Texts From Last Night

Beaglehead's Favorites Texts:

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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69191) Bad night (1984) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (349) Good night (55359) Bad night (6456) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
  Replies (87) Good night (24638) Bad night (3945)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (18889) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Walk of Shame time yet?

  (1+44): View more from

  Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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  (+44): Walk of Shame time yet? (1+44): Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling? http://tfl.nu/qcn9
  Replies (44) Good night (17441) Bad night (883)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
  Replies (29) Good night (16260) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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  (425): It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo." http://tfl.nu/u5wa
  Replies (44) Good night (15981) Bad night (801)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
  Replies (40) Good night (15812) Bad night (1734) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
  Replies (155) Good night (15026) Bad night (1415)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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  (708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me. http://tfl.nu/mwnt
  Replies (57) Good night (13743) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
  Replies (160) Good night (12665) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
  Replies (36) Good night (12103) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
  Replies (33) Good night (12004) Bad night (1034)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

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  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
  Replies (36) Good night (11700) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
  Replies (35) Good night (11608) Bad night (1041)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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  (604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k
  Replies (27) Good night (11047) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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  (803): Everybody was literally kung fu fighting http://tfl.nu/75ca
  Replies (33) Good night (10036) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
  Replies (29) Good night (9723) Bad night (734)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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  (425): You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option. http://tfl.nu/ipw1
  Replies (34) Good night (9664) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know what potassium is.

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  (571): You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember? (703): I don't even know what potassium is. http://tfl.nu/wfp6
  Replies (47) Good night (9564) Bad night (672)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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  (613): The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches. http://tfl.nu/uy09
  Replies (29) Good night (9429) Bad night (731)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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  (339): i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet http://tfl.nu/r3gc
  Replies (29) Good night (9389) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Me specifically?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Yep.

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  (903): Today in psych we learned that you are a whore. (1-314): Me specifically? (903): Yep. http://tfl.nu/w818
  Replies (44) Good night (9123) Bad night (803)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
  Replies (12) Good night (9117) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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  (303): I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder. http://tfl.nu/f12p
  Replies (21) Good night (9037) Bad night (1065)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
  Replies (33) Good night (8769) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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  (425): This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference. http://tfl.nu/xg4w
  Replies (51) Good night (8620) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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  (914): i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls. http://tfl.nu/57re
  Replies (23) Good night (7942) Bad night (1240) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
  Replies (256) Good night (7920) Bad night (1995) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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  (630): I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted. http://tfl.nu/87dj
  Replies (84) Good night (7678) Bad night (1184) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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  (604): People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky http://tfl.nu/clbn
  Replies (90) Good night (7651) Bad night (926)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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  (847): i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house. (1-847): that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect. http://tfl.nu/7r4g
  Replies (25) Good night (7544) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
  Replies (21) Good night (7492) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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  (519): I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible. http://tfl.nu/zom5
  Replies (14) Good night (7385) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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  (617): just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil. http://tfl.nu/drc4
  Replies (13) Good night (7099) Bad night (1072)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I understand Curling. That high.

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  (757): I understand Curling. That high. http://tfl.nu/c58u
  Replies (39) Good night (7010) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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  (904): Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada http://tfl.nu/l5wm
  Replies (414) Good night (6925) Bad night (1760) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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  (902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left. http://tfl.nu/ytq9
  Replies (28) Good night (6922) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
  Replies (36) Good night (6742) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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  (678): This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes. http://tfl.nu/jrvg
  Replies (63) Good night (6717) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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  (757): Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town http://tfl.nu/mvuo
  Replies (39) Good night (6485) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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  (703): bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status.. http://tfl.nu/z1m2
  Replies (25) Good night (6469) Bad night (1050) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  wow.

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  (219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02
  Replies (38) Good night (6196) Bad night (2497) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

  (818): View more from California

  Punch her baby.

