Texts From Last Night

funzo's Favorites Texts:

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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
  Replies (20) Good night (11266) Bad night (1222) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4578) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Things like this can't be explained over text man

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  (678): Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning? (404): Things like this can't be explained over text man http://tfl.nu/zzxh
  Replies (22) Good night (4246) Bad night (1006)
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  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
  Replies (17) Good night (4244) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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  (484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive. http://tfl.nu/gosk
  Replies (4) Good night (4185) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
  Replies (21) Good night (4138) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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  (410): We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off. http://tfl.nu/hhrd
  Replies (26) Good night (4043) Bad night (395)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
  Replies (18) Good night (4007) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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  (519): we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/bwa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3974) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (3821) Bad night (682)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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  (775): He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless http://tfl.nu/uuhp
  Replies (18) Good night (3733) Bad night (449)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
  Replies (18) Good night (3595) Bad night (531)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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  (302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3
  Replies (11) Good night (3552) Bad night (490)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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  (352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again" http://tfl.nu/25pr
  Replies (6) Good night (3514) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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  (724): Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me. http://tfl.nu/rflf
  Replies (10) Good night (3498) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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  (248): No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut. http://tfl.nu/0bwj
  Replies (26) Good night (3497) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
  Replies (13) Good night (3493) Bad night (433) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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  (617): A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck? http://tfl.nu/zk7d
  Replies (13) Good night (3450) Bad night (533)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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  (715): I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT. http://tfl.nu/2ujd
  Replies (27) Good night (3259) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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  (661): Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head. http://tfl.nu/dct5
  Replies (12) Good night (3141) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

  (503): View more from Oregon

  ... That's a shower caddy.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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  (541): You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever! (503): ... That's a shower caddy. (541): I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation. http://tfl.nu/svbx
  Replies (11) Good night (3105) Bad night (461)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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  (605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet. http://tfl.nu/kmib
  Replies (12) Good night (3005) Bad night (251)
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  (212): View more from New York

  how are things with the new girl?

  (917): View more from New York City

  good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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  (212): how are things with the new girl? (917): good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked http://tfl.nu/oe1i
  Replies (6) Good night (2943) Bad night (717)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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  (813): People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits? http://tfl.nu/du6g
  Replies (6) Good night (2940) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  I thought I could.

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  (623): You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!' (1-623): I thought I could. http://tfl.nu/l4oh
  Replies (4) Good night (2889) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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  (604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS http://tfl.nu/2yyy
  Replies (5) Good night (2863) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (2801) Bad night (254)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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  (419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit http://tfl.nu/q27h
  Replies (16) Good night (2792) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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  (912): Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles. (404): STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!! http://tfl.nu/hvx1
  Replies (18) Good night (2722) Bad night (361)
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  (805): View more from California

  So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

  (1-805): View more from California

  Sweet. Did I win?

  (805): View more from California

  Youre hungover arent you?

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  (805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka (1-805): Sweet. Did I win? (805): Youre hungover arent you? http://tfl.nu/l89i
  Replies (4) Good night (2695) Bad night (368)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You're just horny.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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  (401): You're just horny. (1-401): Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps. http://tfl.nu/yzld
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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  (843): What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/4ub5
  Replies (16) Good night (2652) Bad night (642) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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  (775): She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore http://tfl.nu/r45j
  Replies (14) Good night (2647) Bad night (815)
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  (845): View more from New York

  He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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  (845): He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought http://tfl.nu/z4p7
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
  Replies (4) Good night (2611) Bad night (445)
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  (415): View more from California

  my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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  (415): my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked http://tfl.nu/w9k0
  Replies (7) Good night (2561) Bad night (421) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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  (704): Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own. http://tfl.nu/ehgs
  Replies (4) Good night (2474) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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  (573): Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos. http://tfl.nu/hx66
  Replies (18) Good night (2431) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

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  (973): you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs http://tfl.nu/j1c8
  Replies (6) Good night (2388) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Fuck he won the bet

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  (775): He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors (1-775): Fuck he won the bet http://tfl.nu/9wz5
  Replies (18) Good night (2306) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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  (206): As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light. http://tfl.nu/6mx3
  Replies (10) Good night (2301) Bad night (183) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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  (317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me. http://tfl.nu/xee4
  Replies (8) Good night (2300) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

  (585): View more from New York

  Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

  (716): View more from New York

  .......

