Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Follow @tfln