Texts From Last Night

polacke's Favorites Texts:

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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
  Replies (41) Good night (9271) Bad night (3171) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (6429) Bad night (1176)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
  Replies (22) Good night (5086) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (29) Good night (5000) Bad night (790)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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  (314): At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving? http://tfl.nu/o7j4
  Replies (10) Good night (4201) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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  (607): I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud! http://tfl.nu/toc7
  Replies (7) Good night (3957) Bad night (609)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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  (573): You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now. http://tfl.nu/pagz
  Replies (7) Good night (3934) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Can I have him when you're done?

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  (903): He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding (541): Can I have him when you're done? http://tfl.nu/4y2y
  Replies (14) Good night (3682) Bad night (671)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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  (413): he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand http://tfl.nu/zcon
  Replies (17) Good night (3679) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
  Replies (13) Good night (3653) Bad night (262) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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  (801): When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married? http://tfl.nu/a2v4
  Replies (9) Good night (3416) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  True on all accounts.

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  (702): I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me. (1-702): True on all accounts. http://tfl.nu/tt9s
  Replies (13) Good night (3369) Bad night (813)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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  (502): Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway. http://tfl.nu/fbtk
  Replies (13) Good night (3334) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

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  (+61): Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup. http://tfl.nu/3fht
  Replies (9) Good night (3222) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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  (949): I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id. (702): It's like the whiskey god was watching over you http://tfl.nu/wgp4
  Replies (7) Good night (3181) Bad night (489)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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  (662): She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list. http://tfl.nu/gj4y
  Replies (21) Good night (3154) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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  (310): Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night... http://tfl.nu/707e
  Replies (15) Good night (3138) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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  (352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed
  Replies (15) Good night (3133) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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  (850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians. (1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue. http://tfl.nu/hc5m
  Replies (10) Good night (3011) Bad night (493)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?

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  (314): She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her? http://tfl.nu/5dev
  Replies (18) Good night (2895) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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  (937): she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks. http://tfl.nu/kgtb
  Replies (12) Good night (2861) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2817) Bad night (911)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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  (301): His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy. (1-301): I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok. http://tfl.nu/z40b
  Replies (16) Good night (2783) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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  (250): I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki http://tfl.nu/rhok
  Replies (14) Good night (2781) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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  (423): We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off. http://tfl.nu/yele
  Replies (17) Good night (2750) Bad night (175)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?

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  (605): How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts? http://tfl.nu/1g9l
  Replies (16) Good night (2746) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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  (316): Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired. http://tfl.nu/ogws
  Replies (24) Good night (2722) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

  (516): View more from New York

  .org?

  (631): View more from New York

  yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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  (631): if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org (516): .org? (631): yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night. http://tfl.nu/4hpr
  Replies (8) Good night (2698) Bad night (494)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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  (770): There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese. (404): My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe. http://tfl.nu/muox
  Replies (15) Good night (2659) Bad night (256)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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  (937): How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold. http://tfl.nu/0xc1
  Replies (14) Good night (2630) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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  (850): This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes. http://tfl.nu/j4m5
  Replies (19) Good night (2572) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.

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  (865): He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW. http://tfl.nu/b38y
  Replies (16) Good night (2565) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  I hope you fall on your chin.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Jealousy makes you ugly.

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  (802): I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore. (1-802): I hope you fall on your chin. (802): Jealousy makes you ugly. http://tfl.nu/isvw
  Replies (14) Good night (2537) Bad night (772)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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  (615): When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/p92h
  Replies (17) Good night (2510) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.

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  (703): Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress. http://tfl.nu/zjlr
  Replies (7) Good night (2451) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

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  (970): From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick. http://tfl.nu/h7vg
  Replies (13) Good night (2412) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

  (254): View more from Texas

  Jealous?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Very.

