Texts From Last Night

veedubadict's Favorites Texts:

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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
  Replies (27) Good night (778) Bad night (5786) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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  (615): The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face. http://tfl.nu/dqag
  Replies (11) Good night (1064) Bad night (4960) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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  (803): He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b http://tfl.nu/qxl5
  Replies (9) Good night (1285) Bad night (4295) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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  (516): my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall http://tfl.nu/7d2k
  Replies (18) Good night (1616) Bad night (4132) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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  (204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover http://tfl.nu/k1fy
  Replies (8) Good night (1340) Bad night (4003) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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  (920): you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!' http://tfl.nu/st5y
  Replies (23) Good night (3066) Bad night (3827) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.

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  (904): Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight. http://tfl.nu/aofb
  Replies (11) Good night (582) Bad night (3596) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.

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  (315): it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right. http://tfl.nu/vsow
  Replies (10) Good night (978) Bad night (3251) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not

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  (609): I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not http://tfl.nu/tjy5
  Replies (9) Good night (823) Bad night (2932) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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  (845): she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave http://tfl.nu/ylty
  Replies (5) Good night (872) Bad night (2819) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

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  (972): If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works. http://tfl.nu/grey
  Replies (62) Good night (1487) Bad night (2809) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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  (+44): The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me http://tfl.nu/123e
  Replies (6) Good night (1069) Bad night (2807) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
  Replies (79) Good night (15430) Bad night (2678) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.

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  (202): BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work. http://tfl.nu/abpr
  Replies (26) Good night (432) Bad night (2115) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
  Replies (50) Good night (19644) Bad night (1993) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
  Replies (45) Good night (28346) Bad night (1971) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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  (508): ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks http://tfl.nu/ycbx
  Replies (149) Good night (3258) Bad night (1953)
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
  Replies (43) Good night (13816) Bad night (1928) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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  (816): Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it http://tfl.nu/hlut
  Replies (65) Good night (5085) Bad night (1787) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.

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  (313): When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand. http://tfl.nu/rx8e
  Replies (13) Good night (689) Bad night (1669) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
  Replies (51) Good night (24082) Bad night (1572) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
  Replies (18) Good night (912) Bad night (1514)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  dude she's married.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  so? a ring don't cover no holes.

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  (269): dude she's married. (1-269): so? a ring don't cover no holes. http://tfl.nu/8xdg
  Replies (42) Good night (4937) Bad night (1441) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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  (403): Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed. http://tfl.nu/yrbs
  Replies (7) Good night (810) Bad night (1414) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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  (402): Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today. http://tfl.nu/vn4s
  Replies (5) Good night (1929) Bad night (1261) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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  (978): This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students. http://tfl.nu/2o57
  Replies (8) Good night (2730) Bad night (1225) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (28) Good night (16332) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.

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  (954): I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else. http://tfl.nu/idx6
  Replies (14) Good night (2307) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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  (320): I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years. http://tfl.nu/ge1t
  Replies (2) Good night (900) Bad night (1155) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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  (978): The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous http://tfl.nu/iens
  Replies (15) Good night (5212) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
  Replies (16) Good night (6126) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?

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  (404): Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders? http://tfl.nu/hbxh
  Replies (2) Good night (252) Bad night (1041)
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  (760): View more from California

  I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.

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  (760): I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free. http://tfl.nu/mdao
  Replies (7) Good night (2984) Bad night (1021)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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  (423): drunk tastebuds have low standards. http://tfl.nu/mx1k
  Replies (6) Good night (3614) Bad night (972) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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  (304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo
  Replies (34) Good night (7325) Bad night (924) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

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  (253): The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case. http://tfl.nu/nkd8
  Replies (2) Good night (2008) Bad night (920)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
  Replies (16) Good night (9986) Bad night (918) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.

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  (303): I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment. http://tfl.nu/lu2o
  Replies (11) Good night (3462) Bad night (908) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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  (253): Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style. http://tfl.nu/lnre
  Replies (30) Good night (10660) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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  (214): The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become http://tfl.nu/8je0
  Replies (6) Good night (2763) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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  (210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy. http://tfl.nu/fwj0
  Replies (53) Good night (6201) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
  Replies (26) Good night (6212) Bad night (846)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list

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  (301): This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list http://tfl.nu/qiye
  Replies (14) Good night (4339) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final

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  (607): flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final http://tfl.nu/3a2h
  Replies (11) Good night (5117) Bad night (839) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.

