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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
what day is it and did you see me today?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
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