Texts From Last Night

CamillaMacaulay's Favorites Texts:

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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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  (773): Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself http://tfl.nu/pyfv
  Replies (14) Good night (331) Bad night (156) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?

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  (910): Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares? http://tfl.nu/w5f4
  Replies (12) Good night (118) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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  (604): You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance http://tfl.nu/i8te
  Replies (2) Good night (488) Bad night (100)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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  (617): I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me. http://tfl.nu/t0zt
  Replies (4) Good night (1094) Bad night (135) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

  (210): View more from Texas

  No

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  (512): Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool (210): No http://tfl.nu/m5ry
  Replies (3) Good night (907) Bad night (115)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.

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  (914): Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius. http://tfl.nu/p1hh
  Replies (9) Good night (964) Bad night (99) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.

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  (914): Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way. http://tfl.nu/0tc3
  Replies (1) Good night (676) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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  (323): Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking. http://tfl.nu/kzzf
  Replies (1) Good night (812) Bad night (98) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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  (484): He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER. http://tfl.nu/q9ww
  Replies (12) Good night (795) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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  (610): I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands. (908): Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful. http://tfl.nu/kbfw
  Replies (6) Good night (686) Bad night (538)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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  (250): I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night http://tfl.nu/2rtf
  Replies (5) Good night (960) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
  Replies (21) Good night (2214) Bad night (289)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.

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  (479): Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes. http://tfl.nu/b7x1
  Replies (22) Good night (1051) Bad night (421)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  This baby is an asshole

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  (517): This baby is an asshole http://tfl.nu/mlzh
  Replies (11) Good night (1429) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

  (415): View more from California

  That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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  (310): It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter. (415): That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere. http://tfl.nu/8y5r
  Replies (11) Good night (1413) Bad night (180)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero

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  (613): I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero http://tfl.nu/0ytb
  Replies (1) Good night (1240) Bad night (552)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
  Replies (4) Good night (2208) Bad night (214)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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  (215): I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up http://tfl.nu/xoz1
  Replies (9) Good night (1585) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.

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  (603): NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING. http://tfl.nu/lnbz
  Replies (7) Good night (894) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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  (618): His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark. http://tfl.nu/bjsg
  Replies (8) Good night (773) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers

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  (647): I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers http://tfl.nu/b7h6
  Replies (6) Good night (269) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears

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  (218): Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears http://tfl.nu/spts
  Replies (1) Good night (365) Bad night (738)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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  (306): I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth" http://tfl.nu/c8fv
  Replies (5) Good night (1467) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

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  (314): Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night http://tfl.nu/zfrq
  Replies (3) Good night (1704) Bad night (249) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds

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  (603): a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/ayni
  Replies (16) Good night (962) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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  (281): I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy.. http://tfl.nu/39a9
  Replies (12) Good night (2601) Bad night (309)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you

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  (516): Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you http://tfl.nu/ijza
  Replies (2) Good night (1149) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.

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  (281): I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever. http://tfl.nu/j15t
  Replies (5) Good night (1665) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow

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  (914): I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow http://tfl.nu/1io8
  Replies (17) Good night (1750) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Yeah he's good at that.

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  (407): I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts. (904): Yeah he's good at that. http://tfl.nu/ekc4
  Replies (5) Good night (516) Bad night (1223)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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  (407): I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right? http://tfl.nu/v5fc
  Replies (11) Good night (1356) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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  (248): Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed. http://tfl.nu/7r2l
  Replies (10) Good night (2640) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
  Replies (10) Good night (2984) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

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  (781): Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe (617): Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything http://tfl.nu/wlv3
  Replies (12) Good night (1723) Bad night (380)
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3198) Bad night (1223)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
  Replies (11) Good night (3700) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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  (339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys. http://tfl.nu/p4yk
  Replies (20) Good night (5515) Bad night (373)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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  (214): My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/7yfd
  Replies (4) Good night (1558) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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  (919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h
  Replies (9) Good night (2801) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

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  (908): How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks. http://tfl.nu/jloo
  Replies (11) Good night (562) Bad night (2164) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.

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  (770): You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month. http://tfl.nu/j1wm
  Replies (3) Good night (1214) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch

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  (203): we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch http://tfl.nu/wvpl
  Replies (7) Good night (2119) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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  (615): id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour. http://tfl.nu/zhs1
  Replies (4) Good night (2192) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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  (828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt
  Replies (5) Good night (1374) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

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  (802): I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn. http://tfl.nu/9nsq
  Replies (11) Good night (1587) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  how was it?

  (1-310): View more from California

  he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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  (310): how was it? (1-310): he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins" http://tfl.nu/8mel
  Replies (2) Good night (1283) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him

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  (308): I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him http://tfl.nu/5d11
  Replies (2) Good night (935) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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  (864): I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers http://tfl.nu/0wmu
  Replies (5) Good night (1300) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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  (717): Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat http://tfl.nu/dsa2
  Replies (7) Good night (1335) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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  (307): Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids. http://tfl.nu/60tn
  Replies (15) Good night (2803) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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  (541): im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more http://tfl.nu/azy4
  Replies (9) Good night (2786) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
  Replies (9) Good night (3597) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (8) Good night (2827) Bad night (506)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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  (928): I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop. http://tfl.nu/tczb
  Replies (17) Good night (3057) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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  (808): I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship http://tfl.nu/z40t
  Replies (4) Good night (786) Bad night (1372) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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  (301): I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2dnv
  Replies (8) Good night (2512) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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  (978): Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you. http://tfl.nu/jevr
  Replies (6) Good night (3322) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".

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  (859): The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis". http://tfl.nu/o2ql
  Replies (9) Good night (2892) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.

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  (503): I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/wdtm
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".

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  (724): He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming". http://tfl.nu/90md
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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  (313): Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker http://tfl.nu/hydd
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.

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  (816): Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please. http://tfl.nu/1nwj
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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  (613): I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked http://tfl.nu/dann
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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  (636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend http://tfl.nu/jil2
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.

