Texts From Last Night

deathmetal's Favorites Texts:

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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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  (516): I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen http://tfl.nu/keq8
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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  (618): It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over. http://tfl.nu/n4d4
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  (813): View more from Florida

  One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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  (813): One blow job doesn not make me gay. http://tfl.nu/ismv
  Replies (85) Good night (2556) Bad night (8023) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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  (225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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  (503): My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf http://tfl.nu/5frw
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

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  (815): If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight. http://tfl.nu/9c3v
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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  (843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome? http://tfl.nu/1lt0
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  (631): View more from New York

  You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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  (631): You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it. http://tfl.nu/dj6o
  Replies (19) Good night (1970) Bad night (6323) Order T-Shirt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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  (+64): i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad http://tfl.nu/7gyh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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  (703): Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience. http://tfl.nu/jxin
  Replies (73) Good night (4071) Bad night (6170)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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  (978): Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant. http://tfl.nu/4fg6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.

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  (651): how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts. http://tfl.nu/ixjv
  Replies (634) Good night (4839) Bad night (5778) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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  (561): The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy. http://tfl.nu/an4v
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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  (405): he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever. http://tfl.nu/wct5
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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  (605): He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/s2q9
  Replies (11) Good night (1222) Bad night (5422) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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  (646): He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was. http://tfl.nu/uwpx
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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  (807): he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants http://tfl.nu/ed98
  Replies (12) Good night (1440) Bad night (5340) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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  (940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented. http://tfl.nu/jb6b
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job

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  (860): I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job http://tfl.nu/ok5l
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  (760): View more from California

  i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have

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  (760): i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have http://tfl.nu/ddny
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (52) Good night (757) Bad night (4947)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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  (937): She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life. http://tfl.nu/md1r
  Replies (10) Good night (1413) Bad night (4942) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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  (419): i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face http://tfl.nu/rg2e
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  (805): View more from California

  He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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  (805): He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out. http://tfl.nu/7h8c
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

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  (301): The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend. http://tfl.nu/xomb
  Replies (30) Good night (865) Bad night (4805) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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  (718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise. http://tfl.nu/c0nn
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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  (989): in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/9a80
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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  (248): he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg. http://tfl.nu/hgt4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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  (303): I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep http://tfl.nu/pnlq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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  (801): He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay... http://tfl.nu/tir1
  Replies (20) Good night (1132) Bad night (4391) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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  (775): he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me. http://tfl.nu/rwrr
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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  (405): I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed. http://tfl.nu/abj9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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  (734): How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together? http://tfl.nu/es97
  Replies (63) Good night (1229) Bad night (4230)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.

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  (210): Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16. http://tfl.nu/i5l7
  Replies (20) Good night (808) Bad night (4118) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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  (810): Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there. http://tfl.nu/7hmv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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  (614): I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out. http://tfl.nu/60nc
  Replies (12) Good night (1087) Bad night (4061)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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  (832): I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep. http://tfl.nu/qpw1
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  (949): View more from California

  Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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  (949): Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it? http://tfl.nu/e2vj
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her

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  (540): It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her http://tfl.nu/aiow
  Replies (36) Good night (1359) Bad night (3972)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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  (214): Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned. http://tfl.nu/8xw4
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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  (740): So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes? http://tfl.nu/wyhr
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

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  (615): You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea. http://tfl.nu/dzpq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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  (404): You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal. http://tfl.nu/0da6
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  (949): View more from California

  shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

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  (949): shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do... http://tfl.nu/qae9
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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  (540): What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless? http://tfl.nu/wpih
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.

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  (303): I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van. http://tfl.nu/3fdc
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  (951): View more from California

  Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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  (951): Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries http://tfl.nu/sog5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he said i ruined lesbian porn for him

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  (+44): he said i ruined lesbian porn for him http://tfl.nu/xboc
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  (845): View more from New York

  my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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  (845): my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie http://tfl.nu/7ez3
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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  (267): The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon. http://tfl.nu/yrqs
  Replies (8) Good night (886) Bad night (3536)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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  (403): I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants. http://tfl.nu/wgp8
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

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  (785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both. http://tfl.nu/00se
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.

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  (318): No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair. http://tfl.nu/ztjm
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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  (614): So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date... http://tfl.nu/r091
  Replies (10) Good night (965) Bad night (3477)
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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  (289): Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working http://tfl.nu/bi46
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

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  (815): Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams http://tfl.nu/1l19
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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  (404): Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish. http://tfl.nu/tpdo
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  (435): View more from Utah

  he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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  (435): he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?! http://tfl.nu/3uuq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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  (404): just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor. http://tfl.nu/8ie3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.

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  (613): my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet. http://tfl.nu/v7qv
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

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  (401): All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it. http://tfl.nu/0ldz
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"

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  (804): Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?" http://tfl.nu/agco
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  (818): View more from California

  The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

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  (818): The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs. http://tfl.nu/zk5x
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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  (409): We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men. http://tfl.nu/lrdt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

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  (724): i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here. http://tfl.nu/fq3k
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  (716): View more from New York

  I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?

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  (716): I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle? http://tfl.nu/vxb0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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  (617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54
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  (239): View more from Florida

  gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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  (239): gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me. http://tfl.nu/wt0v
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .

