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He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
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