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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
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