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  (203): he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on . http://tfl.nu/rwb5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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  (937): Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like. http://tfl.nu/1ho6
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.

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  (817): he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes. http://tfl.nu/jo0i
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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  (618): It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days. http://tfl.nu/kqbj
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.

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  (717): I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into. http://tfl.nu/2oug
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.

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  (706): He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation. http://tfl.nu/vr82
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during

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  (541): I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during http://tfl.nu/1ah0
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.

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  (479): He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave. http://tfl.nu/idj5
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..

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  (973): I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends.. http://tfl.nu/k6dk
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  (561): View more from Florida

  He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.

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  (561): He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line. http://tfl.nu/pwiz
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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  (406): He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well... http://tfl.nu/dwtt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He tried peeing out of the sunroof.

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  (847): He tried peeing out of the sunroof. http://tfl.nu/ep38
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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  (502): It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass. http://tfl.nu/hhxz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

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  (314): Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one http://tfl.nu/zke4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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  (612): Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard http://tfl.nu/lrld
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.

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  (410): I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator. http://tfl.nu/m1m0
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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  (937): And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/r7zp
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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  (573): Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it http://tfl.nu/okq1
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  (914): View more from New York

  im gay

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i know

  (914): View more from New York

  yea but for you.

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  (914): im gay (203): i know (914): yea but for you. http://tfl.nu/jbuy
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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  (207): I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over. http://tfl.nu/vji8
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash

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  (570): So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash http://tfl.nu/zmae
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

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  (617): Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal. http://tfl.nu/pm4h
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.

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  (937): Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream. http://tfl.nu/kpop
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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  (724): You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame. http://tfl.nu/zyq0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

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  (248): Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated. http://tfl.nu/1crf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.

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  (313): Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award? (734): She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy. http://tfl.nu/0kwr
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.

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  (440): I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job. http://tfl.nu/xaqo
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.

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  (501): One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/77ib
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.

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  (720): After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards. http://tfl.nu/zyl3
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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  (740): you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking http://tfl.nu/ha4q
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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  (623): its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything.. http://tfl.nu/87ir
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  You raise a valid concern

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  (734): Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point. (586): You raise a valid concern http://tfl.nu/k6mm
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know

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  (785): One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know http://tfl.nu/bbwr
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?

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  (920): did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve? http://tfl.nu/wzep
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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  (918): I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out. http://tfl.nu/s7ox
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?

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  (765): We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic? http://tfl.nu/pmld
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  (408): View more from California

  Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something

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  (408): Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something http://tfl.nu/4301
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

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  (709): It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me. http://tfl.nu/jsip
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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  (303): Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog? http://tfl.nu/kw07
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  (631): View more from New York

  Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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  (631): Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate. http://tfl.nu/qonz
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand

  (816): View more from Missouri

  team rage. no explanation necessary

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  (636): I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand (816): team rage. no explanation necessary http://tfl.nu/mquv
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?

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  (407): Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening? http://tfl.nu/psmr
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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  (860): We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun. http://tfl.nu/8k8b
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  (510): View more from California

  Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

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  (510): Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day. http://tfl.nu/kbev
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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  (847): Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed. http://tfl.nu/o4oh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it

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  (603): In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it http://tfl.nu/f0et
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?

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  (404): He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair? http://tfl.nu/ho1p
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

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  (815): I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning" http://tfl.nu/wpur
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar

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  (605): you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar http://tfl.nu/3k40
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  (206): View more from Washington

  In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.

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  (206): In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/g8w5
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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  (716): I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone? http://tfl.nu/d362
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck

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  (610): getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck http://tfl.nu/662u
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

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  (775): How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy http://tfl.nu/hobw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.

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  (410): Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe. http://tfl.nu/rdse
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.

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  (610): I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you. http://tfl.nu/0cak
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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  (716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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  (203): She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious http://tfl.nu/rvtf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables

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  (301): I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables http://tfl.nu/82j1
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.

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  (915): Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me. http://tfl.nu/qov1
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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  (423): I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats. http://tfl.nu/9par
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard

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  (770): I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard http://tfl.nu/zjac
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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  (412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.

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  (412): She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head. http://tfl.nu/fks8
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  (850): View more from Florida

  2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.

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  (850): 2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers. http://tfl.nu/i0nm
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  (360): View more from Washington

  There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.

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  (360): There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line. http://tfl.nu/jhch
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.

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  (740): I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday. http://tfl.nu/4f6m
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  (716): View more from New York

  Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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  (716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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  (402): You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves http://tfl.nu/lewx
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  How bad is the voicemail?

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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  (864): How bad is the voicemail? (1-864): You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole. http://tfl.nu/kbpy
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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  (919): Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends.... http://tfl.nu/5sph
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  this better not be you asking for a beej

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  (303): She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner. (719): this better not be you asking for a beej http://tfl.nu/u03l
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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  (618): Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off. (309): Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay? http://tfl.nu/53dx
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.

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  (434): some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads. http://tfl.nu/zu14
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv

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  (440): I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv http://tfl.nu/sgj1
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  (925): View more from California

  We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...

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  (925): We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo... http://tfl.nu/7fya
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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  (214): Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me? http://tfl.nu/3sua
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
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  (805): View more from California

  Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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  (805): Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...? http://tfl.nu/0j4d
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.