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  (812): He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/zftg
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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  (803): Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical. http://tfl.nu/xb5u
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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  (336): Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye http://tfl.nu/fu4x
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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  (202): just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog http://tfl.nu/w6qp
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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  (313): you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/cddz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"

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  (917): They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?" http://tfl.nu/nrwr
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  (253): View more from Washington

  once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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  (253): once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced. http://tfl.nu/7kbq
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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  (605): He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/s2q9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

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  (317): How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that. http://tfl.nu/g1sy
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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  (740): Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song http://tfl.nu/pqc4
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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  (606): can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid? http://tfl.nu/7vpt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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  (202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

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  (313): We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us http://tfl.nu/w5tj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (707): View more from California

  I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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  (707): I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor http://tfl.nu/hlsl
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  (530): View more from California

  she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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  (530): she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new. http://tfl.nu/z10i
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.

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  (601): Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back. http://tfl.nu/ihr9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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  (303): But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you. http://tfl.nu/unr3
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  (909): View more from California

  If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?

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  (909): If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night? http://tfl.nu/ont9
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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  (253): The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid http://tfl.nu/62ef
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship

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  (401): Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship http://tfl.nu/zpw1
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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  (610): you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us? http://tfl.nu/gp4k
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
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  (786): View more from Florida

  i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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  (786): i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy" http://tfl.nu/v0t3
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.

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  (908): I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter. http://tfl.nu/8xy5
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  (408): View more from California

  Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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  (408): Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something. http://tfl.nu/it4y
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  (845): View more from New York

  Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.

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  (845): Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry. http://tfl.nu/kkr1
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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  (574): Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends. http://tfl.nu/hd8a
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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  (406): I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense http://tfl.nu/qajt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

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  (815): it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries. http://tfl.nu/kdps
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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  (217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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  (270): they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone. http://tfl.nu/t9of
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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  (613): OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch http://tfl.nu/pswe
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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  (267): Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn. http://tfl.nu/zs8h
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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  (404): We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned. http://tfl.nu/3qtb
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists

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  (720): I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists http://tfl.nu/iudi
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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  (917): I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close http://tfl.nu/ibae
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.

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  (225): He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that. http://tfl.nu/0p85
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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  (214): So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5. http://tfl.nu/y0zl
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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  (571): I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed http://tfl.nu/piiv
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  high in an attic. pig roast in 10.

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  (703): high in an attic. pig roast in 10. http://tfl.nu/5v0b
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job

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  (519): he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job http://tfl.nu/3g10
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.

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  (215): I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex. http://tfl.nu/q0wq
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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  (330): I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it. http://tfl.nu/zgfe
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside

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  (570): you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside http://tfl.nu/jkpy
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  (925): View more from California

  First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.

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  (925): First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me. http://tfl.nu/pldx
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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  (727): i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats. http://tfl.nu/tu2s
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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  (580): Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it. http://tfl.nu/0iyi
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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  (970): At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name http://tfl.nu/d4zs
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other

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  (857): other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other http://tfl.nu/ii3b
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.

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  (416): Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it. http://tfl.nu/d7me
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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  (407): Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants? http://tfl.nu/pjw5
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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  (260): I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops. http://tfl.nu/sp9a
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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  (615): You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible. http://tfl.nu/1rrn
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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  (360): Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk. http://tfl.nu/k2pc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (310): View more from California

  she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.

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  (310): she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again. http://tfl.nu/4ycr
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  (951): View more from California

  Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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  (951): Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants http://tfl.nu/uwlg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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  (609): He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on. http://tfl.nu/bqu1
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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  (859): Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby http://tfl.nu/0zlt
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  (714): View more from California

  I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going

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  (714): I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going http://tfl.nu/ebwx
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

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  (907): HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?! http://tfl.nu/krsv
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....

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  (773): I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician.... http://tfl.nu/qln8
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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  (301): It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form http://tfl.nu/mrkk
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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  (708): He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed. http://tfl.nu/ytov
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  (646): View more from New York

  Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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  (646): Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout. http://tfl.nu/vj0i
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.

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  (603): Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone. http://tfl.nu/7k4a
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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  (508): dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM. http://tfl.nu/7fg3
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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  (602): I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for http://tfl.nu/u905
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (+34): View more from Spain

  what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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  (+34): what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30 http://tfl.nu/zswr
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  (415): View more from California

  they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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  (415): they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car.. http://tfl.nu/4cqo
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  (407): View more from Florida

  This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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  (407): This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper. http://tfl.nu/m3p5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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  (412): Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine http://tfl.nu/x929
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  (650): View more from California

  Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?

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  (650): Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user? http://tfl.nu/ik2g
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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  (972): I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed http://tfl.nu/xlf6
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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  (609): Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations http://tfl.nu/c8fe
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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  (978): sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky http://tfl.nu/aofd
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.

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  (407): Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine. http://tfl.nu/l8j9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.

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  (978): I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver. http://tfl.nu/zig6
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend

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  (204): Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend http://tfl.nu/gyj1
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.

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  (262): He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/yx8n
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.

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  (540): i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month. http://tfl.nu/gnax
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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  (254): Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital. http://tfl.nu/9aes
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  (310): View more from California

  You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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  (310): You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila. http://tfl.nu/3egv
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

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  (860): Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip. http://tfl.nu/41tx
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

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  (614): I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait http://tfl.nu/idzg
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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  (315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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  (208): Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese http://tfl.nu/a9is
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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  (501): I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus. http://tfl.nu/lpxj
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  (518): View more from New York

  I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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  (518): I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward http://tfl.nu/3430
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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  (630): Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER http://tfl.nu/i5te
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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  (773): halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids http://tfl.nu/g564
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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  (224): She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg. http://tfl.nu/1lfx
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  (408): View more from California

  that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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  (408): that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it http://tfl.nu/gsrb
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

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  (715): i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend... http://tfl.nu/erib
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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  (919): All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar. http://tfl.nu/cp66
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
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  (64): View more from New Zealand

  Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...

