave? (1-217): Don't worry about it. http://tfl.nu/f5vn
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

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  (301): im trying to catch a child molester. call you later. http://tfl.nu/dlxg
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  (253): View more from Washington

  so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

  (253): View more from Washington

  no more ever clear

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  (253): so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning (1-253): because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha' (253): no more ever clear http://tfl.nu/f9lp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

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  (703): threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased. http://tfl.nu/r0ay
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  Mom wtf!?

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  (407): Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :) (1-407): Mom wtf!? http://tfl.nu/scw1
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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  (972): You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried. http://tfl.nu/sffp
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

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  (780): He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana http://tfl.nu/rg2f
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...

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  (614): she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean... http://tfl.nu/ja4j
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  (415): View more from California

  Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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  (415): Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok http://tfl.nu/rrpn
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (516): View more from New York

  A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.

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  (516): A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood. http://tfl.nu/uye1
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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  (514): Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta. http://tfl.nu/sa2y
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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  (443): He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep. http://tfl.nu/lshi
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.

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  (301): All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order. http://tfl.nu/n0bh
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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  (615): i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat http://tfl.nu/x2jk
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  (817): View more from Texas

  What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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  (817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"? http://tfl.nu/9rca
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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  (919): please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys http://tfl.nu/inic
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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  (513): I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim. http://tfl.nu/b9e4
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

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  (586): yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster. http://tfl.nu/tawm
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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  (251): Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer? (1-251): Why are you in my underwear drawer? http://tfl.nu/y2d4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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  (860): he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape (617): wtf, did you fuck a retard?! http://tfl.nu/q1iv
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I learned to sign I want to be on you today

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Score

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Deaf chicks here I come

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  (309): I learned to sign I want to be on you today (1-309): Score (309): Deaf chicks here I come http://tfl.nu/h0zi
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Who pooed in my magic bullet?

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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  (613): Who pooed in my magic bullet? (1-613): Sorry the bathroom was being used. http://tfl.nu/qp1c
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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  (404): look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose http://tfl.nu/df7a
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.

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  (604): What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners. http://tfl.nu/ayy8
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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  (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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  (850): Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller? http://tfl.nu/lnof
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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  (405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation. http://tfl.nu/os3u
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I heard you threw up in your lap?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  I heard that too.

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  (541): I heard you threw up in your lap? (1-541): I heard that too. http://tfl.nu/s86w
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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  (910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!' http://tfl.nu/7tsr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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  (519): oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again http://tfl.nu/6u76
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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  (610): Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo http://tfl.nu/aw10
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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  (469): Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick http://tfl.nu/zqfp
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  (813): View more from Florida

  there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.

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  (813): there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it. http://tfl.nu/a1l8
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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  (781): Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart. http://tfl.nu/ct0g
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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  (312): kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it. http://tfl.nu/8mle
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number

  (813): View more from Florida

  so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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  (813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter. (407): i think you have the wrong number (813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool. http://tfl.nu/uuec
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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  (337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel. http://tfl.nu/jndo
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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  (919): I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx. http://tfl.nu/hq1e
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  (831): View more from California

  You should get sea herpes

  (831): View more from California

  I mean sea horses

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  (831): You should get sea herpes (831): I mean sea horses http://tfl.nu/2vm6
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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  (860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/xs1z
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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  (281): i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/eja8
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.

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  (704): I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum. http://tfl.nu/041y
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?

  (1-705): View more from Ontario

  That would be awkward if he commented on your status

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  (705): Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom? (1-705): That would be awkward if he commented on your status http://tfl.nu/877y
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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  (973): who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture? http://tfl.nu/e2ho
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.

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  (814): If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already. http://tfl.nu/owi8
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  (718): View more from New York

  you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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  (718): you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out http://tfl.nu/3q0w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

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  (919): I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during http://tfl.nu/dav8
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  (760): View more from California

  Joe is yelling at the trees again.

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  (760): Joe is yelling at the trees again. http://tfl.nu/dpjn
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?