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  (903): This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits. (254): Jealous? (903): Very. http://tfl.nu/i9gx
  Replies (8) Good night (2343) Bad night (679)
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  (650): View more from California

  I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

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  (650): I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage. http://tfl.nu/zawq
  Replies (10) Good night (2327) Bad night (1182) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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  (937): You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already. http://tfl.nu/06li
  Replies (9) Good night (2295) Bad night (648)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

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  (812): Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding. http://tfl.nu/ofow
  Replies (16) Good night (2258) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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  (573): Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk? http://tfl.nu/c8sl
  Replies (24) Good night (2243) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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  (608): I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory." http://tfl.nu/0nol
  Replies (7) Good night (2238) Bad night (333)
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  (818): View more from California

  We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

  (619): View more from California

  I will find you...

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  (818): We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank. (619): I will find you... http://tfl.nu/dshk
  Replies (16) Good night (2220) Bad night (382)
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

  (587): View more from Alberta

  She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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  (587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl? (780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus? (587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass. http://tfl.nu/i4m5
  Replies (68) Good night (2172) Bad night (4369)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?

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  (615): His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win? http://tfl.nu/uubh
  Replies (11) Good night (2164) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Do you have any booze?

  (214): View more from Texas

  Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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  (817): Do you have any booze? (214): Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl... http://tfl.nu/sb57
  Replies (9) Good night (2156) Bad night (420)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.

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  (765): He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26. http://tfl.nu/98vv
  Replies (22) Good night (2135) Bad night (895) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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  (734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club? http://tfl.nu/ttz5
  Replies (17) Good night (2094) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night

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  (303): New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night http://tfl.nu/j3fg
  Replies (11) Good night (2088) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.

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  (724): Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/3pug
  Replies (11) Good night (2078) Bad night (626)
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  (681): View more from West Virginia

  Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.

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  (681): Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most. http://tfl.nu/7o83
  Replies (12) Good night (2007) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Please tell me you're talking about his personality.

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  (347): Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year. (917): Please tell me you're talking about his personality. http://tfl.nu/ofhy
  Replies (7) Good night (2007) Bad night (863)
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  (831): View more from California

  I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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  (831): I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/8xfg
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  (562): View more from California

  Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.

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  (562): Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid. http://tfl.nu/2ztg
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  (607): View more from New York

  you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship

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  (607): you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship http://tfl.nu/e8ub
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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  (917): Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...

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  (402): Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways... http://tfl.nu/6fzc
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

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  (484): We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town. http://tfl.nu/27ii
  Replies (23) Good night (1875) Bad night (538)
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird

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  (209): I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird http://tfl.nu/f8av
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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  (616): She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs. http://tfl.nu/e8xn
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.

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  (613): We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me. http://tfl.nu/jjop
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

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  (412): I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang http://tfl.nu/dtxk
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??

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  (954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted?? http://tfl.nu/5rk7
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  (530): View more from California

  My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

  (530): View more from California

  You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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  (530): My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans (530): You've been usurped as King of the Gays http://tfl.nu/3bmd
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  (516): View more from New York

  i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal

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  (516): i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal http://tfl.nu/qt14
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  (209): View more from California

  Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.

  (209): View more from California

  And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.

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  (209): Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012. (209): And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas. http://tfl.nu/yl8f
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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  (514): can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me?? http://tfl.nu/2sh7
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  (415): View more from California

  We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

  (916): View more from California

  Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

  (415): View more from California

  HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

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  (415): We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002. (916): Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening. (415): HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone. http://tfl.nu/fe9v
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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  (215): I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names. http://tfl.nu/kef5
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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  (906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad. http://tfl.nu/iebd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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  (610): You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude. http://tfl.nu/8276
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey

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  (508): He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey http://tfl.nu/jy2i
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money

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  (403): Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money http://tfl.nu/gvry
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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  (720): His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home. (1-720): I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that. http://tfl.nu/5b3q
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.

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  (443): okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't. http://tfl.nu/3nap
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.

  (936): View more from Texas

  You are the coolest girlfriend ever.

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  (903): Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us. (936): You are the coolest girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/hjex
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.

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  (+61): I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you. http://tfl.nu/i3nm
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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  (337): Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work. http://tfl.nu/3b5u
  Replies (8) Good night (1425) Bad night (326)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.

