Texts From Last Night

rosiegirl's Favorites Texts:

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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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  (440): i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky. http://tfl.nu/4mz4
  Replies (263) Good night (2499) Bad night (27239) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
  Replies (86) Good night (2992) Bad night (15042)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
  Replies (148) Good night (3415) Bad night (12212) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
  Replies (116) Good night (6333) Bad night (11964)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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  (828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq
  Replies (48) Good night (1232) Bad night (9622) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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  (936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77
  Replies (33) Good night (1121) Bad night (8471) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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  (817): you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit. http://tfl.nu/6hvl
  Replies (30) Good night (953) Bad night (8419) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
  Replies (37) Good night (1990) Bad night (7849)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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  (262): Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now http://tfl.nu/184c
  Replies (45) Good night (1285) Bad night (7822) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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  (519): Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm... http://tfl.nu/v0t6
  Replies (21) Good night (1039) Bad night (7660) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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  (412): he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night. http://tfl.nu/6lcj
  Replies (39) Good night (1228) Bad night (7532) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
  Replies (41) Good night (4453) Bad night (7262) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
  Replies (434) Good night (55032) Bad night (6449) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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  (860): And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that http://tfl.nu/ubil
  Replies (37) Good night (2191) Bad night (6404) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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  (785): Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him http://tfl.nu/x0sm
  Replies (31) Good night (1427) Bad night (6266) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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  (313): so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT. http://tfl.nu/lt7f
  Replies (27) Good night (1031) Bad night (6065)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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  (816): I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this http://tfl.nu/u2zv
  Replies (20) Good night (1002) Bad night (5962) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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  (941): Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick. http://tfl.nu/3ndf
  Replies (15) Good night (1588) Bad night (5899) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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  (561): The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy. http://tfl.nu/an4v
  Replies (30) Good night (1748) Bad night (5892) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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  (716): just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that. http://tfl.nu/r8dq
  Replies (22) Good night (1672) Bad night (5704)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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  (614): I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon. http://tfl.nu/njuz
  Replies (34) Good night (2333) Bad night (5528) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  and...?

  (936): View more from Texas

  I told him it was alright.

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  (936): he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him. (812): and...? (936): I told him it was alright. http://tfl.nu/yirn
  Replies (28) Good night (3798) Bad night (5506)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
  Replies (70) Good night (13053) Bad night (5300)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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  (256): I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck. http://tfl.nu/xyly
  Replies (15) Good night (934) Bad night (5141) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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  (704): She brought up feelings... her days are numbered http://tfl.nu/9lng
  Replies (19) Good night (1599) Bad night (5123) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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  (732): I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.' http://tfl.nu/iq97
  Replies (27) Good night (1397) Bad night (5091) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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  (303): friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension http://tfl.nu/bl0j
  Replies (46) Good night (1619) Bad night (5044) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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  (513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS! http://tfl.nu/o380
  Replies (49) Good night (3065) Bad night (5032) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

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  (404): dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad? http://tfl.nu/i6v0
  Replies (23) Good night (1114) Bad night (4897) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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  (949): Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way http://tfl.nu/t96w
  Replies (31) Good night (1689) Bad night (4747) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

  (347): View more from New York

  I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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  (917): Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement. (347): I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy. http://tfl.nu/2bcu
  Replies (14) Good night (1014) Bad night (4735)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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  (416): I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations http://tfl.nu/ujgo
  Replies (13) Good night (894) Bad night (4657) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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  (815): I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it http://tfl.nu/no3b
  Replies (14) Good night (1683) Bad night (4583) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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  (604): his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed http://tfl.nu/zsvf
  Replies (20) Good night (977) Bad night (4543) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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  (516): I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy. http://tfl.nu/zkq5
  Replies (24) Good night (2054) Bad night (4452) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26938) Bad night (4311) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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  (617): what date should I let him know how fucked up I am? http://tfl.nu/6aws
  Replies (17) Good night (1159) Bad night (4068) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.

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  (320): For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates. http://tfl.nu/jze3
  Replies (19) Good night (1327) Bad night (3963) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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  (208): this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this http://tfl.nu/vlz9
  Replies (15) Good night (1004) Bad night (3937) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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  (603): I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me... http://tfl.nu/t4o6
  Replies (22) Good night (1131) Bad night (3703) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.

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  (410): He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college. http://tfl.nu/mdh1
  Replies (25) Good night (1063) Bad night (3664) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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  (703): the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression http://tfl.nu/ti0p
  Replies (30) Good night (1088) Bad night (3661) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

  (1-312): View more from Illinois

  None of that is ok.

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  (312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r
  Replies (38) Good night (5413) Bad night (3580)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
  Replies (41) Good night (9286) Bad night (3191) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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  (808): You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him. http://tfl.nu/k2hw
  Replies (27) Good night (1467) Bad night (3115) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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  (508): I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long. http://tfl.nu/opva
  Replies (15) Good night (1360) Bad night (2773) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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  (914): We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial. http://tfl.nu/6p87
  Replies (49) Good night (6345) Bad night (2727) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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  (765): He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder. http://tfl.nu/7khc
  Replies (81) Good night (16598) Bad night (2608) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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  (214): Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada. http://tfl.nu/cunl
  Replies (200) Good night (7937) Bad night (2481)
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  (650): View more from California

  Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?

