Texts From Last Night

NikiDubz's Favorites Texts:

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  (347): View more from New York

  I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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  (347): I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of. http://tfl.nu/xmgz
  Replies (24) Good night (683) Bad night (2325)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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  (314): Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them. http://tfl.nu/ibul
  Replies (5) Good night (3291) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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  (509): Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters http://tfl.nu/r1et
  Replies (20) Good night (3992) Bad night (1124) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.

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  (701): Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically. http://tfl.nu/syut
  Replies (4) Good night (560) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be

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  (206): second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be http://tfl.nu/jh2s
  Replies (11) Good night (594) Bad night (2536) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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  (206): Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :) http://tfl.nu/j8zz
  Replies (20) Good night (3733) Bad night (562)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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  (615): Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist http://tfl.nu/58no
  Replies (8) Good night (1386) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.

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  (952): You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning. http://tfl.nu/mwji
  Replies (3) Good night (404) Bad night (1322) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.

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  (631): I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship. http://tfl.nu/vmw8
  Replies (17) Good night (2354) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6767) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it

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  (907): marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it http://tfl.nu/qmr1
  Replies (2) Good night (1224) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.

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  (949): Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night. http://tfl.nu/dgcc
  Replies (6) Good night (1778) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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  (775): all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now. http://tfl.nu/wlt7
  Replies (16) Good night (2334) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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  (830): I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won. http://tfl.nu/nmjn
  Replies (20) Good night (2988) Bad night (1127) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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  (862): I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands! http://tfl.nu/blis
  Replies (33) Good night (6161) Bad night (1096)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

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  (757): Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi. http://tfl.nu/br2l
  Replies (2) Good night (1937) Bad night (522)
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  (585): View more from New York

  So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?

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  (585): So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar? http://tfl.nu/e57l
  Replies (9) Good night (1173) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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  (707): The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends http://tfl.nu/16wy
  Replies (11) Good night (3159) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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  (585): if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes. http://tfl.nu/m1eq
  Replies (8) Good night (2058) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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  (902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D http://tfl.nu/3txw
  Replies (15) Good night (2340) Bad night (864)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.

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  (623): Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight. http://tfl.nu/ky5x
  Replies (3) Good night (1912) Bad night (1150)
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  (631): View more from New York

  youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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  (631): youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful http://tfl.nu/kqdo
  Replies (11) Good night (2962) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.

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  (863): hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple. http://tfl.nu/ta85
  Replies (11) Good night (1388) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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  (248): Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs http://tfl.nu/e5lz
  Replies (8) Good night (1891) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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  (319): Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong http://tfl.nu/nuya
  Replies (6) Good night (3606) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.

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  (412): He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead. http://tfl.nu/inh1
  Replies (17) Good night (1073) Bad night (3043) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...

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  (760): Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on... http://tfl.nu/jpo3
  Replies (6) Good night (924) Bad night (2430)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

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  (917): This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts. http://tfl.nu/i0fp
  Replies (14) Good night (3011) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
  Replies (13) Good night (8184) Bad night (794)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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  (602): Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...) http://tfl.nu/p4po
  Replies (13) Good night (836) Bad night (1609)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

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  (732): Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore. http://tfl.nu/0dve
  Replies (25) Good night (1310) Bad night (2936) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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  (402): Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this? http://tfl.nu/pyyb
  Replies (6) Good night (1528) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.

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  (607): This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart. http://tfl.nu/peyr
  Replies (17) Good night (2878) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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  (603): nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment. http://tfl.nu/rfmt
  Replies (4) Good night (2111) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  $5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer

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  (205): $5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer http://tfl.nu/vhus
  Replies (9) Good night (2472) Bad night (1137) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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  (203): The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad http://tfl.nu/q1tx
  Replies (16) Good night (3083) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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  (267): Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder? http://tfl.nu/3p5i
  Replies (4) Good night (2946) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.

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  (803): Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization. http://tfl.nu/ap11
  Replies (13) Good night (801) Bad night (2918) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.

