Texts From Last Night

Klushious93's Favorites Texts:

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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
  Replies (15) Good night (6508) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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  (907): I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out. http://tfl.nu/os26
  Replies (17) Good night (3687) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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  (920): I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips http://tfl.nu/g3ng
  Replies (6) Good night (2811) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

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  (605): The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops http://tfl.nu/xgyz
  Replies (9) Good night (3514) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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  (512): We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos. http://tfl.nu/fazf
  Replies (5) Good night (2283) Bad night (1556) Order T-Shirt
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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  (779): should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark? http://tfl.nu/0hyg
  Replies (6) Good night (3332) Bad night (975) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.

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  (419): it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower. http://tfl.nu/ei3p
  Replies (4) Good night (1931) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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  (617): I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch. http://tfl.nu/yicm
  Replies (13) Good night (1778) Bad night (2933) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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  (612): Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier. http://tfl.nu/uqbe
  Replies (6) Good night (2734) Bad night (1379) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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  (423): just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party http://tfl.nu/zlvv
  Replies (9) Good night (5096) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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  (401): Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday. http://tfl.nu/wqr0
  Replies (5) Good night (2715) Bad night (680) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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  (415): I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number? http://tfl.nu/po3x
  Replies (7) Good night (8425) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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  (405): I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign. http://tfl.nu/rxal
  Replies (6) Good night (3727) Bad night (769)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
  Replies (42) Good night (8863) Bad night (1080)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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  (815): Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/vjxc
  Replies (14) Good night (2755) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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  (805): He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out. http://tfl.nu/7h8c
  Replies (13) Good night (1175) Bad night (4815) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
  Replies (16) Good night (7574) Bad night (1249)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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  (832): Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is. http://tfl.nu/odjy
  Replies (9) Good night (3744) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
  Replies (11) Good night (4285) Bad night (880)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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  (603): hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1... http://tfl.nu/ehgf
  Replies (21) Good night (8134) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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  (518): I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred. http://tfl.nu/3k1m
  Replies (11) Good night (3500) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
  Replies (24) Good night (6339) Bad night (1335) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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  (907): everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort. http://tfl.nu/2zhz
  Replies (15) Good night (4424) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
  Replies (26) Good night (4797) Bad night (997)
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  (631): View more from New York

  beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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  (631): beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner. http://tfl.nu/w2xi
  Replies (12) Good night (3043) Bad night (1584) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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  (832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj
  Replies (21) Good night (8082) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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  (650): i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating. http://tfl.nu/do4w
  Replies (4) Good night (3120) Bad night (686)
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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  (226): I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop. http://tfl.nu/0sxf
  Replies (4) Good night (3141) Bad night (786)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary

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  (360): Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary http://tfl.nu/g62g
  Replies (14) Good night (2340) Bad night (3748) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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  (203): Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level http://tfl.nu/l6je
  Replies (14) Good night (3446) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
  Replies (11) Good night (4627) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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  (505): i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction http://tfl.nu/hb6q
  Replies (10) Good night (656) Bad night (4182) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
  Replies (12) Good night (12538) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

  (713): View more from Texas

  Sounds better than last semester

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  (214): So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far (713): Sounds better than last semester http://tfl.nu/9h5w
  Replies (12) Good night (1289) Bad night (4294)
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  (212): View more from New York

  The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

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  (212): The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line. http://tfl.nu/abdb
  Replies (5) Good night (2832) Bad night (1072) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

  (818): View more from California

  I hate you.

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  (661): So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night? (818): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/ps95
  Replies (9) Good night (4717) Bad night (683)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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  (443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw
  Replies (11) Good night (5359) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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  (703): She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning. http://tfl.nu/a0no
  Replies (8) Good night (3359) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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  (503): i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text http://tfl.nu/7lw4
  Replies (5) Good night (4525) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
  Replies (51) Good night (10413) Bad night (848)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
  Replies (5) Good night (3542) Bad night (665)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
  Replies (14) Good night (4899) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  no pressure.

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  (856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7
  Replies (12) Good night (4123) Bad night (620)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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  (803): He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex. http://tfl.nu/kpvm
  Replies (4) Good night (4355) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.