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm just looking out for you.

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  (716): Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday? (585): Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change. (716): ....... (585): I'm just looking out for you. http://tfl.nu/cj8v
  Replies (16) Good night (2297) Bad night (572)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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  (832): You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you" http://tfl.nu/nnn7
  Replies (1) Good night (2296) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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  (817): I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins. http://tfl.nu/povt
  Replies (8) Good night (2295) Bad night (384) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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  (613): You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast". http://tfl.nu/iqmw
  Replies (11) Good night (2278) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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  (336): I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead. http://tfl.nu/ixs0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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  (301): Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom http://tfl.nu/wuli
  Replies (11) Good night (2261) Bad night (366)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?

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  (402): What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something? http://tfl.nu/b3em
  Replies (16) Good night (2261) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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  (954): damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian http://tfl.nu/u64e
  Replies (6) Good night (2226) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

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  (607): Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night. http://tfl.nu/v41h
  Replies (6) Good night (2221) Bad night (578)
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.

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  (607): I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight. http://tfl.nu/mq74
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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  (904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
  Replies (10) Good night (2165) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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  (778): First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work http://tfl.nu/03ii
  Replies (12) Good night (2165) Bad night (266)
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  (914): View more from New York

  He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

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  (914): He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will. http://tfl.nu/096i
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  did she buy you pizza?

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  (610): the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around. (215): did she buy you pizza? http://tfl.nu/k5jd
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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  (202): Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up? http://tfl.nu/celn
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

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  (563): I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan. http://tfl.nu/gr04
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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  (519): Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy" http://tfl.nu/ca96
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  (407): View more from Florida

  She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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  (407): She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy http://tfl.nu/3ht2
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

  (1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Totally acceptable.

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  (832): I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro. (1-832): Totally acceptable. http://tfl.nu/y2av
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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  (812): I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ijx1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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  (512): I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited. http://tfl.nu/hhhk
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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  (715): I haven't seen her in ages, how is she? (651): Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better http://tfl.nu/q7yr
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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  (412): I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok http://tfl.nu/vgre
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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  (870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious http://tfl.nu/hhr4
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

  (1-903): View more from Texas

  Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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  (903): Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night. (1-903): Dude I've been in FL since Monday. http://tfl.nu/crr9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  this is the second day in a row.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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  (330): I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza. (216): this is the second day in a row. (330): Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then. http://tfl.nu/tsfk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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  (978): We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment. http://tfl.nu/8gpy
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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  (801): Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month. http://tfl.nu/irqs
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad

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  (850): I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad http://tfl.nu/g5mj
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

  (1-231): View more from Michigan

  we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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  (231): whats our policy on dating high schoolers? (1-231): we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does http://tfl.nu/ul27
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Sunday is the day of rest.

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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  (857): Sunday is the day of rest. (857): As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest. http://tfl.nu/lma5
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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  (678): This is the weirdest negotiation ever. (814): This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue. http://tfl.nu/rt97
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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  (567): i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand http://tfl.nu/mvlp
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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  (517): winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito. http://tfl.nu/1g88
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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  (517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you http://tfl.nu/rkbn
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  (88): View more from

  As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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  (88): As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice. http://tfl.nu/ji6g
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
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  (607): View more from New York

  I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

  (1-607): View more from New York

  Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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  (607): I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid. (1-607): Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late. http://tfl.nu/e8gd
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

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  (248): New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together. http://tfl.nu/5v90
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  (310): View more from California

  Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

  (626): View more from California

  That's two questions.

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  (310): Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away? (626): That's two questions. http://tfl.nu/0koe
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  (914): View more from New York

  Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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  (914): Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket. http://tfl.nu/amsn
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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  (778): She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/9heo
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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  (270): My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50" http://tfl.nu/q36v
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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  (931): He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you http://tfl.nu/kuvj
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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  (302): Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad http://tfl.nu/cr01
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times

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  (303): It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times http://tfl.nu/7i49
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?

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  (503): In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right? http://tfl.nu/gih8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

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  (512): You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid." http://tfl.nu/wv53
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

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  (603): Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night http://tfl.nu/dak1
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

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  (515): Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number. http://tfl.nu/1xqc
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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  (701): I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one. http://tfl.nu/n8z9
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?