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  (64): Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon... http://tfl.nu/s0w2
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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  (978): his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave. http://tfl.nu/6huv
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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  (860): There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now. http://tfl.nu/p8mk
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  (206): View more from Washington

  it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

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  (206): it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster http://tfl.nu/ujaf
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am

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  (302): in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am http://tfl.nu/qmyh
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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  (828): then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge http://tfl.nu/hh8c
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
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  (830): View more from Texas

  we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient

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  (830): we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient http://tfl.nu/vzth
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  (713): View more from Texas

  So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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  (713): So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me http://tfl.nu/r4q8
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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  (850): I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper? http://tfl.nu/y2i2
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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  (918): I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/1tot
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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  (704): they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming. http://tfl.nu/eg1m
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home

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  (412): when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home http://tfl.nu/u8cd
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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  (815): Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark http://tfl.nu/xtgk
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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  (407): I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging http://tfl.nu/yisg
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  (415): View more from California

  You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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  (415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off. http://tfl.nu/eb22
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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  (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping. http://tfl.nu/l6f0
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  (818): View more from California

  They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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  (818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv
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  (718): View more from New York

  I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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  (718): I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!" http://tfl.nu/wp1u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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  (617): i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later http://tfl.nu/ptu9
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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  (401): she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch! (508): because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking. http://tfl.nu/qlq5
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  (646): View more from New York

  So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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  (646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex. http://tfl.nu/jc5g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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  (215): thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins http://tfl.nu/qdth
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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  (218): I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face http://tfl.nu/wyrl
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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  (978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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  (781): he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness... (413): how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers http://tfl.nu/137y
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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  (843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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  (708): I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome http://tfl.nu/0ypv
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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  (519): I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position" http://tfl.nu/0g0v
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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  (608): I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs. http://tfl.nu/xx6g
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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  (678): Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting. http://tfl.nu/6icw
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  (210): View more from Texas

  yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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  (210): yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons." http://tfl.nu/jfl4
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  (254): View more from Texas

  His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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  (254): His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!! http://tfl.nu/05kd
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (925): View more from California

  Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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  (925): Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear. http://tfl.nu/48r4
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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  (614): So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date... http://tfl.nu/r091
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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  (615): Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron. http://tfl.nu/4qyy
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".

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  (705): And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper". http://tfl.nu/bpaf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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  (403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse http://tfl.nu/d3ev
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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  (309): ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet. http://tfl.nu/oxv5
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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  (303): the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night http://tfl.nu/fwes
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  (516): View more from New York

  i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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  (516): i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang. http://tfl.nu/ryqf
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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  (859): you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do http://tfl.nu/7olq
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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  (540): hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her http://tfl.nu/8ahn
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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  (302): because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride. http://tfl.nu/wwvv
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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  (270): Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience. http://tfl.nu/d64j
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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  (217): The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time. http://tfl.nu/mdb9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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  (859): I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college. http://tfl.nu/f01w
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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  (847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow

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  (407): Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow http://tfl.nu/4rys
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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  (740): His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them. http://tfl.nu/w51l
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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  (804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu
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  (917): View more from New York City

  M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.

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  (724): i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook. http://tfl.nu/t8ot
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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  (817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented. http://tfl.nu/9hus
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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  (912): Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony http://tfl.nu/e5l6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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  (401): After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple http://tfl.nu/1d3q
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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  (781): Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa... http://tfl.nu/bbhr
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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  (913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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  (803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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  (303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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  (918): We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out http://tfl.nu/vv84
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  how else could I explain the last few years

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  (703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills (262): how else could I explain the last few years http://tfl.nu/wfh1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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  (314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (718): View more from New York

  Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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  (718): Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/eick
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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  (859): Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here http://tfl.nu/kvme
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  You are nothing if not reliable.

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  (206): I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different. (1-206): You are nothing if not reliable. http://tfl.nu/5ioj
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just realized these events may be related.

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  (352): I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window. (352): Just realized these events may be related. http://tfl.nu/i6sd
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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  (207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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  (708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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  (401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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  (609): you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off. http://tfl.nu/5lgs
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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  (703): you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him. http://tfl.nu/eh64
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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  (412): I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student... http://tfl.nu/ab9h
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  (518): View more from New York

  its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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  (518): its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant. http://tfl.nu/kaeb
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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  (817): Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel". http://tfl.nu/2v56
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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  (813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.

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  (407): I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit. http://tfl.nu/vrom
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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  (330): My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob http://tfl.nu/j762
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

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  (443): He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to. http://tfl.nu/5t0r
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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  (205): Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that. http://tfl.nu/r5hc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
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  (235): View more from

  I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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  (235): I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/7zv4
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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  (780): No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better http://tfl.nu/pitl
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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  (603): Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair http://tfl.nu/7ypz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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  (512): You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you." http://tfl.nu/7ipp
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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  (770): he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players http://tfl.nu/ani7
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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  (770): All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better" http://tfl.nu/pc1d
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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  (978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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  (630): He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors. http://tfl.nu/ipmp
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  (516): View more from New York

  id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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  (516): id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though http://tfl.nu/r22j
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  (925): View more from California

  don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

  (510): View more from California

  big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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  (925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.

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  (218): Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion. http://tfl.nu/1y37
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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  (240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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  (717): Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this. http://tfl.nu/jiq7
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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  (734): I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again. http://tfl.nu/x69l
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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  (314): I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness. http://tfl.nu/5pr0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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  (610): all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville. http://tfl.nu/k1x4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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  (850): I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized. http://tfl.nu/cbfh
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

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  (620): my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts http://tfl.nu/naa2
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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  (919): I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could. http://tfl.nu/sgrh
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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  (608): Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother? http://tfl.nu/8hut
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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  (520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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  (804): Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3. http://tfl.nu/mf94
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  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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  (614): No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog. http://tfl.nu/lwrd
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  (209): View more from California

  Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

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  (209): Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night. http://tfl.nu/9abu
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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  (514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (305): View more from Florida

  And the cops told us we were all naked.

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  (305): And the cops told us we were all naked. http://tfl.nu/sk8w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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  (330): Every perfect package comes with a warning label. http://tfl.nu/x7rd
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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  (573): just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch (636): Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving? (573): IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation http://tfl.nu/yr3e
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  (718): View more from New York

  he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

  (917): View more from New York City

  smooth operator

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  (718): he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty (917): smooth operator http://tfl.nu/2sej
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  (845): View more from New York

  I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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  (845): I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/6xbj
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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  (814): I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was. http://tfl.nu/qrct
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

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  (618): i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything http://tfl.nu/e4ud
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  (626): View more from California

  Dignity is for republicans.