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  (256): He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m. http://tfl.nu/vqeg
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

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  (402): Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped. http://tfl.nu/qxzn
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  (408): View more from California

  You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.

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  (408): You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed. http://tfl.nu/u516
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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  (814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now. http://tfl.nu/xg11
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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  (920): I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night. http://tfl.nu/zpas
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.

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  (623): He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out. http://tfl.nu/ixyd
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd

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  (905): I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd http://tfl.nu/je1e
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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  (920): Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around... http://tfl.nu/q37r
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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  (250): she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza http://tfl.nu/2a0o
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".

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  (920): You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby". http://tfl.nu/mh0h
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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  (303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48655) Bad night (1815)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!

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  (416): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?! http://tfl.nu/lb62
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  (909): View more from California

  I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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  (909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy
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  (909): View more from California

  Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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  (909): Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there http://tfl.nu/y3ph
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  (310): View more from California

  If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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  (310): If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/b0h6
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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  (904): Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada http://tfl.nu/l5wm
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
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  (425): View more from Washington

  After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

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  (425): After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake. http://tfl.nu/nvef
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night

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  (204): I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night http://tfl.nu/wncj
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks

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  (224): dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks http://tfl.nu/taq1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me

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  (732): I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me http://tfl.nu/pe15
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  (207): View more from Maine

  how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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  (207): how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me. http://tfl.nu/s06p
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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  (712): He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him. http://tfl.nu/xqld
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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  (617): im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone. http://tfl.nu/veb9
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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  (250): How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time? http://tfl.nu/zyvh
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i just like, need to vent to someone

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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  (910): i just like, need to vent to someone (919): Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you? http://tfl.nu/t3kk
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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  (315): I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night. http://tfl.nu/7th0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
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  (415): View more from California

  You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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  (415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off. http://tfl.nu/eb22
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  (509): View more from Washington

  after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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  (509): after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery http://tfl.nu/ntn4
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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  (503): I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan. http://tfl.nu/4npq
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.

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  (515): I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower. http://tfl.nu/kyot
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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  (856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar. http://tfl.nu/5cy5
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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  (817): he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet... http://tfl.nu/na2h
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  (206): View more from Washington

  How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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  (206): How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it? http://tfl.nu/31c7
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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  (519): What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/srza
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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  (630): I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade http://tfl.nu/zmei
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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  (410): Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE. http://tfl.nu/kxu1
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  (817): View more from Texas

  getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.

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  (817): getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned. http://tfl.nu/n40z
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  (213): View more from California

  Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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  (213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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  (301): I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door. (215): Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go. http://tfl.nu/76is
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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  (207): I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs. http://tfl.nu/5epb
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

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  (773): Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night. http://tfl.nu/t8p9
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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  (609): Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided http://tfl.nu/mbmq
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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  (513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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  (801): You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience http://tfl.nu/r1dh
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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  (920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off. http://tfl.nu/r6m3
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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  (618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has. http://tfl.nu/36lp
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  (310): View more from California

  he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed

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  (310): he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed http://tfl.nu/t2n3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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  (630): He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together. http://tfl.nu/tn1p
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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  (519): he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it http://tfl.nu/rdxn
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  (323): View more from California

  Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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  (323): Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me http://tfl.nu/3sp3
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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  (604): I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex http://tfl.nu/9dx2
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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  (502): Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely . http://tfl.nu/di6d
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"

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  (202): All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad" http://tfl.nu/wm4r
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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  (330): I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. http://tfl.nu/5edg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  how could i say no?

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  (513): wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka? (1-513): how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/1o9r
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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  (403): Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch? http://tfl.nu/fqqa
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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  (832): I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella. http://tfl.nu/jiup
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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  (+49): Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face http://tfl.nu/4iya
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  (707): View more from California

  he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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  (707): he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting http://tfl.nu/k7m6
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  (206): View more from Washington

  the night ended with taco bell and tears

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  (206): the night ended with taco bell and tears http://tfl.nu/rh7j
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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  (816): we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring http://tfl.nu/1aqf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony

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  (720): I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony http://tfl.nu/iwpl
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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  (512): Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor. http://tfl.nu/9a3p
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt

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  (203): the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt http://tfl.nu/wx0v
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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  (780): He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again. http://tfl.nu/j7t8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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  (973): i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun. http://tfl.nu/edf8
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  (559): View more from California

  Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.

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  (559): Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on. http://tfl.nu/nei9
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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  (262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick. http://tfl.nu/emch
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  (917): View more from New York City

  They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"

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  (917): They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?" http://tfl.nu/nrwr
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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  (907): We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke. http://tfl.nu/z4fd
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me

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  (651): I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me http://tfl.nu/y5sm
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (716): View more from New York

  So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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  (716): So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building. http://tfl.nu/resy
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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  (906): If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her? http://tfl.nu/jtlb
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  (516): View more from New York

  The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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  (516): The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone. http://tfl.nu/jz14
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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  (586): We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mpc6
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.

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  (520): there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands. http://tfl.nu/q8hf
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  (585): View more from New York

  with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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  (585): with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible http://tfl.nu/x1el
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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  (339): I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette http://tfl.nu/67ko
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then ....