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  (507): Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth? http://tfl.nu/1qlq
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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  (601): No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911. http://tfl.nu/s9ui
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  (650): View more from California

  I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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  (650): I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun" http://tfl.nu/k4ww
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this

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  (413): I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this http://tfl.nu/znqy
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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  (613): Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you? http://tfl.nu/o3d1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...

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  (630): They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock... http://tfl.nu/p7g4
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  (801): View more from Utah

  NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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  (801): NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him http://tfl.nu/eloy
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.

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  (412): We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck. http://tfl.nu/ep1e
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision

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  (712): Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision http://tfl.nu/by7d
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I feel strange, like something is off with my body

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

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  (604): I feel strange, like something is off with my body (1-604): Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days http://tfl.nu/yx6p
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  (831): View more from California

  I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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  (831): I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick. http://tfl.nu/d0cr
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  (916): View more from California

  Yep. How's your hangover?

  (1-916): View more from California

  It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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  (916): Yep. How's your hangover? (1-916): It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me. http://tfl.nu/bn8s
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Dude that's a hat trick!

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.

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  (616): Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs. (1-616): Dude that's a hat trick! (616): I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out. http://tfl.nu/g50u
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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  (910): Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome! (1-910): No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?! http://tfl.nu/r3ev
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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  (318): A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?" http://tfl.nu/oinl
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  (310): View more from California

  Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12

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  (310): Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12 http://tfl.nu/ovmd
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i think i might be a female sloth

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  (617): female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away (781): i think i might be a female sloth http://tfl.nu/d8fr
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.

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  (720): hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now. http://tfl.nu/pc1n
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

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  (215): they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness http://tfl.nu/sk3k
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  where are you?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick

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  (816): where are you? (1-816): talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick http://tfl.nu/w2ig
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  (949): View more from California

  I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

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  (949): I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice http://tfl.nu/cwbs
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

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  (+27): Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast http://tfl.nu/wh5g
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  (626): View more from California

  Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.

  (1-626): View more from California

  This is why you don't have nice things.

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  (626): Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread. (1-626): This is why you don't have nice things. http://tfl.nu/swqp
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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  (970): I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life. http://tfl.nu/eqcg
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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  (360): I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance. (1-360): It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot. http://tfl.nu/be8l
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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  (781): THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR http://tfl.nu/6l4g
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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  (928): Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week. http://tfl.nu/3dmv
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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  (780): If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML http://tfl.nu/m3i8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

  (740): View more from Ohio

  BECAUSE SCIENCE

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  (440): WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS (740): BECAUSE SCIENCE http://tfl.nu/5ndo
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

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  (925): I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off. http://tfl.nu/d0dp
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.

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  (713): I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it. http://tfl.nu/p4p1
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won

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  (774): Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won http://tfl.nu/tslf
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

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  (704): Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma. http://tfl.nu/71da
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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  (919): Coming to you live from the floor of my office.. http://tfl.nu/0ate
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.

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  (248): I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start. http://tfl.nu/l2qb
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  (650): View more from California

  I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

  (831): View more from California

  I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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  (650): I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up? (831): I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak http://tfl.nu/xa8u
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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  (856): He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority http://tfl.nu/8eu2
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie

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  (717): Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie http://tfl.nu/cc1l
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!

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  (918): It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore! http://tfl.nu/18ia
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.

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  (519): he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint. http://tfl.nu/fup1
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing

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  (312): Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing http://tfl.nu/oxks
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  (716): View more from New York

  I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.

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  (716): I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like. http://tfl.nu/y2at
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"

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  (908): When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!" http://tfl.nu/ui55
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  (914): View more from New York

  How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man

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  (914): How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man http://tfl.nu/szzb
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

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  (306): No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit. http://tfl.nu/ncdk
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage

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  (757): It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage http://tfl.nu/6fy5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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  (937): The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve http://tfl.nu/cdxu
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

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  (573): You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night. http://tfl.nu/alam
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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  (412): the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work http://tfl.nu/2wj1
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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  (212): I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy" http://tfl.nu/3mee
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

  (212): View more from New York

  Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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  (908): My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night (212): Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate http://tfl.nu/bmji
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it

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  (425): I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it http://tfl.nu/rt0o
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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  (775): Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW.... http://tfl.nu/zpmo
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You are a terrible person.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just try to be optimistic...