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  (303): And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first. http://tfl.nu/c9e0
  Replies (11) Good night (563) Bad night (3166) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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  (814): if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/xo3z
  Replies (20) Good night (4811) Bad night (920)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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  (765): After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself. http://tfl.nu/i4wo
  Replies (14) Good night (1448) Bad night (5395)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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  (416): Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend. http://tfl.nu/lag5
  Replies (9) Good night (5228) Bad night (846)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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  (506): She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/lnzm
  Replies (8) Good night (1064) Bad night (3076) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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  (519): Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking. (1-519): I'm in awe of how selfish that is. http://tfl.nu/dlh3
  Replies (10) Good night (3304) Bad night (1260) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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  (210): Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened. http://tfl.nu/7jhi
  Replies (14) Good night (3035) Bad night (1429) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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  (256): Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower. http://tfl.nu/xm1k
  Replies (16) Good night (1607) Bad night (3443) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

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  (413): What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix. http://tfl.nu/3okt
  Replies (13) Good night (585) Bad night (4825) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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  (713): As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone.. http://tfl.nu/l9l0
  Replies (10) Good night (774) Bad night (3114) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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  (703): I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order http://tfl.nu/64q0
  Replies (11) Good night (1013) Bad night (3769)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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  (860): you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict http://tfl.nu/am6o
  Replies (11) Good night (2139) Bad night (1841) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
  Replies (16) Good night (5314) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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  (954): I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today? http://tfl.nu/ptoy
  Replies (39) Good night (5643) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.

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  (641): Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like. http://tfl.nu/m82g
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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  (404): And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT. http://tfl.nu/u1ny
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  (585): View more from New York

  you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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  (585): you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation. http://tfl.nu/l508
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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  (+41): I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples http://tfl.nu/80un
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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  (610): Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can http://tfl.nu/8h8s
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  (347): View more from New York

  just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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  (347): just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner http://tfl.nu/v9ac
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.

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  (412): I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together. http://tfl.nu/59bc
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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  (515): Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex http://tfl.nu/a38e
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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  (609): That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me. http://tfl.nu/oade
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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  (902): Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines. http://tfl.nu/9k5b
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  (619): View more from California

  Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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  (619): Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen. http://tfl.nu/rhei
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits

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  (860): I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits http://tfl.nu/yqhn
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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  (425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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  (787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while http://tfl.nu/u6qo
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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  (613): Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B. http://tfl.nu/8gac
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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  (740): So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes? http://tfl.nu/wyhr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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  (303): Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent. http://tfl.nu/g68o
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have one question about last night

  (646): View more from New York

  if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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  (516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr
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  (845): View more from New York

  I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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  (845): I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex.... http://tfl.nu/n100
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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  (215): i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut http://tfl.nu/7c6t
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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  (774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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  (704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals http://tfl.nu/j8ot
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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  (936): Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance http://tfl.nu/8uw4
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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  (856): When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again. http://tfl.nu/chm7
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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  (704): Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane? http://tfl.nu/zikg
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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  (201): He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away. http://tfl.nu/tzcp
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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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  (678): He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going. http://tfl.nu/db5s
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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  (619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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  (201): I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american http://tfl.nu/02ni
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again

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  (248): The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again http://tfl.nu/1sak
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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  (901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury http://tfl.nu/7ksy
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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  (425): I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I? (1-425): you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time http://tfl.nu/bm15
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap

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  (732): I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap http://tfl.nu/e6wb
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

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  (860): Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise. http://tfl.nu/z4y1
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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  (615): it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex.. http://tfl.nu/6q5t
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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  (913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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  (253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.

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  (514): Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined. http://tfl.nu/ti88
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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  (312): If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab. http://tfl.nu/3osp
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  (310): View more from California

  Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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  (310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars. http://tfl.nu/7ljv
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
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  (530): View more from California

  There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.

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  (530): There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/r11o
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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  (919): I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job. http://tfl.nu/800g
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Fuck you.

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  (703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij
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  (916): View more from California

  I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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  (916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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  (248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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  (804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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  (917): you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit http://tfl.nu/h4ki
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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  (507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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  (708): Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame http://tfl.nu/f96m
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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  (571): i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things http://tfl.nu/ommx
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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  (647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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  (614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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  (303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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  (413): I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job http://tfl.nu/ruqn
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  (818): View more from California

  Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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  (818): Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on. http://tfl.nu/cwci
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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  (360): Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving' http://tfl.nu/j3uq
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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  (770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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  (570): i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network. http://tfl.nu/mmjy
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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  (651): I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister. http://tfl.nu/ezh5
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (585): View more from New York

  Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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  (585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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  (401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s
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  (914): View more from New York

  Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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  (914): Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him http://tfl.nu/h9ln
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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  (519): and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover. http://tfl.nu/uo1b
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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  (402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow http://tfl.nu/h8bi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.