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  (256): Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face? http://tfl.nu/ju4e
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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  (501): He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer. http://tfl.nu/ubeq
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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  (717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9" http://tfl.nu/v0g1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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  (678): I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me http://tfl.nu/yjun
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  put a dollar in it?

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  (319): umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do (1-319): put a dollar in it? http://tfl.nu/6gdy
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  (562): View more from California

  Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar

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  (562): Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar http://tfl.nu/ilql
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever

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  (503): I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever http://tfl.nu/qcqe
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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  (717): im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra http://tfl.nu/5ubo
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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  (704): you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks http://tfl.nu/c3vj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think my fart just growled at me.

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  (203): I think my fart just growled at me. http://tfl.nu/gjsq
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We need to get cat food

  (713): View more from Texas

  Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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  (713): We need to get cat food (713): Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms http://tfl.nu/t07l
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

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  (832): I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up. http://tfl.nu/vunl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Haha how much did you smoke

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  4 feet of smokeee!

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  (570): "Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another? (609): Haha how much did you smoke (570): 4 feet of smokeee! http://tfl.nu/eyp0
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  (213): View more from California

  I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday

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  (213): I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday http://tfl.nu/jq66
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  (650): View more from California

  i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

  (408): View more from California

  Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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  (650): i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner! (408): Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland... http://tfl.nu/1sp2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you want 1 or 2 eggos?

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  (617): i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions (617): you want 1 or 2 eggos? http://tfl.nu/kwdg
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Call me "white mamba"

  (334): View more from Alabama

  Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

  (251): View more from Alabama

  It is white.

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  (251): Call me "white mamba" (334): Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake (251): It is white. http://tfl.nu/1p0c
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i can juggle bunnies

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  cool

  (802): View more from Vermont

  on fire

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  (802): i can juggle bunnies (1-802): cool (802): on fire http://tfl.nu/wqba
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  (972): View more from Texas

  like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

  (214): View more from Texas

  I hope to god you are high

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  (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys (214): I hope to god you are high http://tfl.nu/z79a
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (323): View more from California

  forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

  (310): View more from California

  my version of bright and sunny.

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  (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny. http://tfl.nu/6mbu
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (916): View more from California

  I hate ducks.

  (916): View more from California

  What?

  (916): View more from California

  they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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  (916): I hate ducks. (916): What? (916): they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck. http://tfl.nu/gesm
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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  (604): Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den. http://tfl.nu/26h2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Hi

  (805): View more from California

  Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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  (425): Hi (805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now http://tfl.nu/5pqv
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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  (717): Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too? (206): Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no. http://tfl.nu/3dwz
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  (845): View more from New York

  At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.

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  (845): At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare. http://tfl.nu/jdv9
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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  id be glad to

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  (804): id be glad to http://tfl.nu/spx7
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  (310): View more from California

  dude i need help, im throwing up blood.

  (323): View more from California

  no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.

  (310): View more from California

  oh, so thats why my junks red.

  (323): View more from California

  wow. cant help you there...

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  (310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood. (323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up. (310): oh, so thats why my junks red. (323): wow. cant help you there... http://tfl.nu/yeir
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He has such a weird drunk-voice.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  dude, he's deaf.

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  (417): He has such a weird drunk-voice. (1-417): dude, he's deaf. http://tfl.nu/4u2p
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Yeah, i think she was German or something.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.

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  (405): Yeah, i think she was German or something. (1-405): No dude, she's just got a speech impediment. http://tfl.nu/y6oj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  we're not divorced.

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  (214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced. http://tfl.nu/1yaa
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  (914): View more from New York

  ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  jesus mom

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  (914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum? (773): jesus mom http://tfl.nu/qe6d
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  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

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  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  yo i have your phone

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  ... oh so you probably won't get this message

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  (202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Yo quero taco bell

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  (857): He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef (617): Yo quero taco bell http://tfl.nu/9ye7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person

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  (773) i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst. (773)SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person http://tfl.nu/tfn0
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