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  (321): I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex. http://tfl.nu/mg10
  Replies (6) Good night (2048) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
  Replies (25) Good night (5409) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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  (614): John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it. http://tfl.nu/stvk
  Replies (8) Good night (703) Bad night (2484) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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  (919): I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o9nw
  Replies (12) Good night (2307) Bad night (1248)
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

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  (+27): You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone http://tfl.nu/np51
  Replies (3) Good night (1725) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

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  (717): We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt. http://tfl.nu/sjgj
  Replies (11) Good night (1858) Bad night (828)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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  (775): he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me. http://tfl.nu/rwrr
  Replies (37) Good night (3009) Bad night (4879) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt

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  (704): ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt http://tfl.nu/lv1t
  Replies (5) Good night (876) Bad night (2077) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed

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  (250): Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed http://tfl.nu/yyfl
  Replies (4) Good night (698) Bad night (1845) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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  (704): He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book. http://tfl.nu/dqxa
  Replies (22) Good night (1263) Bad night (3129) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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  (812): Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet. http://tfl.nu/ytjh
  Replies (7) Good night (1097) Bad night (1606) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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  (301): I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked. http://tfl.nu/v26w
  Replies (13) Good night (3268) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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  (765): You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?" http://tfl.nu/g1nx
  Replies (21) Good night (1267) Bad night (3851) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time

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  (251): I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time http://tfl.nu/7lhp
  Replies (7) Good night (675) Bad night (1964) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.

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  (312): I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy. http://tfl.nu/9mbp
  Replies (5) Good night (573) Bad night (2151) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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  (+44): In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent http://tfl.nu/3kq5
  Replies (12) Good night (3598) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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  (608): I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other http://tfl.nu/go45
  Replies (15) Good night (3257) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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  (973): Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride http://tfl.nu/vufa
  Replies (23) Good night (4974) Bad night (1107) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues

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  (210): remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues http://tfl.nu/3lxf
  Replies (9) Good night (648) Bad night (1527) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.

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  (410): The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/hr46
  Replies (5) Good night (2993) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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  (651): Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me. http://tfl.nu/26ae
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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  (+44): I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode. http://tfl.nu/646n
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.

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  (316): As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on. http://tfl.nu/xyx3
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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  (828): Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes. http://tfl.nu/k70t
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Oh shit. There are penis maracas

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  (434): Oh shit. There are penis maracas http://tfl.nu/sti5
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
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  (512): View more from Texas

  we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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  (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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  (623): its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything.. http://tfl.nu/87ir
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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  (215): It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right? http://tfl.nu/00h0
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

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  (859): He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for." http://tfl.nu/4ze1
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.

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  (252): OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD. http://tfl.nu/ob5y
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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  (623): My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here. http://tfl.nu/yssz
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

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  (817): I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut. http://tfl.nu/n51l
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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  (479): Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs. http://tfl.nu/zkx1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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  (970): She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim. http://tfl.nu/tftc
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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  (816): He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/ljav
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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  (713): Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on http://tfl.nu/6fw7
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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  (705): and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good. http://tfl.nu/bblv
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping

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  (216): He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping http://tfl.nu/ku3q
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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  (419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj
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  (415): View more from California

  so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

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  (415): so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then? http://tfl.nu/dz1l
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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  (413): It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex. http://tfl.nu/wrcv
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

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  (703): I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket http://tfl.nu/mrk6
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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  (601): I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise. http://tfl.nu/o61x
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  (646): View more from New York

  but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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  (646): but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered http://tfl.nu/sriz
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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

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  (571): Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was. http://tfl.nu/tmsm
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

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  (517): And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single. http://tfl.nu/lqam
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  (914): View more from New York

  Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down

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  (914): Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down http://tfl.nu/b2xq
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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  (503): im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night http://tfl.nu/l78r
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...

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  (410): I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely... http://tfl.nu/3vo6
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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  (318): We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done http://tfl.nu/r8w7
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.

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  (207): Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers. http://tfl.nu/zz2j
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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  (+44): he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window http://tfl.nu/rkda
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

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  (443): Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere. http://tfl.nu/ui38
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.