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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  (215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line

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  (417): I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line http://tfl.nu/6dkx
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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  (702): I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave. http://tfl.nu/8hoe
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  (915): View more from Texas

  You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

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  (915): You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs http://tfl.nu/qhlh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?

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  (908): You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you? http://tfl.nu/3hav
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  (845): View more from New York

  just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in

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  (845): just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in http://tfl.nu/l275
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

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  (571): Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was. http://tfl.nu/tmsm
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.

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  (817): I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw. http://tfl.nu/upb5
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  (858): View more from California

  for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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  (858): for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers http://tfl.nu/nh9s
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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  (778): Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper. http://tfl.nu/0up7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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  (503): I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job. http://tfl.nu/hof0
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

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  (204): Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever. http://tfl.nu/wklp
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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  (865): His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation... http://tfl.nu/uas5
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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  (512): Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky. http://tfl.nu/on0b
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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  (859): How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom? http://tfl.nu/dl3d
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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  (361): I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off. http://tfl.nu/sc97
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

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  (770): Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers. http://tfl.nu/y8q2
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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  (701): I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?" http://tfl.nu/cr38
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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  (205): Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here. http://tfl.nu/viom
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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  (859): Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby http://tfl.nu/0zlt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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  (484): I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting. http://tfl.nu/ejol
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.

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  (304): My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires. http://tfl.nu/nxay
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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  (505): i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you http://tfl.nu/pwks
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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  (215): Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me. http://tfl.nu/119t
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

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  (954): I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom. http://tfl.nu/1p31
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.

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  (+44): I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/4b20
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

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  (859): Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine. http://tfl.nu/7uwl
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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  (815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp
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  (315): View more from New York

  I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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  (315): I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine. http://tfl.nu/7gi6
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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  (321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one. http://tfl.nu/vil5
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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  (773): She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs http://tfl.nu/4ami
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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  (815): Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship http://tfl.nu/xkl4
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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  (808): you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech http://tfl.nu/bl5m
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
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  (626): View more from California

  We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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  (626): We stole a cat. That is all you need to know. http://tfl.nu/xol0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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  (201): Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants. http://tfl.nu/zw7z
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful

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  (410): We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful http://tfl.nu/jdk0
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  (646): View more from New York

  when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.

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  (646): when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed. http://tfl.nu/4c6n
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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  (540): casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks? http://tfl.nu/0uf1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

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  (480): honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well. http://tfl.nu/eoih
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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  (936): I swallowed for you. Answer the phone. http://tfl.nu/f04x
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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  (512): I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different. http://tfl.nu/tob0
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  (432): View more from Texas

  the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel

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  (432): the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel http://tfl.nu/t4be
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  (817): View more from Texas

  When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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  (817): When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. http://tfl.nu/ucur
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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  (252): it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet http://tfl.nu/si54
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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  (325): I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well. http://tfl.nu/zrfa
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.

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  (701): Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual. http://tfl.nu/sj3h
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  (516): View more from New York

  its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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  (516): its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved http://tfl.nu/wek7
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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  (305): Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high. http://tfl.nu/4ptt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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  (201): I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad" http://tfl.nu/8w1c
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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  (502): Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this. http://tfl.nu/29p7
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.

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  (724): Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately. http://tfl.nu/qxtl
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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  (717): Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK??? http://tfl.nu/2k2z
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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  (240): We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit. http://tfl.nu/8ktk
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers

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  (404): It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers http://tfl.nu/xcf7
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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  (781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.

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  (785): I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive. http://tfl.nu/o6oy
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (949): View more from California

  Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.

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  (949): Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable. http://tfl.nu/3v7d
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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  (630): I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive. http://tfl.nu/za3k
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?

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  (780): I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots? http://tfl.nu/1jdo
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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  (519): Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club. http://tfl.nu/af62
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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  (206): My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town http://tfl.nu/phfq
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  (561): View more from Florida

  definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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  (561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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  (309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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  (954): We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver. http://tfl.nu/zvig
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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  (620): Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven. http://tfl.nu/24p0
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  It's inspiring.

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  (910): All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day... (910): It's inspiring. http://tfl.nu/vfb2
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  (760): View more from California

  coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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  (760): coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/by4p
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

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  (515): you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night? http://tfl.nu/cew2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

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  (724): Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over. http://tfl.nu/rd2c
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (607): View more from New York

  We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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  (607): We can grow old together and our livers can fail together http://tfl.nu/ku07
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  (845): View more from New York

  He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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  (845): He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver. http://tfl.nu/r9iy
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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  (250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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  (603): Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight". http://tfl.nu/suji
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  (818): View more from California

  he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

  (323): View more from California

  i love that song!

  (818): View more from California

  NOT THE POINT

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  (818): he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came (323): i love that song! (818): NOT THE POINT http://tfl.nu/7i6t
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

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  (330): I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner http://tfl.nu/m02y
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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  (720): He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim. http://tfl.nu/2u9p
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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  (267): your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats http://tfl.nu/u2vh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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  (617): i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later http://tfl.nu/ptu9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke

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  (859): So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke http://tfl.nu/0mgq
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Did I show you my penis last night?

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  (307): Did I show you my penis last night? http://tfl.nu/i066
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..

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  (973): can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces.. http://tfl.nu/3uan
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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  (407): So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves http://tfl.nu/mggy
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  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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  (712): Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer http://tfl.nu/7yso
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

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  (952): I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants. http://tfl.nu/m7ij
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

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  (870): It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis. http://tfl.nu/5xg0
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.

