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seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
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