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  (626): Dignity is for republicans. http://tfl.nu/vkse
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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  (313): sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework http://tfl.nu/3cov
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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  (203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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  (352): I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way. http://tfl.nu/qonl
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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  (720): New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future? http://tfl.nu/5rnd
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

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  (518): Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight. http://tfl.nu/ukzh
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (516): View more from New York

  if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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  (516): if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine http://tfl.nu/b6e8
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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  (972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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  (603): Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now? http://tfl.nu/rq4w
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  yes. helicopter.

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  (630): wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back? (816): yes. helicopter. http://tfl.nu/re1i
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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  (856): It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk. http://tfl.nu/u52z
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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  (270): I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/gibq
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (407): View more from Florida

  it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.

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  (407): it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone. http://tfl.nu/u2hu
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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  (262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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  (512): Too many people are naked here for this to be normal. http://tfl.nu/s42o
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
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  (718): View more from New York

  at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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  (718): at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue. http://tfl.nu/efry
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  (406): View more from Montana

  We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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  (406): We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase. http://tfl.nu/9rce
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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  (202): My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation. http://tfl.nu/z4sr
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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  (757): I won't be sarcastic... just naked http://tfl.nu/3vff
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  (661): View more from California

  His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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  (661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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  (317): What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/ssbm
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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  (980): You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls. http://tfl.nu/1jxr
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team

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  (978): i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team http://tfl.nu/fnfy
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It usually does with you

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  (717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit (1-717): It usually does with you http://tfl.nu/9ly0
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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  (706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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  (724): she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it" http://tfl.nu/sq67
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  (415): View more from California

  dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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  (415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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  (509): I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here. http://tfl.nu/f99e
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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  (814): Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder. http://tfl.nu/vt5f
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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  (404): i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay http://tfl.nu/pvcx
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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  (913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e
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  (914): View more from New York

  just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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  (914): just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic. http://tfl.nu/5aat
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  (813): View more from Florida

  His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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  (813): His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up. http://tfl.nu/dgzw
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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  (339): just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth. http://tfl.nu/ap45
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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  (270): Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first. http://tfl.nu/qnn2
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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  (+61): I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy http://tfl.nu/e6l2
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  (858): View more from California

  Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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  (858): Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it http://tfl.nu/r7l5
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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  (210): i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue http://tfl.nu/p7ux
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  (407): View more from Florida

  We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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  (407): We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression." http://tfl.nu/hom0
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.

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  (407): Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit. http://tfl.nu/dysf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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  (443): I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval. http://tfl.nu/2acf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

  (607): View more from New York

  Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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  (203): Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone. (607): Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/z2i9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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  (301): dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist http://tfl.nu/26ue
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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  (573): The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season http://tfl.nu/ewwq
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  (806): View more from Texas

  We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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  (806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

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  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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  (918): Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one http://tfl.nu/ihc6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  HOT DATE.

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  (201): Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day. (1-201): HOT DATE. http://tfl.nu/4vki
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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  (812): My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too. http://tfl.nu/4mju
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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  (403): Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me. http://tfl.nu/6qnx
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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  (251): As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic" http://tfl.nu/evdo
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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  (320): A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears. http://tfl.nu/pw7m
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Too many margaritas?

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  (405): Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog. (321): Too many margaritas? http://tfl.nu/18gt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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  (586): Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail. http://tfl.nu/99nr
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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  (904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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  (917): she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in http://tfl.nu/g0n5
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  (323): View more from California

  Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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  (323): Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper. http://tfl.nu/471e
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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  (954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc
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  (559): View more from California

  he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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  (559): he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me. http://tfl.nu/5jau
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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  (405): i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk? http://tfl.nu/idqr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...

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  (203): so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin... http://tfl.nu/2jr9
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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  (425): Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while http://tfl.nu/c37v
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

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  (808): Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps http://tfl.nu/jjp1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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  (732): obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong. http://tfl.nu/4d0b
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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  (208): On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you? http://tfl.nu/5voi
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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  (608): Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again. http://tfl.nu/9jrz
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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  (231): i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget http://tfl.nu/6lyk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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  (352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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  (269): Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option. http://tfl.nu/dknj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking

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  (401): I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking http://tfl.nu/g7j3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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  (302): I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night http://tfl.nu/y9ju
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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  (610): You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final http://tfl.nu/7b8j
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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  (603): I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations http://tfl.nu/80g5
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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  (757): you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse' http://tfl.nu/umk4
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (562): View more from California

  just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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  (562): just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore. http://tfl.nu/d75g
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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  (612): I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk http://tfl.nu/r6qp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This explains a lot.

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  (609): So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner.... (732): This explains a lot. http://tfl.nu/s7a0
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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  (708): We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now http://tfl.nu/mm02
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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  (773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami
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  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
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  (940): View more from Texas

  The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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  (940): The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down. http://tfl.nu/a74v
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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  (904): Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea http://tfl.nu/h1b1
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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  (339): I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette http://tfl.nu/67ko
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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  (641): and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger" http://tfl.nu/o631
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

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  (602): I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans? http://tfl.nu/zjae
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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  (704): Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo http://tfl.nu/ot2w
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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  (612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday. http://tfl.nu/86uh
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive

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  (413): he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive http://tfl.nu/jlaw
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

  (420): View more from

  your the best winggirl ever

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  (610): Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie (420): your the best winggirl ever http://tfl.nu/bhih
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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  (954): I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about. http://tfl.nu/gd5e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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  (203): Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me http://tfl.nu/rey7
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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  (931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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  (914): I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me http://tfl.nu/jvjy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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  (816): I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding. http://tfl.nu/1j8r
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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  (614): I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm. http://tfl.nu/xqmo
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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  (813): So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks http://tfl.nu/x484
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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  (651): The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. http://tfl.nu/9cqq
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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  (989): dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away http://tfl.nu/dlah
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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  (207): I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/pgeg
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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  (802): i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/lstw
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  (585): View more from New York

  You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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  (585): You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you. http://tfl.nu/pv3c
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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  (516): Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck. http://tfl.nu/ofvx
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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  (609): Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class http://tfl.nu/440m
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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  (603): You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!" http://tfl.nu/jokx
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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  (214): Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go http://tfl.nu/uzsa
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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  (270): It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night http://tfl.nu/y9wt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

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  (904): Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened. http://tfl.nu/0eyi
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.