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  (616): I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes. http://tfl.nu/slsk
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Does it taste like semen?

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  (972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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  (262): I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical. http://tfl.nu/ictl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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  (215): Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/3cxs
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  (561): View more from Florida

  And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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  (561): And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips." http://tfl.nu/kfac
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  (925): View more from California

  After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

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  (925): After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome http://tfl.nu/nygq
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  (254): View more from Texas

  In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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  (254): In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/fy1k
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (925): View more from California

  I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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  (925): I hope this adventure ends at a hospital http://tfl.nu/tvb7
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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  (313): you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/cddz
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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  (201): there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke http://tfl.nu/pyjl
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.

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  (203): his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material. http://tfl.nu/ws01
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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  (602): Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day http://tfl.nu/7jqo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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  (402): Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze http://tfl.nu/3a8k
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.

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  (770): "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea. http://tfl.nu/i0ux
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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  (804): My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/bitm
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.

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  (289): eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks. http://tfl.nu/9rpm
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.

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  (419): You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you. http://tfl.nu/qq0g
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  what are we doing this weekend?

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.

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  (708): what are we doing this weekend? (1-708): I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/uvwp
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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  (774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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  (910): He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work. http://tfl.nu/wbkv
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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  (313): At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely? http://tfl.nu/gf43
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."

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  (248): There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding." http://tfl.nu/ytsu
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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  (813): The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth. http://tfl.nu/4ea8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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  (330): I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam! (1-330): is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar? http://tfl.nu/c4pf
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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  (317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive http://tfl.nu/067t
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.

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  (734): I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises. http://tfl.nu/ybn2
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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  (413): i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur. http://tfl.nu/9vxg
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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  (971): We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable... http://tfl.nu/8m1y
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  (707): View more from California

  I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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  (707): I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already http://tfl.nu/x0ls
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
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  (559): View more from California

  I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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  (559): I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing. http://tfl.nu/i8zl
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  (619): View more from California

  i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door

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  (619): i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door http://tfl.nu/jy3b
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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  (214): Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing. http://tfl.nu/4y7p
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (310): View more from California

  so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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  (310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.

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  (901): Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement. http://tfl.nu/kvvh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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  (314): I drank myself into bisexuality again. http://tfl.nu/eg45
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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  (720): I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me. http://tfl.nu/g7lo
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
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  (914): View more from New York

  Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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  (914): Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave? http://tfl.nu/fkd9
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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  (267): Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer http://tfl.nu/2v54
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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  (864): I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened. http://tfl.nu/5edl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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  (937): I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens. http://tfl.nu/zmnj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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  (908): I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me. http://tfl.nu/2kto
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

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  (443): yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism http://tfl.nu/7zps
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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  (701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships. http://tfl.nu/filq
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up

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  (312): I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up http://tfl.nu/9x7s
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  (469): View more from Texas

  In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.

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  (469): In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar. http://tfl.nu/7dw6
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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  (317): Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good. http://tfl.nu/6afw
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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  (586): on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish" http://tfl.nu/8ky3
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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  (337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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  (604): All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea? http://tfl.nu/njfe
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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  (705): Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it. http://tfl.nu/bw0n
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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  (503): Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter. http://tfl.nu/kpej
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  What did I say?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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  (636): You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why. (847): What did I say? (636): Don't ask me questions while I have an erection, http://tfl.nu/e9w1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

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  (402): I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious. http://tfl.nu/b9xl
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
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  (727): View more from Florida

  how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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  (727): how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian? http://tfl.nu/oazh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...

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  (217): I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony... http://tfl.nu/w96r
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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  (256): I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you. http://tfl.nu/8mod
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (716): View more from New York

  she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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  (716): she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper http://tfl.nu/z4y6
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

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  (202): You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in http://tfl.nu/2mgj
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

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  (780): Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT. http://tfl.nu/4w87
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  (516): View more from New York

  until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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  (516): until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life http://tfl.nu/jc1p
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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  (218): If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me http://tfl.nu/kwsp
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.

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  (240): Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle. http://tfl.nu/z4p0
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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  (414): There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you http://tfl.nu/ku1m
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...

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  (605): Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away... http://tfl.nu/4asr
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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  (614): Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him http://tfl.nu/w6qf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

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  (404): You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised. http://tfl.nu/0upx
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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  (678): Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead, http://tfl.nu/tjky
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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  (703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.

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  (734): So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things. http://tfl.nu/gsnh
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

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  (917): you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues http://tfl.nu/bwbh
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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  (815): im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine http://tfl.nu/4lyn
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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  (613): I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/nxz1
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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  (312): I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy http://tfl.nu/tu8r
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  (909): View more from California

  I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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  (909): I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats. http://tfl.nu/jzu3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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  (850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Glad to see your being a lady about this

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  (336): I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture (1-336): Glad to see your being a lady about this http://tfl.nu/pcgd
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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  (803): I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me. http://tfl.nu/ijqd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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  (847): i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink http://tfl.nu/i8us
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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  (615): I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag. http://tfl.nu/vhx8
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  (707): View more from California

  You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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  (707): You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/2b7s
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  (305): View more from Florida

  he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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  (305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink http://tfl.nu/w0ij
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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  (816): It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out. http://tfl.nu/oebq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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  (480): I think this baby is eyeing my beer http://tfl.nu/6ms6
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  (408): View more from California

  You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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  (408): You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now http://tfl.nu/y80h
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.

