Texts From Last Night

oopsishitagain's Favorites Texts:

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  (573): View more from Missouri

  The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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  (573): The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season http://tfl.nu/ewwq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86082) Bad night (8380)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Did it?

  (806): View more from Texas

  Not as such, no.

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  (806): I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes. (512): Did it? (806): Not as such, no. http://tfl.nu/c480
  Replies (37) Good night (475) Bad night (4441)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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  (518): I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere. http://tfl.nu/r42x
  Replies (13) Good night (1245) Bad night (4346) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese

  (315): View more from New York

  here comes the puke

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  (315): so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese (315): here comes the puke http://tfl.nu/32gj
  Replies (18) Good night (1007) Bad night (4330)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
  Replies (27) Good night (9067) Bad night (3963) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

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  (214): yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning http://tfl.nu/ufvh
  Replies (54) Good night (1873) Bad night (3777) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38420) Bad night (3073)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51698) Bad night (2735) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14308) Bad night (2668) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
  Replies (54) Good night (27307) Bad night (2521) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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  (269): he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing http://tfl.nu/dbp3
  Replies (6) Good night (1190) Bad night (2348) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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  (812): Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/ok5q
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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  (207): She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird. http://tfl.nu/49lo
  Replies (20) Good night (7603) Bad night (1963) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39854) Bad night (1921)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38068) Bad night (1815)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (22299) Bad night (1514)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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  (425): If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower. http://tfl.nu/0936
  Replies (11) Good night (3349) Bad night (1412) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (25466) Bad night (1343)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
  Replies (55) Good night (15895) Bad night (1250)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
  Replies (33) Good night (13032) Bad night (1237) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

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  (305): You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos. http://tfl.nu/9yd3
  Replies (5) Good night (526) Bad night (1178)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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  (519): all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat" http://tfl.nu/ukas
  Replies (14) Good night (4281) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (50) Good night (29876) Bad night (1109)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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  (207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i
  Replies (8) Good night (4536) Bad night (1022) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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  (207): Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them. http://tfl.nu/x39b
  Replies (6) Good night (3057) Bad night (1020) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
  Replies (3) Good night (3888) Bad night (958) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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  (330): You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test. http://tfl.nu/znwq
  Replies (4) Good night (4992) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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  (770): After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me" http://tfl.nu/acul
  Replies (22) Good night (3278) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin

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  (312): If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin http://tfl.nu/83ln
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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  (225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw
  Replies (4) Good night (2415) Bad night (806)
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
  Replies (4) Good night (4749) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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  (404): He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!" http://tfl.nu/kefh
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  (562): View more from California

  you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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  (562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u
  Replies (8) Good night (5379) Bad night (742)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
  Replies (32) Good night (12943) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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  (207): you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom http://tfl.nu/am8n
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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  (606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. http://tfl.nu/ni37
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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  (215): It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it http://tfl.nu/0xgu
  Replies (9) Good night (1663) Bad night (616)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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  (613): You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you. http://tfl.nu/xki1
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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  (908): The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels. http://tfl.nu/nz1k
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"

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  (248): So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal" http://tfl.nu/879f
  Replies (6) Good night (1539) Bad night (560)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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  (417): Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink. http://tfl.nu/412l
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  (352): View more from Florida

  The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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  (352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again" http://tfl.nu/25pr
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