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  (513): After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God. http://tfl.nu/onhi
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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  (316): when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre http://tfl.nu/3hgx
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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  (647): Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar. http://tfl.nu/rv9o
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  (817): View more from Texas

  just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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  (817): just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child http://tfl.nu/48ux
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy

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  (301): I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy http://tfl.nu/508u
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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  (316): I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex" http://tfl.nu/rqj6
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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  (313): Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/j0gt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
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  (817): View more from Texas

  New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.

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  (817): New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft. http://tfl.nu/mqah
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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  (902): i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian http://tfl.nu/10y7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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  (203): There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/0we4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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  (443): i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single? http://tfl.nu/navn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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  (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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  (208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6
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  (813): View more from Florida

  God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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  (813): God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket. http://tfl.nu/pclq
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  (631): View more from New York

  she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

  (516): View more from New York

  nope.

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  (631): she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? (516): nope. http://tfl.nu/1bih
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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  (202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj
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  (581): View more from Quebec

  I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.

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  (581): I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset. http://tfl.nu/8lj9
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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  (832): Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on. http://tfl.nu/m36i
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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  (850): I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over. http://tfl.nu/m507
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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  (215): I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk. http://tfl.nu/289e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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  (706): Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession? http://tfl.nu/ohzs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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  (407): Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast. http://tfl.nu/8b17
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  (310): View more from California

  So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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  (310): So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned? http://tfl.nu/6bz7
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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  (770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  i do.

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  (256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm
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  (914): View more from New York

  yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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  (914): yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans http://tfl.nu/zwc8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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  (847): I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night. http://tfl.nu/upkg
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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  (973): Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car http://tfl.nu/9e8r
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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  (812): Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people... http://tfl.nu/4gx3
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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  (419): Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico http://tfl.nu/934w
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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  (256): I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed. http://tfl.nu/8aru
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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  (204): they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control. http://tfl.nu/p5nx
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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  (810): woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/ubfv
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Operation Purity has been aborted

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  (306): Operation Purity has been aborted http://tfl.nu/jf4h
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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  (615): I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting. http://tfl.nu/31wc
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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  (617): He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/v8g0
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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  (724): It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it http://tfl.nu/fti9
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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  (214): I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat http://tfl.nu/a753
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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  (518): I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire. http://tfl.nu/37qo
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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  (443): I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from. http://tfl.nu/qa0c
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.

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  (814): please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week. http://tfl.nu/2kmj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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  (704): The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it. http://tfl.nu/e919
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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  (902): You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes http://tfl.nu/flaw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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  (703): well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too http://tfl.nu/1ldg
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.

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  (660): I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better. http://tfl.nu/xn35
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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  (813): She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is http://tfl.nu/qdi2
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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  (803): I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene. http://tfl.nu/fj0l
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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  (910): He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn. http://tfl.nu/hrhg
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
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  (408): View more from California

  you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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  (408): you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later" http://tfl.nu/6byl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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  (617): she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her... http://tfl.nu/azzw
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and miss being on the news....no way

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  (571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
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  (509): View more from Washington

  after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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  (509): after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery http://tfl.nu/ntn4
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.

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  (254): I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night. http://tfl.nu/j8hi
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

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  (812): i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities http://tfl.nu/t8hr
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  (916): View more from California

  I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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  (916): I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences" http://tfl.nu/bi6b
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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  (517): My own mom unfriended me on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/a468
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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  (425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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  (573): just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist. http://tfl.nu/hmuv
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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  (306): funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you http://tfl.nu/jsw9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.

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  (507): That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form. http://tfl.nu/4aa9
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (650): View more from California

  I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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  (650): I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered. http://tfl.nu/k2a9
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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  (402): I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song. http://tfl.nu/3qmr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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  (317): he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed http://tfl.nu/zklq
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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  (973): I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung. http://tfl.nu/lg9m
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have a critically important question to ask.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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  (519): I have a critically important question to ask. (519): Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist? http://tfl.nu/val5
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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  (781): Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him. http://tfl.nu/iiv7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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  (973): So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family http://tfl.nu/6om1
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

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  (703): unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis http://tfl.nu/rixp
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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  (248): today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much http://tfl.nu/3dmn
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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  (912): It's not kidnapping if it's romantic http://tfl.nu/j4mo
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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  (540): i really wish james franco would like my vagina http://tfl.nu/g4mj
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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  (604): I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked... http://tfl.nu/ab3l
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  (716): View more from New York

  She's like a pop up book from hell.

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  (716): She's like a pop up book from hell. http://tfl.nu/grf5
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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  (219): I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives. http://tfl.nu/v9m4
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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  (651): All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!" http://tfl.nu/l7i0
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
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  (585): View more from New York

  you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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  (585): you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated http://tfl.nu/r9p5
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (949): View more from California

  you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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  (949): you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano. http://tfl.nu/kwsa
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (716): View more from New York

  as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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  (716): as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack. (1-716): momma always taught us never to change for a boy.. http://tfl.nu/3cjy
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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  (609): I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest http://tfl.nu/t023
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

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  (828): Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom? http://tfl.nu/y1hl
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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  (905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it. http://tfl.nu/mzwz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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  (713): If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free. http://tfl.nu/xcq7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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  (440): any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10? http://tfl.nu/j6t4
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  (727): View more from Florida

  In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

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  (727): In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up. http://tfl.nu/1vdz
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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  (901): I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?" http://tfl.nu/efd9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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  (201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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  (719): Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now. http://tfl.nu/m6w8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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  (443): Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable. http://tfl.nu/quma
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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  (313): so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT. http://tfl.nu/lt7f
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  (212): View more from New York

  yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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  (212): yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer" http://tfl.nu/u5kx
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  (281): View more from Texas

  He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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  (281): He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back. http://tfl.nu/ko52
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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  (214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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  (207): I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar? http://tfl.nu/a7cq
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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  (636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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  (301): he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself. http://tfl.nu/68qu
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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  (604): his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed http://tfl.nu/zsvf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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  (541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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  (931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex. http://tfl.nu/p49h
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  "reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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  (515): "reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time. http://tfl.nu/in1x
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  (817): View more from Texas

  As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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  (817): As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie. http://tfl.nu/p0o8
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.