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  (712): in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am. http://tfl.nu/pxzm
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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  (910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap. http://tfl.nu/jw87
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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  (773): You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker. http://tfl.nu/r3lm
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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  (301): I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation. http://tfl.nu/sh4c
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

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  (602): I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex. http://tfl.nu/gy7w
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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  (660): We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out http://tfl.nu/p80s
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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  (678): I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though. http://tfl.nu/25nt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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  (570): Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now http://tfl.nu/j96j
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  (530): View more from California

  I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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  (530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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  (469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge

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  (856): dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge http://tfl.nu/cto3
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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  (816): My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost. http://tfl.nu/27qj
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  (310): View more from California

  So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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  (310): So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes http://tfl.nu/3hm9
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
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  (415): View more from California

  She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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  (415): She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer. http://tfl.nu/gibc
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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  (419): So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1 http://tfl.nu/tz8w
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  (+65): View more from

  No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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  (+65): No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car. http://tfl.nu/46mc
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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  (732): we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know http://tfl.nu/1cmn
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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  (206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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  (207): She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks http://tfl.nu/sgso
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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  (256): I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics. http://tfl.nu/u31h
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm coming over.

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  (281): I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay. (713): I'm coming over. http://tfl.nu/32wi
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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  (763): Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/r7p2
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  (845): View more from New York

  I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.

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  (845): I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties. http://tfl.nu/q6j5
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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  (305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.

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  (678): For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you. http://tfl.nu/2vfg
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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  (941): i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet. http://tfl.nu/jjy9
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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  (812): Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this... http://tfl.nu/q2aq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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  (303): My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/r17h
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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  (250): I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower http://tfl.nu/dtnj
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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  (412): I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms http://tfl.nu/sbef
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  (+82): View more from South Korea

  You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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  (+82): You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes. http://tfl.nu/6vdw
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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  (810): There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing http://tfl.nu/i1k5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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  (404): I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building. http://tfl.nu/5zu2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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  (734): this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card http://tfl.nu/flh6
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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  (201): You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked. http://tfl.nu/py4z
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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  (978): Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die... http://tfl.nu/7pmw
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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  (404): All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time. http://tfl.nu/nzqv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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  (248): Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch. http://tfl.nu/snc7
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.

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  (678): What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick. http://tfl.nu/v9tv
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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  (612): he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers. http://tfl.nu/asbc
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.

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  (864): just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring. http://tfl.nu/qf1b
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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  (303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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  (301): It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form http://tfl.nu/mrkk
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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  (409): The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711. http://tfl.nu/l97v
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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  (318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior. http://tfl.nu/48ho
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  (325): View more from Texas

  As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

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  (325): As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good, http://tfl.nu/ohf2
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  (209): View more from California

  She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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  (209): She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge. http://tfl.nu/14lm
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.

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  (580): He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/564h
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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  (805): I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more. http://tfl.nu/p4p6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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  (613): I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable. http://tfl.nu/pwwk
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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  (207): She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? " http://tfl.nu/wyfp
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  (509): View more from Washington

  God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number

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  (509): God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number http://tfl.nu/k3zo
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  (516): View more from New York

  nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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  (516): nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex http://tfl.nu/zwof
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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  (508): dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM. http://tfl.nu/7fg3
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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  (207): Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us. http://tfl.nu/mqg9
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.

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  (573): Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties. http://tfl.nu/z2k6
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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  (905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings http://tfl.nu/jatg
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  (909): View more from California

  According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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  (909): According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack http://tfl.nu/ipzj
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  (415): View more from California

  Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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  (415): Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide? http://tfl.nu/adm7
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  (916): View more from California

  craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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  (916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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  (604): Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be. http://tfl.nu/j7k8
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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  (563): i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this... http://tfl.nu/un0n
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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  (330): I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex." http://tfl.nu/3mha
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

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  (519): you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism.. http://tfl.nu/640h
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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  (847): No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it. http://tfl.nu/l9mq
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  (408): View more from California

  I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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  (408): I miss the smell of you or some shit. http://tfl.nu/h6lu
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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  (312): You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles http://tfl.nu/bowu
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  (646): View more from New York

  He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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  (646): He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone http://tfl.nu/7e7m
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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  (919): All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar. http://tfl.nu/cp66
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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  (651): The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing. http://tfl.nu/9cqq
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  (510): View more from California

  no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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  (510): no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her. http://tfl.nu/kcyk
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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  (615): If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen? http://tfl.nu/ze7l
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  (916): View more from California

  Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.

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  (916): Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity. http://tfl.nu/tb29
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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  (614): she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie. http://tfl.nu/xhiw
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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  (778): I woke up with glitter in my wounds. http://tfl.nu/r4io
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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  (843): She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that. http://tfl.nu/vu87
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  (903): View more from Texas

  If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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  (903): If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis. http://tfl.nu/5wmm
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (951): View more from California

  I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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  (951): I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's. http://tfl.nu/x6q1
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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  (860): She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit. http://tfl.nu/aa9j
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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  (740): His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them. http://tfl.nu/w51l
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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  (757): yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd. http://tfl.nu/nagb
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (845): View more from New York

  Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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  (845): Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn? http://tfl.nu/bm5d
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."