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  (518): Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass. http://tfl.nu/ms9b
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I'll uninvite my mom

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  (989): He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis. (1-989): I'll uninvite my mom http://tfl.nu/cezv
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.

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  (407): Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless. http://tfl.nu/zvko
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  (510): View more from California

  I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay

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  (510): I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay http://tfl.nu/zswj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

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  (360): All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower. http://tfl.nu/z2xv
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.

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  (330): My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out. http://tfl.nu/tebu
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.

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  (804): I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary. http://tfl.nu/ps0w
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.

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  (918): Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want. http://tfl.nu/d7n8
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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  (706): My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up. http://tfl.nu/hq93
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  (408): View more from California

  Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.

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  (408): Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you. http://tfl.nu/z19y
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.

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  (706): six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot. http://tfl.nu/rrmy
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.

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  (567): I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it. http://tfl.nu/gm4t
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  (315): View more from New York

  WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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  (315): WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/3w9f
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

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  (412): I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth http://tfl.nu/07bl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have major gossip for you.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh no, did you have sex last night?

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

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  (570): I have major gossip for you. (1-570): Oh no, did you have sex last night? (570): If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited. http://tfl.nu/1upd
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.

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  (937): Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/uerp
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  So... He's a barber?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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  (847): He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part. (312): So... He's a barber? (847): No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it? http://tfl.nu/hrcs
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

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  (630): He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me. http://tfl.nu/kvrj
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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  (301): Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles" http://tfl.nu/ewys
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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  (317): I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing. (1-317): As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you. http://tfl.nu/0owh
  Replies (5) Good night (1239) Bad night (299)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.

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  (541): He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans (503): Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants. http://tfl.nu/h1iw
  Replies (7) Good night (1212) Bad night (244)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.

  (210): View more from Texas

  my parents really loved me back then.

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  (210): I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed. (210): my parents really loved me back then. http://tfl.nu/7xue
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  (817): View more from Texas

  How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?

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  (817): How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf? http://tfl.nu/6kzv
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  (415): View more from California

  The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.

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  (415): The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes. http://tfl.nu/qcrt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.

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  (336): You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens. http://tfl.nu/3z5p
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.

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  (281): Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out. http://tfl.nu/697e
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

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  (781): I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever. http://tfl.nu/tgjb
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

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  (229): She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather. http://tfl.nu/lq1l
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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  (905): Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today. http://tfl.nu/u9so
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.

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  (330): listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life. http://tfl.nu/0xlf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day

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  (215): just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day http://tfl.nu/2xr8
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land

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  (812): I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land http://tfl.nu/d4a5
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  (716): View more from New York

  The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

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  (716): The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West. http://tfl.nu/935n
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I can't wait to read your obituary.

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  (815): Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her. (507): I can't wait to read your obituary. http://tfl.nu/uin6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on

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  (508): Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on http://tfl.nu/0ff0
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Nope that was a dude

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  (651): Alls I remember is making out with that chick. (612): Nope that was a dude http://tfl.nu/9vd8
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years

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  (717): Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years http://tfl.nu/kz81
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  (310): View more from California

  thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

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  (310): thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones. http://tfl.nu/qrwe
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  (516): View more from New York

  New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete

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  (516): New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete http://tfl.nu/uf35
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  (210): View more from Texas

  my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...

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  (210): my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me... http://tfl.nu/0ufz
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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  (916): I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay http://tfl.nu/vfh5
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  (406): View more from Montana

  We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.

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  (406): We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors. http://tfl.nu/7kjk
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  (707): View more from California

  Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

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  (707): Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend. http://tfl.nu/wf6o
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.

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  (610): Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls. http://tfl.nu/zc4i
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

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  (703): can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ? http://tfl.nu/41ep
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

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  (303): do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie? http://tfl.nu/kg1j
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  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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  (914): I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot. http://tfl.nu/25dg
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.

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  (301): He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis. http://tfl.nu/pct3
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."

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  (228): I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult." http://tfl.nu/mdv1
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.

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  (206): i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet. http://tfl.nu/qbs8
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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  (514): He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why http://tfl.nu/b6q6
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.