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  (763): I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless. (651): You are a terrible person. (763): I just try to be optimistic... http://tfl.nu/01d9
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  (312): We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/tvg3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.

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  (850): I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute. http://tfl.nu/idmm
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home

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  (250): not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home http://tfl.nu/i7w6
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see

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  (973): Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see http://tfl.nu/gnrw
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  (310): View more from California

  True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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  (310): True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant? http://tfl.nu/aiag
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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  (865): God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter. http://tfl.nu/mtk4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.

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  (202): Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT. http://tfl.nu/f3qw
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car

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  (803): Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car http://tfl.nu/8fhk
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.

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  (252): She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices. http://tfl.nu/1715
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  (585): View more from New York

  Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together

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  (585): Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together http://tfl.nu/f7yy
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.

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  (248): They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror. http://tfl.nu/3vjx
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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  (231): Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly. http://tfl.nu/dx8m
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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  (254): I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits. http://tfl.nu/syex
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it

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  (774): Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down? (978): I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it http://tfl.nu/io4i
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'

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  (702): Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me' http://tfl.nu/i2h1
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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  (864): Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night? (803): You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away http://tfl.nu/jmsz
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.

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  (417): He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life. http://tfl.nu/zieg
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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  (320): I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years. http://tfl.nu/ge1t
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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  (315): Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time? (540): Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude http://tfl.nu/szgw
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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  (403): Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming http://tfl.nu/n2ay
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.

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  (610): You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not. http://tfl.nu/e39j
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!

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  (208): WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY! http://tfl.nu/ts4x
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

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  (405): Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50? http://tfl.nu/w6wp
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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  (202): I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis http://tfl.nu/lbuu
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.

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  (517): I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard. http://tfl.nu/4gv4
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?

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  (719): Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit? http://tfl.nu/ng8r
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I seemed to have misplaced my pants...

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  (540): Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?.... (1-540): I seemed to have misplaced my pants... http://tfl.nu/s4v6
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  (585): View more from New York

  I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one

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  (585): I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one http://tfl.nu/3p0c
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah. It's not just the beard either.

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  (412): she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe? (609): Yeah. It's not just the beard either. http://tfl.nu/x9o7
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  (435): View more from Utah

  It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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  (435): It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk. http://tfl.nu/lvra
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go

  (319): View more from Iowa

  IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS

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  (906): cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go (319): IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS http://tfl.nu/nt8z
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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  (267): Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her. http://tfl.nu/ywpc
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  (903): View more from Texas

  On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs

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  (903): On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs http://tfl.nu/pggr
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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  (314): I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed. http://tfl.nu/a0tv
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  (+58): View more from

  James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.

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  (+58): James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes. http://tfl.nu/8mur
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  (425): View more from Washington

  My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with

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  (425): My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with http://tfl.nu/lkbr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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  (817): apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon http://tfl.nu/fh3y
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.

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  (702): Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents. http://tfl.nu/6lkq
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.

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  (615): I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza. http://tfl.nu/b1m9
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.

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  (262): Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI. http://tfl.nu/aihj
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time

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  (803): If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time http://tfl.nu/10i6
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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  (712): You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home. http://tfl.nu/2ggi
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.

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  (301): Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one? (1-301): It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem. http://tfl.nu/x27d
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.

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  (814): There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer. http://tfl.nu/un9n
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  (818): View more from California

  You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.

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  (818): You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain. http://tfl.nu/pico
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

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  (512): i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/a4iw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it

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  (480): You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it http://tfl.nu/17sa
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  The pool is covered.....

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Like that would stop me.

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  (781): Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool (1-781): The pool is covered..... (781): Like that would stop me. http://tfl.nu/tch5
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...

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  (828): just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever... http://tfl.nu/nfkk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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  (248): Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball. http://tfl.nu/g33p
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman

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  (484): 'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman http://tfl.nu/trz5
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Real life dumb and dumber

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  (775): It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers (702): Real life dumb and dumber http://tfl.nu/6nu9
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  (813): View more from Florida

  You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team

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  (813): You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team http://tfl.nu/nq8a
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.