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  (317): The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints. http://tfl.nu/xoq4
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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  (509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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  (702): whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want http://tfl.nu/m1hp
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (626): View more from California

  Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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  (626): Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened? (308): Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/5y08
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  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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  (208): know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing http://tfl.nu/j7xf
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  (213): View more from California

  i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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  (213): i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now. http://tfl.nu/744a
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape

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  (603): my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape http://tfl.nu/orsz
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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  (516): i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed". http://tfl.nu/0nax
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  she has no idea

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  (973): after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college (973): she has no idea http://tfl.nu/zn6b
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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  (205): Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that. http://tfl.nu/r5hc
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  (718): View more from New York

  I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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  (718): I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary. http://tfl.nu/e3xl
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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  (267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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  (662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high. http://tfl.nu/4f4j
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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  (914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here. http://tfl.nu/s43y
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

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  (512): Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food. http://tfl.nu/f716
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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  (434): She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4 http://tfl.nu/9o7z
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.

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  (802): beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces. http://tfl.nu/r2in
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  (716): View more from New York

  Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

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  (716): Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes. http://tfl.nu/xo7e
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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  (816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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  (609): I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied http://tfl.nu/rkdz
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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  (602): And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone http://tfl.nu/f58w
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.

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  (205): I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology. http://tfl.nu/8ghc
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

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  (314): Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me. http://tfl.nu/jiov
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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  (505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

  (503): View more from Oregon

  How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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  (206): I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians (503): How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often? http://tfl.nu/gll8
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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  (336): and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex http://tfl.nu/hs2b
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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  (405): he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love. http://tfl.nu/r7jm
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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  (732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

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  (412): You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats. http://tfl.nu/gybz
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.

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  (262): Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole. http://tfl.nu/sreo
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck now we have to have sex

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  What?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  In a bet, need to win

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  (203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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  (605): I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF? http://tfl.nu/tx7k
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  so you admit it was good then??

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  (337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.

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  (713): Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming. http://tfl.nu/lyy1
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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  (773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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  (330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (631): View more from New York

  Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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  (631): Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit... http://tfl.nu/oz8a
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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  (712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.

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  (904): I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/1lds
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  (361): View more from Texas

  She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

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  (361): She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation. http://tfl.nu/alpd
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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  (305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

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  (412): bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass http://tfl.nu/ur9n
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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  (701): Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty... http://tfl.nu/qvnt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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  (417): I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me. http://tfl.nu/vc9f
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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  (413): I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say. http://tfl.nu/z11c
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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  (770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t
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  (585): View more from New York

  I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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  (585): I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet. http://tfl.nu/fy09
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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  (978): went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed http://tfl.nu/x5dq
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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  (315): I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever. http://tfl.nu/6dcd
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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  (703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

  (917): View more from New York City

  me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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  (317): Sitting here wishing there were men in my life. (917): me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time. http://tfl.nu/mpan
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Why are you covered in frosting?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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  (952): Why are you covered in frosting? (262): Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy. http://tfl.nu/9hct
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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  (804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9
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  (310): View more from California

  I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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  (310): I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it http://tfl.nu/jugc
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  (661): View more from California

  I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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  (661): I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it http://tfl.nu/bivl
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  What?

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dont open the beer drawer.

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  (352): Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge. (1-352): What? (352): Just dont open the beer drawer. http://tfl.nu/02la
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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  (780): No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better http://tfl.nu/pitl
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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  (573): i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella http://tfl.nu/sjyh
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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  (361): Did i throw a brick at someone last night? http://tfl.nu/tk7m
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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  (586): conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features. http://tfl.nu/gno1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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  (512): You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you." http://tfl.nu/7ipp
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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  (413): So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge. http://tfl.nu/jdua
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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  (517): woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner. http://tfl.nu/lvfr
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.