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  (630): There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am. http://tfl.nu/bakg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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  (781): Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump? http://tfl.nu/1thl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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  (303): My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/ipi0
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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  (720): If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me http://tfl.nu/f7dp
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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  (941): i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet. http://tfl.nu/jjy9
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

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  (724): Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend. http://tfl.nu/1fim
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

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  (508): in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar. http://tfl.nu/rqsf
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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  (870): It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina http://tfl.nu/15cg
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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  (801): He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex. http://tfl.nu/rz6s
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.

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  (904): I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. http://tfl.nu/je7l
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.

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  (513): We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking. http://tfl.nu/l4c2
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  (716): View more from New York

  my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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  (716): my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in? http://tfl.nu/3561
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???

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  (325): Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong??? http://tfl.nu/adeh
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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  (613): We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed. http://tfl.nu/xcuo
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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  (604): We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE http://tfl.nu/3jc2
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

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  (301): Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes http://tfl.nu/frgb
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed

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  (208): My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed http://tfl.nu/lwb6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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  (717): She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen." http://tfl.nu/c7q3
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

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  (307): He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment. http://tfl.nu/tvxk
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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  (913): Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move. http://tfl.nu/e9ea
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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  (602): Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress. http://tfl.nu/xjnu
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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  (443): please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow http://tfl.nu/myf2
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

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  (360): He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him. http://tfl.nu/cio0
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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  (603): You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time. http://tfl.nu/k6f1
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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  (416): He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex. http://tfl.nu/exbo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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  (402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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  (843): I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower. http://tfl.nu/3pc6
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  (940): View more from Texas

  He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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  (940): He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter. http://tfl.nu/rjmj
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  (315): View more from New York

  mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?

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  (315): mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!? http://tfl.nu/d0je
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  (979): View more from Texas

  I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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  (979): I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to... http://tfl.nu/okbj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
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  (512): View more from Texas

  dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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  (512): dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander. http://tfl.nu/scp8
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  (415): View more from California

  sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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  (415): sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened. http://tfl.nu/mg5e
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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  (240): Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present. http://tfl.nu/qzgl
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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  (901): Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed http://tfl.nu/avah
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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  (828): I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick. http://tfl.nu/fiht
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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  (978): I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there. http://tfl.nu/oxsp
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

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  (850): I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity http://tfl.nu/pmac
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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  (604): Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub. http://tfl.nu/91f9
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/111s
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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  (973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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  (902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum
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  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (936): View more from Texas

  She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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  (936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77
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  (707): View more from California

  why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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  (707): why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas? http://tfl.nu/mq53
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (818): View more from California

  apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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  (818): apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today" http://tfl.nu/nsmf
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (315): View more from New York

  Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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  (315): Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis http://tfl.nu/8w9k
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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  (201): dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her?? http://tfl.nu/1hfi
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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  (914): I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned. http://tfl.nu/hdoa
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  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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  (586): apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that. http://tfl.nu/dpbh
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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  (770): i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises. http://tfl.nu/q0zn
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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  (812): We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed. http://tfl.nu/r8jj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

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  (781): im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose http://tfl.nu/q51l
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.

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  (815): I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed. http://tfl.nu/hsgt
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  (516): View more from New York

  i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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  (516): i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles. http://tfl.nu/x8s9
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  people are starting to question the shark bite story

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  (321): people are starting to question the shark bite story http://tfl.nu/6iki
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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  (502): You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear. http://tfl.nu/hwjh
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

  (352): View more from Florida

  I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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  (970): The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency. (352): I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/wg41
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.

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  (407): I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care. http://tfl.nu/n9k1
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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  (419): I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes http://tfl.nu/4b4j
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on

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  (847): cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on http://tfl.nu/ommd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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  (732): just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german.. http://tfl.nu/y195
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  (914): View more from New York

  i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.

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  (914): i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed. http://tfl.nu/dx0g
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.

