Texts From Last Night

mitchee's Favorites Texts:

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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51554) Bad night (2260)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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  (215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt
  Replies (48) Good night (12518) Bad night (1425) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
  Replies (40) Good night (11521) Bad night (1101)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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  (501): Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog. http://tfl.nu/8mg1
  Replies (18) Good night (10015) Bad night (1647) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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  (360): Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?" http://tfl.nu/c0v9
  Replies (13) Good night (8766) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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  (561): you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic http://tfl.nu/jttf
  Replies (44) Good night (8459) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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  (847): ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity http://tfl.nu/nv6r
  Replies (17) Good night (8238) Bad night (1649) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
  Replies (16) Good night (8201) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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  (504): I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES. http://tfl.nu/2zjv
  Replies (37) Good night (7855) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  she told me i tasted like america

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  (206): she told me i tasted like america http://tfl.nu/ed46
  Replies (31) Good night (7726) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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  (540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7501) Bad night (72128)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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  (352): we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark. http://tfl.nu/009s
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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  (416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl
  Replies (23) Good night (7356) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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  (573): just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch (636): Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving? (573): IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation http://tfl.nu/yr3e
  Replies (29) Good night (6889) Bad night (2109)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6766) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
  Replies (175) Good night (6359) Bad night (79712) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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  (619): Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!" http://tfl.nu/5vjf
  Replies (35) Good night (5659) Bad night (8218) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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  (443): My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT http://tfl.nu/f0p2
  Replies (20) Good night (5110) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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  (360): Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up. http://tfl.nu/js3s
  Replies (14) Good night (4974) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'

  (810): View more from Michigan

  needless to say i wont be back home tonight

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  (810): dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?' (810): needless to say i wont be back home tonight http://tfl.nu/wf6u
  Replies (38) Good night (4800) Bad night (458)
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
  Replies (44) Good night (4633) Bad night (8288)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should

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  (609): i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should http://tfl.nu/q5zo
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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  (203): that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/oyv6
  Replies (15) Good night (4248) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  FUCK YOU.

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  (614): Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours... (1-614): FUCK YOU. http://tfl.nu/d4zw
  Replies (69) Good night (4045) Bad night (2621) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..

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  (952): Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day.. http://tfl.nu/4gef
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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  (720): He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim. http://tfl.nu/2u9p
  Replies (8) Good night (3466) Bad night (1094)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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  (215): tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style. http://tfl.nu/z5di
  Replies (11) Good night (3444) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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  (520): I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs. http://tfl.nu/cv5b
  Replies (5) Good night (3420) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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  (757): yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd. http://tfl.nu/nagb
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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  (613): Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious? http://tfl.nu/m4yc
  Replies (11) Good night (3305) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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  (309): We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come? http://tfl.nu/kmdd
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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  (412): He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it. http://tfl.nu/j347
  Replies (7) Good night (2901) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.

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  (614): 2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever. http://tfl.nu/992h
  Replies (15) Good night (2553) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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  (316): Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip. http://tfl.nu/doru
  Replies (12) Good night (2457) Bad night (484)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

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  (508): i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer. http://tfl.nu/bdc9
  Replies (37) Good night (2073) Bad night (698)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.

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  (773): Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys. http://tfl.nu/y8cg
  Replies (2) Good night (2056) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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  (412): THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK http://tfl.nu/h557
  Replies (7) Good night (1987) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
  Replies (14) Good night (1920) Bad night (505)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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  (334): It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls. http://tfl.nu/cfx1
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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  (973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3
  Replies (36) Good night (1834) Bad night (5499) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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  (563): please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death. http://tfl.nu/862e
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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  (701): Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore. http://tfl.nu/9hf8
  Replies (5) Good night (1734) Bad night (484)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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  (404): just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor. http://tfl.nu/8ie3
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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  (608): i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex http://tfl.nu/mh19
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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  (413): you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006. http://tfl.nu/ojn9
  Replies (8) Good night (1465) Bad night (4695)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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  (574): You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing... http://tfl.nu/ux4f
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's shedding

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  I told you penises don't tan

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  (912): It's shedding (1-912): I told you penises don't tan http://tfl.nu/7fx9
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  No awkward lesbian experiences without me

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  (343): No awkward lesbian experiences without me http://tfl.nu/e0c3
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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  (216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b
  Replies (14) Good night (1202) Bad night (4132) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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  (508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  it wasn't lemon gatorade

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  (703): it wasn't lemon gatorade http://tfl.nu/yeyb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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  (513): god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is" http://tfl.nu/c0jq
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  (925): View more from California

  She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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  (925): She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again. http://tfl.nu/nmj5
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  (845): View more from New York

  Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.

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  (845): Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes. http://tfl.nu/5scb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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  (303): It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac. http://tfl.nu/tpbw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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  (330): Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it. http://tfl.nu/tfef
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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  (615): it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex.. http://tfl.nu/6q5t
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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  (319): he asked me to smell his eyeballs. http://tfl.nu/b2rr
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.

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  (440): Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them. http://tfl.nu/0bl8
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Run away.

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  (403): She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian. (403): Run away. http://tfl.nu/pkbx
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?

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  (203): I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me? http://tfl.nu/jc3e
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...

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  (804): So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them... http://tfl.nu/vyz1
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

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  (501): Turns out vomit takes off spray tan. http://tfl.nu/8hd7
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor

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  (480): naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor http://tfl.nu/fgya
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