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  (216): My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me. http://tfl.nu/b8jl
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet

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  (605): You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet http://tfl.nu/kwah
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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  (770): Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer. (770): Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand. http://tfl.nu/1fds
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.

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  (541): I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis. http://tfl.nu/x9yx
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  (707): View more from California

  As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

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  (707): As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment. http://tfl.nu/opoe
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...

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  (717): And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv... http://tfl.nu/8bd5
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.

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  (604): You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed. http://tfl.nu/a2ab
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.

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  (209): I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting. http://tfl.nu/cws8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.

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  (402): He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians. http://tfl.nu/6owi
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.

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  (208): Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch. http://tfl.nu/hfll
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  (530): View more from California

  .......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.

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  (530): .......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space. http://tfl.nu/f94k
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells

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  (978): I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells http://tfl.nu/uff7
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  (323): View more from California

  Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?

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  (323): Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you? http://tfl.nu/qb3x
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?

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  (416): How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard? http://tfl.nu/770q
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married

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  (941): Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married http://tfl.nu/yr2i
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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  (302): I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight http://tfl.nu/n5g0
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.

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  (203): I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed. http://tfl.nu/lxpv
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  (858): View more from California

  He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"

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  (858): He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup" http://tfl.nu/blqz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last

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  (410): i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last http://tfl.nu/j9db
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  U took a sewing needle to his nipple

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  Psshh,

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  (201): U took a sewing needle to his nipple (1-201): Psshh, http://tfl.nu/q54n
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them

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  (608): just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them http://tfl.nu/tyvr
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up

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  (214): Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up http://tfl.nu/l4k9
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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  (702): I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century. http://tfl.nu/3h7h
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  (845): View more from New York

  Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self

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  (845): Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self http://tfl.nu/ea7y
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!

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  (517): No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf (615): Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?! http://tfl.nu/9d33
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  (463): View more from

  I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.

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  (463): I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file. http://tfl.nu/era2
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.

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  (503): Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur. http://tfl.nu/hsyp
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.

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  (479): He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background. http://tfl.nu/fwy9
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.

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  (623): It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too. http://tfl.nu/xu8j
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

  (301): View more from Maryland

  That wasn't a compliment.

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  (202): She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal." (301): That wasn't a compliment. http://tfl.nu/gg7a
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short

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  (312): So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short http://tfl.nu/ro22
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"

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  (971): He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors" http://tfl.nu/9vvt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

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  (512): Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me http://tfl.nu/ce08
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.

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  (206): You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want. http://tfl.nu/h1r5
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine

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  (917): I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine http://tfl.nu/wwy9
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"

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  (828): Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole" http://tfl.nu/3q74
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

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  (303): he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper http://tfl.nu/eza0
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.

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  (515): I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life. http://tfl.nu/bwnh
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper

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  (780): I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper http://tfl.nu/1q8k
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I think a kid would responsible me up

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  (906): I think a kid would responsible me up http://tfl.nu/vbco
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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  (443): i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream http://tfl.nu/zdot
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?

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  (303): I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters? http://tfl.nu/gcgg
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say

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  (416): She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say http://tfl.nu/mu9a
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.

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  (801): He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life. http://tfl.nu/2uzh
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.

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  (724): dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another. http://tfl.nu/986r
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?

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  (231): Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again? http://tfl.nu/uf7o
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  (801): View more from Utah

  That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.

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  (801): That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels. http://tfl.nu/fhyu
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"

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  (402): He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by" http://tfl.nu/24bz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Hamster emergency. Can u come in here

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  (330): Hamster emergency. Can u come in here http://tfl.nu/n98l
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.

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  (215): There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry. http://tfl.nu/7teg
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...

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  (801): He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"... http://tfl.nu/bw0v
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  (817): View more from Texas

  one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."

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  (817): one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog." http://tfl.nu/q8wu
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  (949): View more from California

  What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?

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  (949): What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"? http://tfl.nu/v4r0
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?

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  (774): What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird? http://tfl.nu/2yid
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