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  (205): TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush. (205): better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush. http://tfl.nu/xveq
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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  (734): you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover" http://tfl.nu/l7y3
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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  (856): you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb http://tfl.nu/benk
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

  (703): View more from Virginia

  just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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  (540): my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged (703): just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit http://tfl.nu/pac5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight

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  (203): I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight http://tfl.nu/ncr8
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

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  (337): you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm http://tfl.nu/y579
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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  (440): it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time. http://tfl.nu/xax0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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  (609): friends don't let friends hook up with gingers. http://tfl.nu/lykv
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.

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  (757): I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour. http://tfl.nu/8whx
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

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  (267): Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet? http://tfl.nu/aedp
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.

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  (503): I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best. http://tfl.nu/fuew
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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  (405): There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS. http://tfl.nu/dubs
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

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  (606): His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!" (1-606): You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents. http://tfl.nu/3y9c
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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  (401): you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck http://tfl.nu/4wd4
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  (516): View more from New York

  How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

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  (516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction" http://tfl.nu/s1bm
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  (661): View more from California

  Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.

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  (661): Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number. http://tfl.nu/0i40
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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  (904): i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/yyq8
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were grabbing cocks left and right

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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  (808): you were grabbing cocks left and right (808): you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!" http://tfl.nu/iaqo
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ben's a prick.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  What Ben are you talking about?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  All the bens across all the lands

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  (404): Ben's a prick. (1-404): What Ben are you talking about? (404): All the bens across all the lands http://tfl.nu/b5yr
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am

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  (757): if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am http://tfl.nu/cj17
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  (607): View more from New York

  Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner

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  (607): Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner http://tfl.nu/msbx
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.

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  (504): I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine. http://tfl.nu/uiwl
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"

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  (302): So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned? (443): I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me" http://tfl.nu/og83
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  (681): View more from West Virginia

  Where are I am going home with Ryan

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it

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  (681): Where are I am going home with Ryan (601): I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it http://tfl.nu/l22z
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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  (917): Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties? http://tfl.nu/8a9h
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  (925): View more from California

  he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look

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  (925): he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look http://tfl.nu/dco3
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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  (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  What are you drinking?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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  (678): What are you drinking? (404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL http://tfl.nu/iqly
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

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  (847): I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it" http://tfl.nu/8m3i
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am

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  (513): Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am http://tfl.nu/6qjs
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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  (647): Whatcha textin bout Willis? http://tfl.nu/s0y0
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

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  (816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine... http://tfl.nu/7ts7
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  she looked like the bat from fern gully.

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  (480): she looked like the bat from fern gully. http://tfl.nu/q79p
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  (323): View more from California

  this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

  (765): View more from Indiana

  call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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  (323): this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude (765): call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing http://tfl.nu/wjo2
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (516): View more from New York

  Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.

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  (516): Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses. http://tfl.nu/khuc
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (305): View more from Florida

  He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.

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  (305): He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong. http://tfl.nu/8xt9
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I puked a lego.

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  (603): I puked a lego. http://tfl.nu/7r9h
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom

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  (978): Why are you at a bar in Connecticut? (617): Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom http://tfl.nu/akoi
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I cannot find my penis.

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  (617): I cannot find my penis. http://tfl.nu/w331
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
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  (512): View more from Texas

  just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  pretty standard. you have fun last night?

  (512): View more from Texas

  apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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  (512): just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long? (1-512): pretty standard. you have fun last night? (512): apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean? (1-512): typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat. http://tfl.nu/ntbz
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  (530): View more from California

  Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

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  (530): Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake http://tfl.nu/i8af
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  (925): View more from California

  so explain again why im purple

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  no

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  (925): so explain again why im purple (617): no http://tfl.nu/yipi
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  why didn't you poke me back

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  (248): why didn't you poke me back http://tfl.nu/aomd
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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  (919): Well douche your snatch and let's go! http://tfl.nu/3ukm
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  (323): View more from California

  You know you want to come over later

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:27a: Um no

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:45a: Maybe

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:05a: Probably

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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  (323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.

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  (313): Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite. http://tfl.nu/pt3f
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