Texts From Last Night

ampm2000's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168227) Bad night (42146) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142124) Bad night (9307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112189) Bad night (9721) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73365) Bad night (2463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
  Replies (53) Good night (72031) Bad night (2120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60831) Bad night (1887) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51678) Bad night (2730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51555) Bad night (2260)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
  Replies (182) Good night (51510) Bad night (1867)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
  Replies (110) Good night (45971) Bad night (2479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
  Replies (124) Good night (42318) Bad night (1224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
  Replies (82) Good night (39571) Bad night (1944)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
  Replies (76) Good night (38307) Bad night (1648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
  Replies (97) Good night (31996) Bad night (1150) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (56) Good night (30089) Bad night (1408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
  Replies (47) Good night (28635) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27825) Bad night (1799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26864) Bad night (4286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
  Replies (61) Good night (26573) Bad night (1201)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
  Replies (78) Good night (25775) Bad night (2948) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
  Replies (71) Good night (25737) Bad night (1206) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (25455) Bad night (1340)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
  Replies (45) Good night (25444) Bad night (1098) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
  Replies (45) Good night (23017) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
  Replies (83) Good night (22240) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
  Replies (91) Good night (21444) Bad night (2995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight http://tfl.nu/znt4
  Replies (27) Good night (6352) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/8e5m
  Replies (11) Good night (6160) Bad night (1369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar. http://tfl.nu/cp66
  Replies (10) Good night (6067) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella http://tfl.nu/sjyh
  Replies (34) Good night (6060) Bad night (2018) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places http://tfl.nu/q4g8
  Replies (7) Good night (5398) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking. http://tfl.nu/t4jf
  Replies (11) Good night (4780) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Found more tequila

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair (573): Found more tequila http://tfl.nu/cg6k
  Replies (9) Good night (4464) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/k2zc
  Replies (13) Good night (3273) Bad night (1003) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco http://tfl.nu/xqa3
  Replies (9) Good night (3092) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP. http://tfl.nu/nipi
  Replies (11) Good night (2988) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob. (604): And by one day I mean once every two weeks. http://tfl.nu/w0wa
  Replies (14) Good night (2874) Bad night (523)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2757) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  oh my god i'm in a crawl space

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): oh my god i'm in a crawl space http://tfl.nu/mjlz
  Replies (16) Good night (2607) Bad night (1189) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
  Replies (11) Good night (2545) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now. http://tfl.nu/89m6
  Replies (5) Good night (2528) Bad night (317)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever http://tfl.nu/y8hk
  Replies (29) Good night (2470) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are. http://tfl.nu/5ybn
  Replies (11) Good night (2443) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows. http://tfl.nu/xsuo
  Replies (7) Good night (2278) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (627): View more from California

  Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (627): Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time. http://tfl.nu/xynl
  Replies (7) Good night (2200) Bad night (290)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Outside

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already (1-202): Outside http://tfl.nu/rkll
  Replies (16) Good night (2121) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it http://tfl.nu/0g6v
  Replies (4) Good night (2002) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
  Replies (26) Good night (1944) Bad night (1988) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito. http://tfl.nu/1g88
  Replies (15) Good night (1827) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/8fl0
  Replies (7) Good night (1724) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house? (647): Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me. http://tfl.nu/yck0
  Replies (4) Good night (1628) Bad night (171)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me. http://tfl.nu/pw4l
  Replies (8) Good night (1611) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex (216): Never mind I found pizza just bring sex http://tfl.nu/1kkn
  Replies (4) Good night (1586) Bad night (370)
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  ... and if i was..

  (213): View more from California

  Fuck. You.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten. (201): ... and if i was.. (213): Fuck. You. http://tfl.nu/ty6i
  Replies (5) Good night (1520) Bad night (289)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Tuesday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you... (860): Tuesday http://tfl.nu/gel8
  Replies (4) Good night (1517) Bad night (213)
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work. http://tfl.nu/3b5u
  Replies (8) Good night (1423) Bad night (325)
• Favorite

  (607): View more from New York

  you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (607): you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland." http://tfl.nu/m13s
  Replies (7) Good night (1397) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things. http://tfl.nu/cr6r
  Replies (4) Good night (1359) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): You is good. You is important. You is a slut. http://tfl.nu/0cr6
  Replies (8) Good night (1335) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I didn't notice because vodka

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I didn't notice because vodka http://tfl.nu/t52z
  Replies (3) Good night (1312) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T. http://tfl.nu/y888
  Replies (4) Good night (1298) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You left wolverine marks

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): You left wolverine marks (1-910): I'm somewhere between sorry and proud http://tfl.nu/d8w1
  Replies (2) Good night (1293) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?" http://tfl.nu/z8zt
  Replies (2) Good night (1271) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Fuhga

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Thank you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive. (905): Fuhga (250): Thank you. http://tfl.nu/3pok
  Replies (3) Good night (1262) Bad night (468)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out http://tfl.nu/mgiw
  Replies (9) Good night (1252) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick. http://tfl.nu/06qn
  Replies (6) Good night (1251) Bad night (370)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it. http://tfl.nu/p4p1
  Replies (9) Good night (1244) Bad night (329)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care http://tfl.nu/shwc
  Replies (1) Good night (1188) Bad night (206) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it. http://tfl.nu/rbw2
  Replies (4) Good night (1183) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night. http://tfl.nu/alam
  Replies (6) Good night (1077) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger. http://tfl.nu/77lj
  Replies (5) Good night (1052) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished? http://tfl.nu/q6tp
  Replies (3) Good night (1037) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/tvg3
  Replies (7) Good night (1023) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos. http://tfl.nu/cwl9
  Replies (3) Good night (986) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter? http://tfl.nu/jufp
  Replies (7) Good night (918) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten http://tfl.nu/vxzl
  Replies (2) Good night (918) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe" http://tfl.nu/u8zn
  Replies (3) Good night (898) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it. http://tfl.nu/j8q4
  Replies (1) Good night (851) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird? http://tfl.nu/8vw8
  Replies (7) Good night (775) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came. http://tfl.nu/1nw4
  Replies (8) Good night (774) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing http://tfl.nu/5qyn
  Replies (11) Good night (758) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it http://tfl.nu/6pfl
  Replies (4) Good night (745) Bad night (198) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I think he's speaking German to me now

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I think he's speaking German to me now (519): Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly http://tfl.nu/dbru
  Replies (1) Good night (733) Bad night (185)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer. http://tfl.nu/rbji
  Replies (0) Good night (696) Bad night (142)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time http://tfl.nu/cfap
  Replies (2) Good night (660) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it? http://tfl.nu/wmow
  Replies (1) Good night (648) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er? http://tfl.nu/auy8
  Replies (6) Good night (530) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating http://tfl.nu/zdvr
  Replies (2) Good night (473) Bad night (157) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk http://tfl.nu/wvk1
  Replies (6) Good night (406) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night... http://tfl.nu/q37f
  Replies (6) Good night (363) Bad night (922) Order T-Shirt