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  (314): the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick. http://tfl.nu/zpzn
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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  (315): Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over. http://tfl.nu/878e
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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  (720): I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group. http://tfl.nu/a06b
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We shouldn"t be alone together

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  you didn"t say that yesterday

  (813): View more from Florida

  you weren't married yesterday

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  (813): We shouldn"t be alone together (606): you didn"t say that yesterday (813): you weren't married yesterday http://tfl.nu/oykj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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  (724): i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud. http://tfl.nu/ruob
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

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  (919): the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's. http://tfl.nu/kqcw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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  (207): I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/pgeg
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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  (804): when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again" http://tfl.nu/ygm1
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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  (248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit
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  (518): View more from New York

  his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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  (518): his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed" http://tfl.nu/g8fj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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  (317): I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account. http://tfl.nu/ui6k
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now

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  (250): i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now http://tfl.nu/xz0v
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  (310): View more from California

  He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.

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  (310): He's pole dancing on a heat lamp. http://tfl.nu/0l62
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

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  (828): Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying. http://tfl.nu/gcnz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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  (724): It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it http://tfl.nu/fti9
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  (408): View more from California

  Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?

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  (408): Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut? http://tfl.nu/riq0
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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  (502): there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me. http://tfl.nu/l22j
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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  (732): Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen?? http://tfl.nu/vnhk
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  (903): View more from Texas

  How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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  (903): How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number? http://tfl.nu/4q6h
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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  (940): I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night... http://tfl.nu/gxgg
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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  (414): they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed???? http://tfl.nu/zsp8
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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  (425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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  (908): i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried http://tfl.nu/sini
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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  (573): just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist. http://tfl.nu/hmuv
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  (530): View more from California

  my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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  (530): my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad... http://tfl.nu/yh1f
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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  (978): she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head. http://tfl.nu/uhfs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (718): View more from New York

  At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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  (718): At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down. http://tfl.nu/ki6l
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  (903): View more from Texas

  The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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  (903): The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while. http://tfl.nu/y23x
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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  (412): I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people." http://tfl.nu/j747
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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  (501): He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice. http://tfl.nu/qyuj
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  Seriously?

  (305): View more from Florida

  100%

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  (305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  who'd you have sex with.

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  (610): terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions. (1-610): who'd you have sex with. http://tfl.nu/97tl
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  (650): View more from California

  I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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  (650): I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered. http://tfl.nu/k2a9
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

  (206): View more from Washington

  do it. it's every man's dream.

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  (425): i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?" (206): do it. it's every man's dream. http://tfl.nu/a31t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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  (602): So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better. http://tfl.nu/qcgw
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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  (201): It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling. http://tfl.nu/90ol
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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  (203): we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing http://tfl.nu/99kd
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  (619): View more from California

  His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

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  (619): His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini. http://tfl.nu/6erh
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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  (480): He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere. (602): Why would he say turtle mid-fuck? http://tfl.nu/okxi
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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  (252): Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won http://tfl.nu/atk6
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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  (601): she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket http://tfl.nu/j6rw
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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  (201): A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead". http://tfl.nu/bwjk
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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  (908): when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave. http://tfl.nu/35vg
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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  (630): I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea. http://tfl.nu/9kka
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back

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  (732): she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back http://tfl.nu/8662
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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  (601): I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk. http://tfl.nu/k978
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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  (262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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  (509): Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint http://tfl.nu/0n30
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.

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  (778): i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate. http://tfl.nu/ob4u
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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  (913): Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go. http://tfl.nu/47sp
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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  (256): so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart. http://tfl.nu/u8db
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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  (443): One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done. http://tfl.nu/o8ax
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?

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  (403): What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex? http://tfl.nu/y75a
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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  (417): I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka (479): I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once http://tfl.nu/xq51
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  (925): View more from California

  Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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  (925): Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit. http://tfl.nu/rw2b
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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  (703): I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number. http://tfl.nu/ol2r
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
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  (+82): View more from

  I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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  (+82): I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes. http://tfl.nu/b0wk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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  (410): I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/uvgg
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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  (317): he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed http://tfl.nu/zklq
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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  (219): i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her http://tfl.nu/s6o1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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  (401): you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it. http://tfl.nu/ggt5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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  (330): just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this. http://tfl.nu/6gzz
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.