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  (650): Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user? http://tfl.nu/ik2g
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.

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  (864): Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw. http://tfl.nu/6c9n
  Replies (21) Good night (3355) Bad night (2361) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?

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  (512): HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter? http://tfl.nu/9l91
  Replies (22) Good night (452) Bad night (2311)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
  Replies (30) Good night (9635) Bad night (2096) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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  (864): We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian. http://tfl.nu/x5ta
  Replies (18) Good night (6987) Bad night (2060)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Good morning to you

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  (203): Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday? (1-203): Good morning to you http://tfl.nu/rc7c
  Replies (12) Good night (4779) Bad night (2033) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
  Replies (27) Good night (13376) Bad night (1983)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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  (732): there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts. http://tfl.nu/wlt6
  Replies (48) Good night (7507) Bad night (1972) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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  (210): happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal. http://tfl.nu/4nij
  Replies (49) Good night (7260) Bad night (1900) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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  (904): I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea. http://tfl.nu/bxd6
  Replies (20) Good night (2855) Bad night (1796) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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  (404): Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore. http://tfl.nu/eu8g
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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  (864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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  (214): she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm http://tfl.nu/qx0o
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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  (617): We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in? http://tfl.nu/ejnj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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  (708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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  (609): Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand. http://tfl.nu/nkg8
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  (917): View more from New York City

  And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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  (917): And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating. http://tfl.nu/qged
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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  (647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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  (847): Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator. http://tfl.nu/lq0c
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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  (757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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  (+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other. http://tfl.nu/nigv
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.

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  (503): I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me. http://tfl.nu/a7z0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again

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  (318): her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again http://tfl.nu/8jzt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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  (203): We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad? http://tfl.nu/ilwk
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  (281): View more from Texas

  All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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  (281): All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems". http://tfl.nu/zcya
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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  (267): she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon. http://tfl.nu/y6s2
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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  (978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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  (506): I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision. http://tfl.nu/nkkw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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  (410): There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/a558
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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  (207): Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/f26o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  bc i get to see you. naked.

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  (203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.

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  (443): I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again. http://tfl.nu/jzey
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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  (602): so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes. http://tfl.nu/egav
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

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  (614): I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society http://tfl.nu/ns4r
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  (714): View more from California

  Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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  (714): Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are. http://tfl.nu/u4g1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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  (207): Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices http://tfl.nu/clic
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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  (678): his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him. http://tfl.nu/quex
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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  (410): what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"? http://tfl.nu/vaok
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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  (908): there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time (732): no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution. http://tfl.nu/6mq6
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  (818): View more from California

  Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

  (818): View more from California

  And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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  (818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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  (973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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  (+44): Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x http://tfl.nu/rt6u
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  (813): View more from Florida

  my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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  (813): my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me http://tfl.nu/uytx
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.

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  (573): officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street. http://tfl.nu/ajuf
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  (516): View more from New York

  I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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  (516): I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay. http://tfl.nu/nx25
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

  (1-678): View more from Georgia

  630.

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  (678): Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains? (1-678): 630. http://tfl.nu/hncc
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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  (803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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  (201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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  (609): I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something. http://tfl.nu/5sjh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck now we have to have sex

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  What?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  In a bet, need to win

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  (203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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  (248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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  (603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

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  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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  (256): so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart. http://tfl.nu/u8db
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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  (203): She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone http://tfl.nu/bzdp
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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  (267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch? http://tfl.nu/7fe5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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  (720): she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod http://tfl.nu/2sd3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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  (503): Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college. http://tfl.nu/hzqm
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  (212): View more from New York

  It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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  (212): It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/fa0p
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  (661): View more from California

  His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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  (661): His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger http://tfl.nu/nen0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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  (404): look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose http://tfl.nu/df7a
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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  (205): When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life' http://tfl.nu/863e
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  We better fuck soon then

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  (609): I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again. (201): We better fuck soon then http://tfl.nu/yyxr
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  This is why we're friends.

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  (780): If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator. (1-780): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/yp3s
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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  (+44): If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook http://tfl.nu/6gha
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  how else could I explain the last few years

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  (703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills (262): how else could I explain the last few years http://tfl.nu/wfh1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

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  (301): He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired. http://tfl.nu/1pq9
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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  (480): Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions." http://tfl.nu/c9eh
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  (845): View more from New York

  so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

  (845): View more from New York

  i guess it runs in the family.

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  (845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

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  (616): I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me http://tfl.nu/7pn8
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  His hands were made for my vagina.

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  (405): His hands were made for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/uiyy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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  (541): I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god. http://tfl.nu/ci1f
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  (516): View more from New York

  That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

  (516): View more from New York

  Do you have to put it that way?

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  (516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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  (801): we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha http://tfl.nu/k58e
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  (954): View more from Florida

  If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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  (954): If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down. http://tfl.nu/14pp
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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  (256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass. (1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years. (256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that. (1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham. http://tfl.nu/egwd
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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  (267): i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said. http://tfl.nu/hb96
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  (212): View more from New York

  we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady

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  (212): we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady http://tfl.nu/of3l
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