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  (650): I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed. http://tfl.nu/f3bu
  Replies (14) Good night (4627) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
  Replies (20) Good night (7990) Bad night (811)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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  (914): I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot. http://tfl.nu/n3sv
  Replies (7) Good night (3874) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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  (575): So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation? http://tfl.nu/oofw
  Replies (17) Good night (5634) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner

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  (954): and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner http://tfl.nu/ab93
  Replies (15) Good night (1232) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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  (603): Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa (603): I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel... http://tfl.nu/ns98
  Replies (11) Good night (3202) Bad night (786)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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  (202): This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point. http://tfl.nu/l1mt
  Replies (10) Good night (2370) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive

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  (571): I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive http://tfl.nu/mms9
  Replies (10) Good night (5143) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.

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  (414): Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover. http://tfl.nu/mgun
  Replies (4) Good night (2919) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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  (603): i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking http://tfl.nu/kntc
  Replies (17) Good night (5208) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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  (816): Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again http://tfl.nu/gicy
  Replies (6) Good night (3312) Bad night (738) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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  (410): YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me. http://tfl.nu/lzgg
  Replies (4) Good night (1877) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
  Replies (13) Good night (4393) Bad night (688)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.

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  (678): If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class. http://tfl.nu/m667
  Replies (20) Good night (4262) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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  (813): Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message. http://tfl.nu/p8es
  Replies (22) Good night (5396) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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  (360): is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect? (503): Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam? http://tfl.nu/p9dl
  Replies (71) Good night (6322) Bad night (616)
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  (619): View more from California

  Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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  (619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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  (206): Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :) http://tfl.nu/j8zz
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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  (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up? http://tfl.nu/08g9
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  (949): View more from California

  You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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  (949): You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon! http://tfl.nu/33kf
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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  (716): I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine. http://tfl.nu/zg3z
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  (845): View more from New York

  Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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  (845): Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches." http://tfl.nu/j5or
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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  (618): This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money. http://tfl.nu/bov0
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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  (775): If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you. http://tfl.nu/tyav
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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  (574): Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things. http://tfl.nu/zj1a
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.

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  (412): Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with. http://tfl.nu/nobk
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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  (804): Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive http://tfl.nu/45br
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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  (541): Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face http://tfl.nu/zdd8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

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  (774): This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey http://tfl.nu/q901
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

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  (502): Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack http://tfl.nu/0ld5
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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  (859): will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour http://tfl.nu/165f
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.

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  (603): I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/hfvn
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  (760): View more from California

  But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

  (530): View more from California

  I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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  (760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy (530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast http://tfl.nu/lbbf
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!

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  (604): Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon! http://tfl.nu/zzxk
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  (518): View more from New York

  Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.

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  (518): Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk. http://tfl.nu/lrcf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

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  (630): its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it http://tfl.nu/8bew
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

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  (850): Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list. http://tfl.nu/5auq
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  (650): View more from California

  My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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  (650): My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me. http://tfl.nu/zst4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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  (410): That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home. http://tfl.nu/bawg
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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  (859): The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow http://tfl.nu/bjeb
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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  (404): Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center http://tfl.nu/qm46
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?

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  (563): I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor? http://tfl.nu/8nw2
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.

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  (202): Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table. http://tfl.nu/pg5d
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  (310): View more from California

  What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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  (310): What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business. http://tfl.nu/a4r2
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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  (402): Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight? http://tfl.nu/u33p
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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  (815): Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?" http://tfl.nu/0929
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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  (+44): Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face. http://tfl.nu/j54i
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me

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  (614): Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me http://tfl.nu/x6xk
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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  (215): He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen" http://tfl.nu/8546
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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  (780): If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML http://tfl.nu/m3i8
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  (646): View more from New York

  I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.

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  (646): I bet his dick wears a tuxedo. http://tfl.nu/b7e4
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn

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  (615): May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn http://tfl.nu/hucd
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  (207): View more from Maine

  C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!

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  (207): C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!! http://tfl.nu/tb1b
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

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  (740): There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party. http://tfl.nu/ful4
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  (904): View more from Florida

  It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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  (904): It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics http://tfl.nu/x92g
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."

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  (304): Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me." http://tfl.nu/56ma
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  (619): View more from California

  Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich

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  (619): Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich http://tfl.nu/84vp
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Beer acquired. Food is cooking

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio

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  (407): Beer acquired. Food is cooking (1-407): Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio http://tfl.nu/4aqs
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  (646): View more from New York

  Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!

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  (646): Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth! http://tfl.nu/4hup
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  (207): View more from Maine

  It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.

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  (207): It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night. http://tfl.nu/zq29
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.

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  (201): I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me. http://tfl.nu/s5ef
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  (914): View more from New York

  THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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  (914): THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED http://tfl.nu/eqdp
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  (562): View more from California

  It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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  (562): It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which. http://tfl.nu/ynpd
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Were you drinking last night?

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.

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  (320): Were you drinking last night? (320): Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety. http://tfl.nu/r4i0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  An artistic expression of her stupidity.

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  (919): what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding? (1-919): An artistic expression of her stupidity. http://tfl.nu/majp
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