Texts From Last Night

freefallin4eva's Favorites Texts:

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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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  (613): There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave" http://tfl.nu/7c09
  Replies (1) Good night (910) Bad night (217)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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  (303): My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..." http://tfl.nu/535j
  Replies (5) Good night (997) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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  (931): Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close. http://tfl.nu/0xt0
  Replies (3) Good night (691) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless

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  (949): When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless http://tfl.nu/xa8r
  Replies (7) Good night (1013) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...

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  (859): you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection. (1-859): ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave... http://tfl.nu/0oli
  Replies (3) Good night (638) Bad night (431)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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  (850): He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really. (412): And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk http://tfl.nu/08bn
  Replies (7) Good night (1474) Bad night (232)
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (2824) Bad night (267)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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  (306): This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks. http://tfl.nu/6laj
  Replies (4) Good night (1567) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic

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  (765): My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/h32f
  Replies (0) Good night (467) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.

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  (865): I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday. http://tfl.nu/q5oo
  Replies (0) Good night (508) Bad night (210)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent

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  (404): Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent http://tfl.nu/17u7
  Replies (0) Good night (763) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2096) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?

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  (785): Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird? http://tfl.nu/9vh0
  Replies (8) Good night (1183) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.

  (813): View more from Florida

  You always make things weird.

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  (863): Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower. (813): You always make things weird. http://tfl.nu/1vvg
  Replies (6) Good night (893) Bad night (197)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.

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  (815): Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for. http://tfl.nu/bju4
  Replies (2) Good night (634) Bad night (185) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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  (606): Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any http://tfl.nu/tvgl
  Replies (3) Good night (824) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2783) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.

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  (203): I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was. http://tfl.nu/rzaa
  Replies (3) Good night (765) Bad night (225)
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  (914): View more from New York

  But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.

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  (914): But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level. http://tfl.nu/ncka
  Replies (2) Good night (374) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper

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  (704): I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper http://tfl.nu/u2a8
  Replies (12) Good night (865) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse

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  (651): I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse http://tfl.nu/8kf4
  Replies (2) Good night (274) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea

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  (269): So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea http://tfl.nu/13gp
  Replies (5) Good night (451) Bad night (1461)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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  (813): People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits? http://tfl.nu/du6g
  Replies (6) Good night (2960) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
  Replies (8) Good night (3673) Bad night (514)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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  (403): So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine... http://tfl.nu/hixx
  Replies (12) Good night (3698) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced

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  (509): He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced http://tfl.nu/0gfy
  Replies (7) Good night (1452) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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  (831): She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock" http://tfl.nu/hp1z
  Replies (26) Good night (4654) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.

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  (440): You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage. http://tfl.nu/sj4s
  Replies (9) Good night (856) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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  (818): The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me. http://tfl.nu/w1nr
  Replies (18) Good night (5779) Bad night (407)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".

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  (509): Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable". http://tfl.nu/w1e1
  Replies (19) Good night (1484) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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  (604): he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink... http://tfl.nu/ok76
  Replies (20) Good night (788) Bad night (3516) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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  (931): Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this. http://tfl.nu/inch
  Replies (8) Good night (4075) Bad night (655)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
  Replies (12) Good night (2625) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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  (509): Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself. http://tfl.nu/tjqn
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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  (913): How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways. (913): 1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me http://tfl.nu/tb9a
  Replies (12) Good night (3252) Bad night (566)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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  (409): Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo http://tfl.nu/65rk
  Replies (15) Good night (2362) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (4214) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  ....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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  (405): New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot. (580): ....this is what your political science major is getting you? http://tfl.nu/c72s
  Replies (8) Good night (2062) Bad night (485)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (6175) Bad night (792)
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15854) Bad night (836)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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  (734): Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out. http://tfl.nu/s89t
  Replies (9) Good night (3630) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
  Replies (34) Good night (6820) Bad night (1741)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
  Replies (17) Good night (7152) Bad night (805) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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  (706): Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note http://tfl.nu/2uyq
  Replies (5) Good night (4102) Bad night (700)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

  (406): View more from Montana

  Hospital.

  (509): View more from Washington

  I am invincible.

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  (509): Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all. (406): Hospital. (509): I am invincible. http://tfl.nu/el46
  Replies (10) Good night (2360) Bad night (999)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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  (425): He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that. http://tfl.nu/0n60
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

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  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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  (248): he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg. http://tfl.nu/hgt4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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  (503): Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower? http://tfl.nu/g495
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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  (508): Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying. http://tfl.nu/h4eg
  Replies (7) Good night (5682) Bad night (1214)
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  (831): View more from California

  Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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  (831): Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot. http://tfl.nu/f3j9
  Replies (20) Good night (6307) Bad night (1003) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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  (304): Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps? http://tfl.nu/jolf
  Replies (13) Good night (4121) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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  (805): He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/k960
  Replies (23) Good night (1493) Bad night (2122) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.

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  (734): He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good. http://tfl.nu/bj85
  Replies (13) Good night (4502) Bad night (1331) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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  (843): I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier. http://tfl.nu/n87w
  Replies (5) Good night (3518) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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  (843): Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming.. http://tfl.nu/kfd5
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

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  (214): You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp http://tfl.nu/t0a5
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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  (214): My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you http://tfl.nu/i385
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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  (423): I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/5s6y
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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  (513): I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star. http://tfl.nu/6ohf
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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  (505): so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment http://tfl.nu/9rz9
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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  (203): walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something? http://tfl.nu/j190
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (760): View more from California

  I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

  (760): View more from California

  When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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  (760): I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex" (760): When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely." http://tfl.nu/jlap
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  (831): View more from California

  period poops. best. ever.

  (925): View more from California

  omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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  (831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I've always been the spiritual type.

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  (702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (631): View more from New York

  My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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  (631): My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud http://tfl.nu/p0vi
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (253): View more from Washington

  My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"

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  (253): My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair" http://tfl.nu/zzcb
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

  (941): View more from Florida

  better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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  (615): Why do guys in porn never have boxers on? (941): better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn http://tfl.nu/0wxg
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

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  (206): i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate. http://tfl.nu/mwsu
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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  (802): I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/89bk
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (925): View more from California

  Wait, how do girls masturbate?

  (1-925): View more from California

  I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

  (925): View more from California

  ..how does it fit?

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  (925): Wait, how do girls masturbate? (1-925): I dunno we use shower heads I guess. (925): ..how does it fit? http://tfl.nu/ktf5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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  (636): His pubic hair was longer than his dick http://tfl.nu/f6nh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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  (972): Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think? http://tfl.nu/cxvx
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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  (205): i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL! http://tfl.nu/gtw6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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  (617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet http://tfl.nu/fxai
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  (281): View more from Texas

  had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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  (281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag. http://tfl.nu/mbm9
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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  (706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore http://tfl.nu/b6gx
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

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  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

  (1-509): View more from Washington

  talent.

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  (509): I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy? (1-509): talent. http://tfl.nu/18h3
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I am in shape. i keep telling you that.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

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  (313): I am in shape. i keep telling you that. (1-313): Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape." http://tfl.nu/2t6h
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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  (902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted. http://tfl.nu/575h
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