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  (508): the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful. http://tfl.nu/u6l8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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  (513): Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot. http://tfl.nu/qalf
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  (585): View more from New York

  I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  You are so irish.

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  (585): I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better. (1-585): You are so irish. http://tfl.nu/pewr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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  (610): I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families (570): That statement alone makes me laugh so hard. http://tfl.nu/jdb3
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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  (724): Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose. http://tfl.nu/bo74
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  (956): View more from Texas

  is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

  (210): View more from Texas

  no

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  (956): is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge? (210): no http://tfl.nu/pkgs
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.

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  (267): This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything. http://tfl.nu/flqr
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (585): View more from New York

  you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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  (585): you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish http://tfl.nu/f18y
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  (650): View more from California

  on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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  (650): on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/s17l
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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  (610): I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning. http://tfl.nu/50tz
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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  (269): You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan http://tfl.nu/otnu
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  (518): View more from New York

  4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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  (518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  This kid is drunk.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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  (240): This kid is drunk. (410): I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted. http://tfl.nu/8aqa
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

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  (314): who the fuck is that kid sitting with you... (1-314): I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out. http://tfl.nu/gjl6
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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  (513): i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone http://tfl.nu/hza4
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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  (814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

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  (407): I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk. http://tfl.nu/exk9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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  (201): You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!" http://tfl.nu/rb09
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  What is a GED?

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  (208): Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly (1-208): What is a GED? http://tfl.nu/qgi3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"

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  (203): all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober" http://tfl.nu/2nrl
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  (310): View more from California

  Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on

  (1-310): View more from California

  I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his

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  (310): Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on (1-310): I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his http://tfl.nu/vdif
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  (951): View more from California

  So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

  (909): View more from California

  dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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  (951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  oh, you finally did the dishes then?

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  No, bought new ones.

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  (980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight. (704): oh, you finally did the dishes then? (980): No, bought new ones. http://tfl.nu/21up
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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  (803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season

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  (517): the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season http://tfl.nu/k0xy
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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  (973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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  (705): dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant http://tfl.nu/i402
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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  (413): I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date. (215): You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds. http://tfl.nu/2p7v
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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  (904): i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall http://tfl.nu/fpdq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job

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  (904): I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job http://tfl.nu/0l9r
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.

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  (214): Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me. http://tfl.nu/94g1
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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  (716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Happy Birthday

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  (541): I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry. (1-541): Happy Birthday http://tfl.nu/2hsd
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  (916): View more from California

  He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

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  (916): He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car. http://tfl.nu/y9if
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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  (330): We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever. http://tfl.nu/56mg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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  (305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming. http://tfl.nu/4nef
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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  (312): the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building. http://tfl.nu/d9kx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9

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  (732): its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9 http://tfl.nu/78ka
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  (845): View more from New York

  Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

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  (845): Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD http://tfl.nu/xg03
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.

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  (609): I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk. http://tfl.nu/79zz
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

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  (504): how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children http://tfl.nu/hk2n
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  (914): View more from New York

  you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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  (914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds http://tfl.nu/u8pq
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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  (724): Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases http://tfl.nu/ns4i
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
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  (818): View more from California

  he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.

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  (818): he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon. http://tfl.nu/n681
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  (310): View more from California

  A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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  (310): A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am. http://tfl.nu/d1e6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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  (443): The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts" http://tfl.nu/th5a
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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  (508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor. (339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though. http://tfl.nu/0uyr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

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  (703): you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still. http://tfl.nu/6jjh
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A

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  (814): I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A http://tfl.nu/j0fk
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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  (215): these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real http://tfl.nu/vc07
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks

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  (210): Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks http://tfl.nu/5a6w
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

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  (239): Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread. http://tfl.nu/62jg
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.

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  (313): Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you. http://tfl.nu/ll2r
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

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  (610): My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/h8rn
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  (650): View more from California

  you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"

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  (650): you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks" http://tfl.nu/u0u9
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  (253): View more from Washington

  DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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  (253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge? http://tfl.nu/bwm6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.

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  (847): I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware. http://tfl.nu/l9zj
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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  (217): You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk http://tfl.nu/jf67
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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  (720): Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight. http://tfl.nu/wlf9
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

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  (269): I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college. http://tfl.nu/4edw
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this

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  (304): enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this http://tfl.nu/89bx
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
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  (650): View more from California

  i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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  (650): i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family. http://tfl.nu/mjvo
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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  (859): Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi! http://tfl.nu/jfyt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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  (215): you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off http://tfl.nu/9bti
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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  (952): he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/uw0a
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous

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  (304): I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous http://tfl.nu/zxmn
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

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  (602): you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer. http://tfl.nu/7uxe
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.

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  (208): Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge. http://tfl.nu/9q10
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  (239): View more from Florida

  And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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  (239): And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine". http://tfl.nu/teku
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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  (570): so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party. http://tfl.nu/bja2
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?

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  (541): you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me? http://tfl.nu/hd4u
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  (206): View more from Washington

  There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

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  (206): There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out. http://tfl.nu/5rrz
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask

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  (732): I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask http://tfl.nu/8bk4
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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  (440): Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade. http://tfl.nu/kiie
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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  (352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink

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  (815): it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink http://tfl.nu/effl
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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  (801): I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high. (1-801): We could get him to build Inspector Gadget. (801): I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!! http://tfl.nu/5lpc
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  "Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.

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  (704): "Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization. http://tfl.nu/xva8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.

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  (630): i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons. http://tfl.nu/sim9
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  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
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  (027): View more from

  I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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  (027): I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge http://tfl.nu/wz99
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

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  (207): Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man http://tfl.nu/9o60
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

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  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

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  (337): I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed. http://tfl.nu/us0c
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  (949): View more from California

  You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.

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  (949): You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food. http://tfl.nu/pk8x
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  (619): View more from California

  its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.

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  (619): its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite. http://tfl.nu/gcjl
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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  (954): I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears. http://tfl.nu/6ckb
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  (909): View more from California

  do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?