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  (708): Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator. http://tfl.nu/0mqk
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  I think that's a new house record

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  (253): I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat (1-253): I think that's a new house record http://tfl.nu/c3oi
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

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  (860): You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face http://tfl.nu/wwpz
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

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  (920): Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!" http://tfl.nu/2v59
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

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  (801): Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment. http://tfl.nu/y6m4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.

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  (443): Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers? (301): Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis. http://tfl.nu/hcxa
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  (315): View more from New York

  how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.

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  (315): how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested. http://tfl.nu/auq3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.

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  (512): You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk. http://tfl.nu/ypfw
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  (727): View more from Florida

  He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.

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  (727): He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life. http://tfl.nu/pdok
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.

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  (843): I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done. http://tfl.nu/68sv
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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  (419): The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever http://tfl.nu/s7ex
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......

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  (313): She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut....... http://tfl.nu/dh75
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  (707): View more from California

  Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.

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  (707): Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point. http://tfl.nu/74cc
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  (530): View more from California

  that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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  (530): that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own. http://tfl.nu/8cpw
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  (561): View more from Florida

  am i new drunk or am i still drunk

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  (561): am i new drunk or am i still drunk http://tfl.nu/zvnj
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  (315): View more from New York

  Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought

  (1-315): View more from New York

  Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss

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  (315): Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought (1-315): Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss http://tfl.nu/2a6b
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.

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  (309): Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks. http://tfl.nu/tka4
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  (516): View more from New York

  Come through the front door when you get here.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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  (516): Come through the front door when you get here. (1-516): Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window. http://tfl.nu/uers
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave

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  (608): I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave http://tfl.nu/hose
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  (585): View more from New York

  Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.

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  (585): Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings. http://tfl.nu/zv1f
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.

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  (517): Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up. http://tfl.nu/ansq
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.

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  (214): Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed. http://tfl.nu/czkr
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

  (301): View more from Maryland

  That wasn't a compliment.

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  (202): She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal." (301): That wasn't a compliment. http://tfl.nu/gg7a
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass

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  (775): You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass http://tfl.nu/qd0r
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...

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  (407): Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school... http://tfl.nu/m7rc
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...

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  (702): there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya... http://tfl.nu/edke
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.

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  (540): Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too. http://tfl.nu/nqk1
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  (716): View more from New York

  he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."

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  (716): he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...." http://tfl.nu/2b45
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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  (802): as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment http://tfl.nu/bym2
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"

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  (814): I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!" http://tfl.nu/71ex
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.

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  (973): Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me. http://tfl.nu/gl2k
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.

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  (+27): Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on. http://tfl.nu/4hb1
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.

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  (906): Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22. http://tfl.nu/rw17
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.

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  (614): I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower. http://tfl.nu/c26q
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really

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  (806): I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really http://tfl.nu/rgm5
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had

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  (905): I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had http://tfl.nu/i6b3
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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  (202): There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1. http://tfl.nu/62gt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops

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  (519): I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops http://tfl.nu/3fz9
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.

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  (314): So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better. http://tfl.nu/6bjm
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.

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  (812): Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night. http://tfl.nu/i4xm
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke

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  (206): You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke http://tfl.nu/er3q
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  (619): View more from California

  I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!

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  (619): I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends! http://tfl.nu/6jqq
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.

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  (603): I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar. http://tfl.nu/vit3
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm

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  (416): also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm http://tfl.nu/isvl
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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  (701): If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs. http://tfl.nu/qa5n
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.

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  (262): You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days. http://tfl.nu/ufco
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.

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  (701): You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool. http://tfl.nu/2eh0
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  (546): View more from

  As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.

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  (546): As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever. http://tfl.nu/al3c
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  (707): View more from California

  My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?

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  (707): My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day? http://tfl.nu/zsu8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.

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  (847): Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party. http://tfl.nu/n2f5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  ...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"

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  (651): ...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/5vg0
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it

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  (514): dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it http://tfl.nu/9328
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.

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  (513): Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect. http://tfl.nu/ksxu
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.

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  (+44): If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned. http://tfl.nu/qyit
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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  (202): I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part. http://tfl.nu/p8tj
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.

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  (+61): I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that. http://tfl.nu/nlmq
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....

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  (618): My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why.... http://tfl.nu/ypyl
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

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  (734): You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them. http://tfl.nu/p5zk
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