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  (203): I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/3knu
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  (786): View more from Florida

  All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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  (786): All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber" http://tfl.nu/jvct
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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  (314): Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one. http://tfl.nu/fj7c
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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  (973): I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung. http://tfl.nu/lg9m
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

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  (206): I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right. http://tfl.nu/kss9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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  (330): Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around. http://tfl.nu/7cdc
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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  (870): You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform http://tfl.nu/z93z
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  u sound so gay right now

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  (617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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  (856): Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper http://tfl.nu/7rbt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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  (207): i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like http://tfl.nu/ol8k
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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  (781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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  (678): i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste. http://tfl.nu/3anp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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  (303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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  (248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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  (973): So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family http://tfl.nu/6om1
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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  (608): Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her. http://tfl.nu/6qpw
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  (213): View more from California

  I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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  (213): I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on. http://tfl.nu/rma0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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  (617): She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl. http://tfl.nu/oaik
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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  (757): I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it. http://tfl.nu/uqxt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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  (817): yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing http://tfl.nu/i2gp
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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  (613): Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?" http://tfl.nu/jp4f
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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  (208): She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible. http://tfl.nu/a9zl
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They have a pepper shaker for pot.

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  (248): They have a pepper shaker for pot. http://tfl.nu/nws4
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  (310): View more from California

  You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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  (310): You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor... http://tfl.nu/dk61
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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  (912): It's not kidnapping if it's romantic http://tfl.nu/j4mo
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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  (229): please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room. http://tfl.nu/c4g1
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  (845): View more from New York

  So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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  (845): So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation. http://tfl.nu/fvna
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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  (318): I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry. http://tfl.nu/98cc
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  (315): View more from New York

  We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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  (315): We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same http://tfl.nu/yvn7
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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  (910): And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship. http://tfl.nu/btcq
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  tasteful.

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  (812): it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked (1-812): tasteful. http://tfl.nu/syjz
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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  (720): It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants http://tfl.nu/j8mk
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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  (423): headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home http://tfl.nu/dqj3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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  (404): Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon. http://tfl.nu/d58s
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What happened?....

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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  (304): What happened?.... (304): He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm.... http://tfl.nu/j714
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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  (708): I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you. http://tfl.nu/rvgi
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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  (604): I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked... http://tfl.nu/ab3l
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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  (305): I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night. http://tfl.nu/49y3
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  (916): View more from California

  She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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  (916): She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad http://tfl.nu/bnzk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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  (303): Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever. http://tfl.nu/ckan
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  (518): View more from New York

  She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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  (518): She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change. http://tfl.nu/rlg4
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  (716): View more from New York

  She's like a pop up book from hell.

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  (716): She's like a pop up book from hell. http://tfl.nu/grf5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Clearly I went along with it

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  (732): she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her (732): Clearly I went along with it http://tfl.nu/y5y5
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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  (219): I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives. http://tfl.nu/v9m4
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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  (+44): swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself. http://tfl.nu/6r98
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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  (720): she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod http://tfl.nu/2sd3
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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  (732): That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on. http://tfl.nu/n5bj
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  (760): View more from California

  She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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  (760): She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/eh4f
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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  (705): Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think http://tfl.nu/e8us
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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  (612): I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm http://tfl.nu/twuk
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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  (603): Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places http://tfl.nu/sf6j
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.

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  (214): I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars. http://tfl.nu/iixj
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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  (204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover http://tfl.nu/k1fy
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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  (509): Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico. http://tfl.nu/evuy
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

  (205): View more from Alabama

  pick me up NOW

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  (205): they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve" (205): pick me up NOW http://tfl.nu/weqr
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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  (801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.

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  (404): No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it. http://tfl.nu/6j8m
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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  (304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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  (803): we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper http://tfl.nu/mqbh
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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  (905): i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night http://tfl.nu/m366
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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  (786): I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction. http://tfl.nu/2rxz
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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  (801): He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied". http://tfl.nu/4up3
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

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  (604): mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday. http://tfl.nu/2gms
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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  (812): We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed. http://tfl.nu/r8jj
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  (631): View more from New York

  My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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  (631): My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you. http://tfl.nu/4nkq
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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  (706): we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating. http://tfl.nu/lk5p
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  Soulmates.

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  (301): He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?" (1-301): Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/8tiz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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  (856): part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty. http://tfl.nu/jt5n
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.

