Texts From Last Night

ScmexyEsmeralda's Favorites Texts:

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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.

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  (613): You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock. http://tfl.nu/zgub
  Replies (7) Good night (1341) Bad night (270)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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  (262): I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait! http://tfl.nu/9r4q
  Replies (10) Good night (2191) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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  (512): There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls. http://tfl.nu/qrvu
  Replies (6) Good night (1231) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
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  (627): View more from California

  some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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  (627): some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/adi8
  Replies (9) Good night (1710) Bad night (239) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver

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  (760): Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver http://tfl.nu/ovu0
  Replies (2) Good night (551) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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  (+44): I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten. http://tfl.nu/hxkk
  Replies (1) Good night (1088) Bad night (281)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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  (208): Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/sft8
  Replies (3) Good night (626) Bad night (218)
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  (714): View more from California

  Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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  (714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick http://tfl.nu/zf2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2122) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  soon, soon....

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....

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  (732): soon, soon.... (908): I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus..... http://tfl.nu/hpc3
  Replies (4) Good night (756) Bad night (398)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.

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  (443): The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts. http://tfl.nu/2k5o
  Replies (1) Good night (279) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.

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  (312): It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over. http://tfl.nu/eihc
  Replies (3) Good night (738) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

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  (614): Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other http://tfl.nu/gfjj
  Replies (2) Good night (719) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.

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  (251): You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER. http://tfl.nu/1azh
  Replies (6) Good night (341) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm just crazy horny about you

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  (215): I'm just crazy horny about you http://tfl.nu/n9zt
  Replies (11) Good night (1594) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  This is why I married you.

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  (479): The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning. (479): Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight? (1-479): This is why I married you. http://tfl.nu/g5es
  Replies (4) Good night (2519) Bad night (300)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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  (301): The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able. http://tfl.nu/bzys
  Replies (60) Good night (3793) Bad night (707)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
  Replies (13) Good night (3651) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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  (716): Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick! http://tfl.nu/u1do
  Replies (15) Good night (860) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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  (720): We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins. http://tfl.nu/ctwf
  Replies (6) Good night (1508) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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  (916): We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate http://tfl.nu/nz9m
  Replies (6) Good night (1580) Bad night (251)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday

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  (603): Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday http://tfl.nu/obg3
  Replies (10) Good night (1467) Bad night (317) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.

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  (+44): Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least. http://tfl.nu/hzkn
  Replies (11) Good night (1156) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

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  (908): I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling. http://tfl.nu/t9ar
  Replies (6) Good night (1135) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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  (971): you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying http://tfl.nu/m75c
  Replies (8) Good night (1437) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I love you.

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  (214): Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants. (1-214): I love you. http://tfl.nu/sgzz
  Replies (5) Good night (2348) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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  (909): I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused http://tfl.nu/1156
  Replies (13) Good night (1803) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.

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  (209): I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good. http://tfl.nu/spab
  Replies (1) Good night (1030) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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  (910): The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video... http://tfl.nu/iq5u
  Replies (5) Good night (2095) Bad night (392)
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  (956): View more from Texas

  WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

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  (956): WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?! http://tfl.nu/nv7y
  Replies (12) Good night (1672) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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  (310): Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes. http://tfl.nu/zngo
  Replies (2) Good night (1195) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING

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  (209): Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING http://tfl.nu/zpal
  Replies (5) Good night (953) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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  (405): SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine. http://tfl.nu/9wmu
  Replies (3) Good night (1677) Bad night (344)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.

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  (423): I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt. http://tfl.nu/6dgk
  Replies (3) Good night (882) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection

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  (440): I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection http://tfl.nu/hamn
  Replies (2) Good night (1054) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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  (816): So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta http://tfl.nu/t0pt
  Replies (13) Good night (1429) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

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  (805): There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it http://tfl.nu/82im
  Replies (6) Good night (1053) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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  (518): Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you. http://tfl.nu/bm50
  Replies (6) Good night (1830) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

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  (408): My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now. http://tfl.nu/tbbh
  Replies (5) Good night (1165) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just feel like you're using me for sex.