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  (267): Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too." http://tfl.nu/ac9x
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  (979): View more from Texas

  his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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  (979): his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible. http://tfl.nu/lobz
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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  (405): I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign. http://tfl.nu/rxal
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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  (541): dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room http://tfl.nu/exa4
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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  (781): I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on. http://tfl.nu/begu
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink

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  (778): Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink http://tfl.nu/5oo7
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  (310): View more from California

  If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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  (310): If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is http://tfl.nu/w3co
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (510): View more from California

  He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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  (510): He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast? http://tfl.nu/9c24
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

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  (937): Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it. http://tfl.nu/m5np
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn

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  (989): Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn http://tfl.nu/8cqk
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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  (504): If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life. http://tfl.nu/0spe
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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  (941): I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special http://tfl.nu/g9sh
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  (754): View more from Florida

  You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

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  (754): You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm. http://tfl.nu/ypbk
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

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  (816): She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum http://tfl.nu/72bu
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  (727): View more from Florida

  We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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  (727): We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno http://tfl.nu/ajny
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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  (617): my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl". http://tfl.nu/voy6
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (818): View more from California

  Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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  (818): Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested. http://tfl.nu/vry7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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  (215): A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts. http://tfl.nu/gdkg
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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  (570): My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide. http://tfl.nu/y8jz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

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  (404): It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again. http://tfl.nu/gqov
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  (904): View more from Florida

  he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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  (904): he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up http://tfl.nu/1mju
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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  (651): I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed. http://tfl.nu/6al2
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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  (281): I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve. http://tfl.nu/asc9
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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  (402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire. http://tfl.nu/9p46
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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  (519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5
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  (817): View more from Texas

  All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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  (817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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  (613): Will you be topless? That will affect my answer. http://tfl.nu/lf7u
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry

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  (989): From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry http://tfl.nu/kfwr
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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  (419): You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out. http://tfl.nu/n9rj
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  (716): View more from New York

  I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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  (716): I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone. http://tfl.nu/d9tx
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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  (813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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  (414): He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/wrdx
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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  (856): my self respect just called, its having a good time without me http://tfl.nu/iprn
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.

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  (208): I think he just made me trade sex for my cat. http://tfl.nu/z4wg
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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  (785): Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up. http://tfl.nu/s8n4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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  (860): You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool. http://tfl.nu/a5su
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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  (208): Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese http://tfl.nu/a9is
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  (758): View more from St. Lucia-Carib

  He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.

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  (758): He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out. http://tfl.nu/nx2b
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  You told him you loved him!?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

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  (260): You told him you loved him!? (1-260): I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes. http://tfl.nu/duby
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

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  (262): At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex. http://tfl.nu/iosj
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  (253): View more from Washington

  For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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  (253): For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard. http://tfl.nu/hy6n
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  (347): View more from New York

  Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???

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  (347): Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord??? http://tfl.nu/3v54
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home

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  (412): when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home http://tfl.nu/u8cd
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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  (641): We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard. http://tfl.nu/xmhj
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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  (715): its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk http://tfl.nu/cy8n
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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  (978): Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?" http://tfl.nu/0wwp
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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  (704): He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him. http://tfl.nu/wgyi
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  (727): View more from Florida

  would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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  (727): would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right? http://tfl.nu/emka
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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  (860): Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover. http://tfl.nu/pf8w
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  (850): View more from Florida

  It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

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  (850): It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me http://tfl.nu/a5dr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom

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  (317): I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom http://tfl.nu/przj
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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  (480): West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH http://tfl.nu/ntsd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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  (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club http://tfl.nu/j8mx
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  (818): View more from California

  Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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  (818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob http://tfl.nu/xjl4
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.

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  (773): I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger. http://tfl.nu/s2b5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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  (301): He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him. http://tfl.nu/18rr
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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  (419): Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl... http://tfl.nu/mv65
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.

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  (613): I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/hw5l
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

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  (+27): we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end http://tfl.nu/vfas
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.

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  (832): Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice. http://tfl.nu/bv8r
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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  (661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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  (703): using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes. http://tfl.nu/y0td
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  (801): View more from Utah

  No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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  (801): No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything http://tfl.nu/rmdb
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

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  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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  (815): It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing. http://tfl.nu/i0rl
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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  (712): Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be. http://tfl.nu/n7rl
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  (661): View more from California

  aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

  (623): View more from Arizona

  And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

  (661): View more from California

  Exactly.

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  (661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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  (228): i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy http://tfl.nu/ftf6
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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  (+44): You are the patron saint of my drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/rquk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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  (360): Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk. http://tfl.nu/k2pc
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.