  (760): View more from California

  and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook

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  (909): do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"? (760): and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook http://tfl.nu/nbai
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  (718): View more from New York

  you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"

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  (718): you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD" http://tfl.nu/zg6m
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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  (404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense. http://tfl.nu/zmp3
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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  (412): Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets. http://tfl.nu/agl3
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?

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  (740): how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian? http://tfl.nu/pz5v
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  (940): View more from Texas

  and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.

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  (940): and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/usna
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?

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  (416): I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL? http://tfl.nu/iaot
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  (805): View more from California

  An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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  (805): An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice. http://tfl.nu/s7hm
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  (345): View more from Cayman Islands

  so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper

  (574): View more from Indiana

  well at least shes not calling you fat anymore

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  (345): so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper (574): well at least shes not calling you fat anymore http://tfl.nu/rxln
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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  (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes. (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/t985
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache

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  (860): New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache http://tfl.nu/a5vx
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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  (703): I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking. http://tfl.nu/6jrt
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  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
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  (607): View more from New York

  How was dinner with ur grandparents?

  (1-607): View more from New York

  I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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  (607): How was dinner with ur grandparents? (1-607) I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana." http://tfl.nu/9nup
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious

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  (847): The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious http://tfl.nu/2wct
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?

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  (570): Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning? http://tfl.nu/o1k1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i have a girlfriend

  (847): View more from Illinois

  if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  no

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  (630): i have a girlfriend (847): if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend? (630): no http://tfl.nu/0yu4
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

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  (307): i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian. http://tfl.nu/fuqa
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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  (478): yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way" http://tfl.nu/67ib
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  (716): View more from New York

  Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

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  (716): Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise. http://tfl.nu/ygq6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.

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  (847): okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy. http://tfl.nu/r1l8
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.

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  (804): god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked. http://tfl.nu/eqg5
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.

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  (413): she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman. http://tfl.nu/lb9r
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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  (206): Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story. http://tfl.nu/xxuj
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..

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  (843): so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor.. http://tfl.nu/qi2l
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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  (208): I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome. http://tfl.nu/laeb
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  (713): View more from Texas

  All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.

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  (713): All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter. http://tfl.nu/461a
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  (516): View more from New York

  Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.

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  (516): Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door. http://tfl.nu/5od7
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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  (704): I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing. http://tfl.nu/dymp
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  (310): View more from California

  you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

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  (310): you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday. http://tfl.nu/y9g2
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  (903): View more from Texas

  My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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  (903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. http://tfl.nu/fhlb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

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  (513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead http://tfl.nu/yu41
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fuck appropriateness.

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  (301): Fuck appropriateness. http://tfl.nu/83xq
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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  (314): Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though. http://tfl.nu/zzah
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  (209): View more from California

  do you want me to make hamburgers?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'm vegan

  (209): View more from California

  i'll put lettuce on them

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  (209): do you want me to make hamburgers? (541): i'm vegan (209): i'll put lettuce on them http://tfl.nu/hb72
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  can you blame him?

  (519): View more from Ontario

  i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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  (226): can you blame him? (519): i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT http://tfl.nu/oyzm
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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  (908): The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels. http://tfl.nu/nz1k
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.

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  (651): It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits. http://tfl.nu/7qz9
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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  (405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome http://tfl.nu/rn4a
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.

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  (917): Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed. http://tfl.nu/8c7h
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.

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  (919): Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman. http://tfl.nu/6efe
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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  (301): She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/0dzx
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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  (919): i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles" http://tfl.nu/049n
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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  (303): God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with. (720): And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids. http://tfl.nu/a779
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

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  (847): Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did? http://tfl.nu/wv87
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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  (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. http://tfl.nu/jawa
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.

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  (515): Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life. http://tfl.nu/dizz
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  (813): View more from Florida

  i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa

  (404): View more from Georgia

  sure if you go to prison

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  (813): i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa (404): sure if you go to prison http://tfl.nu/yad5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.

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  (402): So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing. http://tfl.nu/7on0
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Could a canary swim?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Last time I ever let you pet sit.

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  (651): Could a canary swim? (952): Last time I ever let you pet sit. http://tfl.nu/tcs0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten

  (301): View more from Maryland

  so glad i banged her when she was skinny

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  (443): its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten (301): so glad i banged her when she was skinny http://tfl.nu/17dv
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  (209): View more from California

  update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

  (1-209): View more from California

  the house was on fire??

  (209): View more from California

  shit I thought I told you.

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  (209): update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff. (1-209): the house was on fire?? (209): shit I thought I told you. http://tfl.nu/gdcx
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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  (816): you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell. http://tfl.nu/74j4
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

  (917): View more from New York City

  oh thats it?

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  (1-917): you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around... (917): oh thats it? http://tfl.nu/beq9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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  (404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn. http://tfl.nu/mlpv
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I hope im prettier

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying

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  (828): I hope im prettier (1-828): yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying http://tfl.nu/h2yr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.

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  (970): sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan. http://tfl.nu/zri3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

  (516): View more from New York

  one can only hope.

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  (732): I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves? (516): one can only hope. http://tfl.nu/2jko
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

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  (775): If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band. http://tfl.nu/wzbw
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  (951): View more from California

  Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

  (951): View more from California

  Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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  (951): Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night. (951): Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended. http://tfl.nu/dcrw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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  (859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa
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  (831): View more from California

  I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.

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  (831): I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco. http://tfl.nu/qnto
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish i could be there for it

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  (413): Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning (1-413): More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub (413): I wish i could be there for it http://tfl.nu/f5kk
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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  (508): Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after http://tfl.nu/akdp
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  i want to fuck

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  ?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  it's pretty self explanatory

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  (701): i want to fuck (320): ? (701): it's pretty self explanatory http://tfl.nu/ul4n
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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  (704 ): I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is http://tfl.nu/z1kt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.

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  (360): So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor. http://tfl.nu/jcpz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.

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  (505): I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets. http://tfl.nu/lw2y
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"

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  (703): Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises" http://tfl.nu/h5gc
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  (831): View more from California

  There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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  (831): There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college. http://tfl.nu/9iax
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha

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  (702): Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday... (1-702): ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha http://tfl.nu/3d74
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  (806): View more from Texas

  my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.

