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My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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