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  (914): Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore. http://tfl.nu/9xwr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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  (847): Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels. http://tfl.nu/hv8u
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  (845): View more from New York

  You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.

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  (845): You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you. http://tfl.nu/t7go
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  (210): View more from Texas

  happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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  (210): happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal. http://tfl.nu/4nij
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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  (260): Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five http://tfl.nu/catf
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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  (508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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  (936): You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that. http://tfl.nu/w7w8
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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  (845): I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!" http://tfl.nu/kl2h
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  (716): View more from New York

  Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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  (716): Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?! http://tfl.nu/vv8e
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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  (989): i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole. http://tfl.nu/0fwa
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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  (862): found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later" http://tfl.nu/lryz
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I checked into jail on foursquare

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  (202): I checked into jail on foursquare http://tfl.nu/tcv9
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."

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  (810): My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms." http://tfl.nu/qx21
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  (806): View more from Texas

  yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....

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  (806): yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac.... http://tfl.nu/v8jl
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (949): View more from California

  you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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  (949): you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano. http://tfl.nu/kwsa
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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  (973): he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade. http://tfl.nu/270g
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

  (416): View more from Toronto

  From?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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  (647): It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM (416): From? (647): Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table... http://tfl.nu/hv77
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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  (970): Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese. http://tfl.nu/mdbn
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  (858): View more from California

  this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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  (858): this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since. http://tfl.nu/ovf5
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  (646): View more from New York

  we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

  (219): View more from Indiana

  you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

  (646): View more from New York

  nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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  (646): we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest.. (219): you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked. (646): nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us.. http://tfl.nu/wc73
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  fair is fair

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  (610): we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it (484): fair is fair http://tfl.nu/tm5x
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

  (260): View more from Indiana

  He probs deserved it.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Every good man does.

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  (317): I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell. (260): He probs deserved it. (317): Every good man does. http://tfl.nu/4ma5
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just got walked in on during safety inspections

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Think you passed?

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  (910): Just got walked in on during safety inspections (828): Think you passed? http://tfl.nu/r9km
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  (408): View more from California

  Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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  (408): Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge? http://tfl.nu/3h8y
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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  (732): I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there. http://tfl.nu/dxiw
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store

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  (520): just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store http://tfl.nu/shho
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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  (740): it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second http://tfl.nu/z13t
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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  (540): I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here. http://tfl.nu/rnyh
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  (510): View more from California

  stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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  (510): stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work http://tfl.nu/9l6e
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you should get a family discount.

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  (770): I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer. (404): you should get a family discount. http://tfl.nu/bl35
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  (407): View more from Florida

  She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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  (407): She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead http://tfl.nu/h0ei
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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  (905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it. http://tfl.nu/mzwz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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  (913): I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better. http://tfl.nu/gf52
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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  (386): Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him http://tfl.nu/2ppo
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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  (973): so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement http://tfl.nu/oky4
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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  (614): The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls. (610): A simple 'no' would have sufficed http://tfl.nu/eyzn
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

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  (418): I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach. http://tfl.nu/7gys
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  (212): View more from New York

  yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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  (212): yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer" http://tfl.nu/u5kx
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  (310): View more from California

  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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  (301): he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself. http://tfl.nu/68qu
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  (925): View more from California

  While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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  (925): While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me." http://tfl.nu/vnft
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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  (513): Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot. http://tfl.nu/qalf
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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  (905): gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way http://tfl.nu/08qt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
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  (516): View more from New York

  His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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  (516): His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps. http://tfl.nu/q0ub
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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  (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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  (303): Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield. http://tfl.nu/furb
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

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  (251): i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once http://tfl.nu/k6sm
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.

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  (541): My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick. http://tfl.nu/phsi
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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  (703): Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life (541): Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard http://tfl.nu/54p5
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

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  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?

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  (215): how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon? http://tfl.nu/98up
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  ...are you coming on to me?

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  (901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me. (601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly (901): ...are you coming on to me? http://tfl.nu/90vx
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

  (1-936): View more from Texas

  Can I eat your pillow?

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  (936): Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow. (1-936): Can I eat your pillow? http://tfl.nu/ozwu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?

  (253): View more from Washington

  Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.

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  (541): There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them? (253): Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either. http://tfl.nu/fhrp
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

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  (636): I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes http://tfl.nu/5pzj
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