  (383): View more from

  I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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  (401): I just feel like you're using me for sex. (383): I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship http://tfl.nu/typ8
  Replies (16) Good night (2029) Bad night (967)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.

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  (413): dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/a0c8
  Replies (8) Good night (370) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...

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  (828): nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote... http://tfl.nu/xy7a
  Replies (2) Good night (1131) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm driving while wearing hulk hands

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  (954): I'm driving while wearing hulk hands http://tfl.nu/9u1l
  Replies (9) Good night (1638) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...

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  (580): There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber... http://tfl.nu/bvkz
  Replies (5) Good night (1060) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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  (320): No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple http://tfl.nu/sc0u
  Replies (11) Good night (1581) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight

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  (251): when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight http://tfl.nu/vlsg
  Replies (14) Good night (869) Bad night (2123) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

  (1-951): View more from California

  This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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  (951): You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you. (1-951): This is the first time I'm hearing this information. http://tfl.nu/wdlz
  Replies (20) Good night (3494) Bad night (434)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?

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  (940): Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments? http://tfl.nu/lsft
  Replies (3) Good night (1021) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy

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  (970): Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy http://tfl.nu/dxdl
  Replies (7) Good night (2281) Bad night (323)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?

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  (254): when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger? http://tfl.nu/g708
  Replies (13) Good night (1053) Bad night (394)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work

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  (850): apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work http://tfl.nu/utr1
  Replies (10) Good night (935) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily

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  (770): I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily http://tfl.nu/jbfr
  Replies (7) Good night (1915) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.

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  (208): You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch. http://tfl.nu/o56t
  Replies (1) Good night (1157) Bad night (313)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry my hands just texted you

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  (613): Sorry my hands just texted you http://tfl.nu/r5db
  Replies (4) Good night (974) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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  (360): So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five. http://tfl.nu/vwra
  Replies (8) Good night (2333) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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  (304): I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable. http://tfl.nu/maf5
  Replies (22) Good night (4214) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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  (949): So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right? http://tfl.nu/9g1d
  Replies (13) Good night (1267) Bad night (785)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.

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  (520): I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me. http://tfl.nu/h8vm
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  (209): View more from California

  Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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  (209): Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way. http://tfl.nu/s3aa
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  (845): View more from New York

  I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

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  (845): I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog. http://tfl.nu/tom2
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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  (304): Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms. http://tfl.nu/onlr
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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  (229): He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb. http://tfl.nu/1qwr
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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  (252): i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no. http://tfl.nu/99ae
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  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

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  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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  (765): Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you! http://tfl.nu/2ivd
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate

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  (920): So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate http://tfl.nu/3qfe
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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  (208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian. http://tfl.nu/g8r4
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

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  (305): I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel. http://tfl.nu/egxv
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.

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  (780): Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex. http://tfl.nu/0kw1
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

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  (808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION. http://tfl.nu/42zd
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  (310): View more from California

  Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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  (310): Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart http://tfl.nu/wp92
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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  (847): Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight? (262): Do you want cuervo gold or silver? http://tfl.nu/7twk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

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  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
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  (530): View more from California

  It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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  (530): It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle. http://tfl.nu/j4o3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

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  (918): It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin. http://tfl.nu/s6ok
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon

  (407): View more from Florida

  Covered in confetti and bad decisions

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  (407): Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon (407): Covered in confetti and bad decisions http://tfl.nu/kydc
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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  (608): We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth. http://tfl.nu/k58a
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  (760): View more from California

  I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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  (760): I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways? http://tfl.nu/qqdu
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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  (412): New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move... http://tfl.nu/y03w
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?

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  (636): Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown? http://tfl.nu/ay3b
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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  (678): I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation... (404): I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud. http://tfl.nu/9qj8
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  (818): View more from California

  I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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  (818): I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. http://tfl.nu/hxik
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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  (519): He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba. http://tfl.nu/mbtr
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

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  (405): while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love. http://tfl.nu/g8jj
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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  (206): My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town http://tfl.nu/phfq
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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  (330): the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom. http://tfl.nu/2arl
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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  (864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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  (207): He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ. http://tfl.nu/rtl1
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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  (816): Absence makes the cock grow harder. http://tfl.nu/yyl1
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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