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  (314): There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me. (818): Punch her baby. http://tfl.nu/ve2m
  Replies (59) Good night (5953) Bad night (660)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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  (901): I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?" http://tfl.nu/efd9
  Replies (24) Good night (5581) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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  (619): Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!" http://tfl.nu/5vjf
  Replies (35) Good night (5442) Bad night (7975) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
  Replies (39) Good night (5262) Bad night (422)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

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  (502): guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct. http://tfl.nu/g5ut
  Replies (48) Good night (5253) Bad night (1943) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

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  (630): Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening. http://tfl.nu/nbt7
  Replies (15) Good night (5158) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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  (732): I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final. http://tfl.nu/j44u
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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  (908): just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep. http://tfl.nu/seq6
  Replies (14) Good night (5050) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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  (301): she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break http://tfl.nu/l0jq
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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  (919): It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk. http://tfl.nu/1top
  Replies (18) Good night (4997) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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  (510): I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK. http://tfl.nu/4l82
  Replies (23) Good night (4977) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!

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  (405): I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh! http://tfl.nu/nhcn
  Replies (43) Good night (4757) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm like cupid

  (1-818): View more from California

  You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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  (818): I'm like cupid (1-818): You're a whore with a bow and arrow http://tfl.nu/a0h0
  Replies (14) Good night (4722) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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  (603): You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!" http://tfl.nu/jokx
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  (805): View more from California

  omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now

  (1-805): View more from California

  he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls

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  (805): omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now (1-805): he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls http://tfl.nu/00r7
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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  (360): He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees http://tfl.nu/gf2k
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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  (715): We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later http://tfl.nu/4xtv
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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  (414): Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her. http://tfl.nu/4z7e
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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  (517): Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity. http://tfl.nu/x1wn
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  whore

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  (440): My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum. (216): whore http://tfl.nu/bo5h
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  it's like iHOP with fire

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  (301): it's like iHOP with fire http://tfl.nu/9idi
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.

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  (240): You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool. http://tfl.nu/7f4d
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  (845): View more from New York

  vagina is talking i cant

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  (845): vagina is talking i cant http://tfl.nu/cyjf
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  (941): View more from Florida

  can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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  (941): can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat? (1-941): idk, I had a turtle in mine. http://tfl.nu/ag7m
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

  (325): View more from Texas

  Because you touch yourself at night.

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  (480): Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working? (325): Because you touch yourself at night. http://tfl.nu/lm5u
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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  (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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  (706): I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song. (1-706): I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina. http://tfl.nu/b2qf
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.

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  (937): I did that thing where I cum for no reason again. http://tfl.nu/vzrl
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  (925): View more from California

  So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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  (925): So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid. http://tfl.nu/x26d
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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  (330): Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket? http://tfl.nu/lptb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.

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  (519): turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm. http://tfl.nu/078y
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I just did the classiest thing ever.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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  (440): I just did the classiest thing ever. (216): last time you said that you got chlamydia. http://tfl.nu/33ag
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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  (847): Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over. http://tfl.nu/gmxm
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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  (757): Just try to lay there and not be pregnant. http://tfl.nu/a665
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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  (908): this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up. http://tfl.nu/ay5l
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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  (703): im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off http://tfl.nu/2ezh
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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  (708): just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay. http://tfl.nu/cdim
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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  (816): I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding. http://tfl.nu/1j8r
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  (386): View more from Florida

  he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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  (386): he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor" http://tfl.nu/h9m9
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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  (781): I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. http://tfl.nu/mkrc
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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  (201): i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed. http://tfl.nu/ojs9
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  (585): View more from New York

  This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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  (585): This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat? http://tfl.nu/3sn0
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  (716): View more from New York

  She's like a pop up book from hell.

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  (716): She's like a pop up book from hell. http://tfl.nu/grf5
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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  (419): I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel. http://tfl.nu/xpce
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid

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  (832): and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid http://tfl.nu/8ij1
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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  (651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at http://tfl.nu/8c2c
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Pussy?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  how

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Wat do u mean how?

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  (248): Pussy? (586): how (248): Wat do u mean how? http://tfl.nu/4yqk
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

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  (330): How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there... http://tfl.nu/bdjq
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