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  (806): my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar. http://tfl.nu/xuyq
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

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  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.

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  (215): You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid. (215): While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here. http://tfl.nu/jz3m
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  (626): View more from California

  Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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  (626): Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/kgjr
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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  (832): I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots" (832): On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep. http://tfl.nu/g6me
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait

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  (208): I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait http://tfl.nu/xv9u
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.

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  (251): Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance (303): It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime. http://tfl.nu/1z36
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

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  (412): I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes. http://tfl.nu/yyns
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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  (732): FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket. http://tfl.nu/p1i6
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.

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  (336): i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets. http://tfl.nu/gfq6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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  (603): Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background? http://tfl.nu/ypnh
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  (949): View more from California

  I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.

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  (949): I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh. http://tfl.nu/wtou
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

  (406): View more from Montana

  Ok, i'm coming over

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  (320): It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now. (320): He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage. (406): Ok, i'm coming over http://tfl.nu/vi8g
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  (408): View more from California

  i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.

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  (408): i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked. http://tfl.nu/0z4b
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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  (704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass. http://tfl.nu/jig4
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote

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  (812): At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote http://tfl.nu/x0fb
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection

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  (206): Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection http://tfl.nu/mgca
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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  (402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce (1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. http://tfl.nu/loe7
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  she looked like the bat from fern gully.

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  (480): she looked like the bat from fern gully. http://tfl.nu/q79p
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

  (770): View more from Georgia

  she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You KNEW her power was out...

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  (404): I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said (770): she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to (404): You KNEW her power was out... http://tfl.nu/ggzc
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.

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  (859): I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more. http://tfl.nu/etjd
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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  (913): I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me. http://tfl.nu/mpf5
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

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  (847): Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight http://tfl.nu/3mek
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.

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  (816): If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance. http://tfl.nu/qptg
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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  (908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger" http://tfl.nu/twr9
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  (914): View more from New York

  Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.

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  (914): Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people. http://tfl.nu/31i5
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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  (206): I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner http://tfl.nu/6elk
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  you smoke with your eyes?

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  (203): i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed (787): you smoke with your eyes? http://tfl.nu/xom7
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  what do you have against ST

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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  (540): what do you have against ST (1-540): DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/zpvl
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  (972): View more from Texas

  like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

  (214): View more from Texas

  I hope to god you are high

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  (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys (214): I hope to god you are high http://tfl.nu/z79a
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.

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  (561): I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes. http://tfl.nu/o56m
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference

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  (847): Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference http://tfl.nu/ny65
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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  (206): I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light. (1-206): Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had. http://tfl.nu/n63r
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  wait... oh

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  (401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM (616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek? (401): wait... oh http://tfl.nu/kgtx
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy

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  (818): I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy http://tfl.nu/zo8r
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

  (408): View more from California

  oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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  (480): I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy? (408): oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no http://tfl.nu/w6ll
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Are you high?

  (510): View more from California

  No. That's why it's odd

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  (510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok
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  (760): View more from California

  Do you need to be saved?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  No I think I'm God

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  (760): Do you need to be saved? (847): No I think I'm God http://tfl.nu/obwr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.

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  (847): I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil. http://tfl.nu/z427
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  (760): View more from California

  ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!

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  (760): ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!! http://tfl.nu/73h7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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  (773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman? http://tfl.nu/4514
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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  (312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight. (773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal http://tfl.nu/9vmu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You know you think of me naked too

  (210): View more from Texas

  Not since I found Jesus

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  (360): You know you think of me naked too (210): Not since I found Jesus http://tfl.nu/jext
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.

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  (317): Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother. http://tfl.nu/z8j5
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I am a bulletproof tiger!

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?

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  (828): I am a bulletproof tiger! (615): Haha. Nice, be careful tonight. (828): I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat? http://tfl.nu/tz40
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude, I just rear-ended a cab

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Are you drunk?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  A little...yes

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Run!

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Terrible brother advice.

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  (770): Dude, I just rear-ended a cab (404): Are you drunk? (770): A little...yes (404): Run! (770): Terrible brother advice. http://tfl.nu/gq63
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

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  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.

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  (720): More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun. http://tfl.nu/f0pl
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  (949): View more from California

  Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old

  (503): View more from Oregon

  You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.

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  (949): Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old (503): You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24. http://tfl.nu/2eqo
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  (845): View more from New York

  whjeg hajt iyt

  (914): View more from New York

  say what?

  (845): View more from New York

  wanna hang out?

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  (845): whjeg hajt iyt (914): say what? (845): wanna hang out? http://tfl.nu/4g99
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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  (603): Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies? http://tfl.nu/c806
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Call meee

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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  (603): Call meee (781): Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now... http://tfl.nu/j06g
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah, where have you been?

  (407): View more from Florida

  Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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  (978): Yeah, where have you been? (407): Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus. http://tfl.nu/jpxm
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.

  (407): View more from Florida

  I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.

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  (860): You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you. (407): I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige. http://tfl.nu/6i4m
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite

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  (586): I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk (586): I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite http://tfl.nu/tt9d
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm lost and stupid without you.

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  (708): I'm lost and stupid without you. http://tfl.nu/d04q
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  (863): View more from Florida

  haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

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  (863): haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people http://tfl.nu/1coi
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  (858): View more from California

  Umm I'm too high to move.

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  (858): Umm I'm too high to move. http://tfl.nu/ye5s
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  life is too short to starve

  (678): View more from Georgia

  life is also too short to be fat

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  (336): life is too short to starve (678): life is also too short to be fat http://tfl.nu/v94u
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Ppl just aren't as funny as we are

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  (847): Ppl just aren't as funny as we are http://tfl.nu/yoyk
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?

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  (586): Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand. (1-586): What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive? http://tfl.nu/qfk1
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.

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  (616): I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does. http://tfl.nu/4jqf
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm not a real person

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I'm sorry, everyone knows that

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  (586): I'm not a real person (586): I'm sorry, everyone knows that http://tfl.nu/uvd5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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  (773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.

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  (248): I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease. http://tfl.nu/084h
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Already got asked if we're dating

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  (313): Already got asked if we're dating http://tfl.nu/nrdc
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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  (407): Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer. http://tfl.nu/hnl7
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
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