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i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
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