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  (508): just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night. http://tfl.nu/ks6r
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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  (205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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  (717): got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me http://tfl.nu/g14l
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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  (412): you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby.. http://tfl.nu/7gz9
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face

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  (307): It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face http://tfl.nu/4yyh
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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  (405): You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit http://tfl.nu/wkkh
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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  (307): i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl. http://tfl.nu/csya
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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  (609): did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes? http://tfl.nu/qlm2
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay

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  (859): Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay http://tfl.nu/mr5s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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  (303): His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed. http://tfl.nu/yv11
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar

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  (765): Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar http://tfl.nu/ejig
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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  (757): Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome' http://tfl.nu/u586
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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  (413): Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question. http://tfl.nu/3n7q
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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  (248): you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits http://tfl.nu/vmd3
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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  (281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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  (203): As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions http://tfl.nu/qlm8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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  (228): Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer. http://tfl.nu/k59r
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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  (703): I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU. http://tfl.nu/rhle
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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  (+44): I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving http://tfl.nu/jxug
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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  (540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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  (330): Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge. http://tfl.nu/j5wy
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

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  (+61): Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup. http://tfl.nu/3fht
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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  (404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/q2qd
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  (646): View more from New York

  I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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  (646): I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot. http://tfl.nu/r2lr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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  (330): theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk69
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?

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  (847): Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off? http://tfl.nu/erc6
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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  (419): two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome http://tfl.nu/ey6z
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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  (740): Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed? http://tfl.nu/4keg
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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  (330): Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry. http://tfl.nu/4osi
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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  (708): He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed. http://tfl.nu/ytov
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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  (973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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  (313): Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice http://tfl.nu/wuko
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

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  (713): Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go. http://tfl.nu/z9ow
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He's yummy.

  (613): View more from Ontario

  HE'S GAY. AND 40.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Irrelevant.

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  (802): He's yummy. (613): HE'S GAY. AND 40. (802): Irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/3zsj
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.

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  (630): i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered. http://tfl.nu/mib4
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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  (717): She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer. http://tfl.nu/9691
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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  (812): We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells". http://tfl.nu/8dsx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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  (847): We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate. http://tfl.nu/z0ff
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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  (618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar. http://tfl.nu/mv1g
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  (760): View more from California

  If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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  (760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone http://tfl.nu/69r6
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters

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  (937): you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters http://tfl.nu/ru5h
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

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  (724): you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles. http://tfl.nu/nryc
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

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  (402): He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too http://tfl.nu/2c7f
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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  (732): I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/e3sn
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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  (717): James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks. http://tfl.nu/8rn4
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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  (217): Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship. http://tfl.nu/eyj6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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  (603): I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay. http://tfl.nu/s25q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.

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  (732): wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip. http://tfl.nu/kp6r
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor

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  (906): he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor http://tfl.nu/agbs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you can't hurt those

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  (314): I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over (314): you can't hurt those http://tfl.nu/gmcq
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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  (519): DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS. http://tfl.nu/77gw
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  (585): View more from New York

  any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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  (585): any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later? http://tfl.nu/w8i3
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

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  (740): he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero. http://tfl.nu/6a8a
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

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  (973): now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers http://tfl.nu/pdyb
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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  (618): You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs http://tfl.nu/0h2n
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  (206): View more from Washington

  woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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  (206): woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night http://tfl.nu/9u90
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  he fucked my hip out of place.

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  (615): he fucked my hip out of place. http://tfl.nu/0lgh
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  (619): View more from California

  im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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  (619): im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull. http://tfl.nu/oak8
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  (315): View more from New York

  some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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  (315): some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!" http://tfl.nu/pcn6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (209): View more from California

  I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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  (209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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  (303): No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question http://tfl.nu/r4al
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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  (443): I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok http://tfl.nu/hllh
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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  (267): I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight http://tfl.nu/859p
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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  (617): Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night. http://tfl.nu/xmy8
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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  (902): i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see.. http://tfl.nu/ubpf
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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  (504): Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone. http://tfl.nu/v2z6
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

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  (218): I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time http://tfl.nu/ndy7
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  (858): View more from California

  It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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  (858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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  (416): At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/a2wn
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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  (403): He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant. http://tfl.nu/2z77
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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  (817): Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night. http://tfl.nu/bkam
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  (425): View more from Washington

  she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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  (425): she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco. http://tfl.nu/8uv1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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  (303): So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door? http://tfl.nu/on5x
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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  (253): We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up. http://tfl.nu/4lr7
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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  (231): you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob. http://tfl.nu/xbl2
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine

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  (412): a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine http://tfl.nu/k37h
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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  (973): Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy http://tfl.nu/3461
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.

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  (719): I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed. http://tfl.nu/z9qp
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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  (253): Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style. http://tfl.nu/lnre
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.

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  (847): I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand. http://tfl.nu/1517
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  (360): View more from Washington

  She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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  (360): She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/qt2q
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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  (248): He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of http://tfl.nu/1krw
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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  (563): For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in. http://tfl.nu/kbab
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  (716): View more from New York

  He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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  (716): He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex http://tfl.nu/jqzk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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  (248): Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning? http://tfl.nu/u220
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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  (713): I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes http://tfl.nu/wjig
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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  (928): She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/gi6e
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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  (214): Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures. http://tfl.nu/dcpy
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.

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  (817): I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be. http://tfl.nu/oevd
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  (925): View more from California

  I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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  (925): I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing?? http://tfl.nu/da8e
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first

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  (316): Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first http://tfl.nu/7abn
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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  (202): He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like. http://tfl.nu/n0vb
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  (408): View more from California

  You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.

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  (408): You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree. http://tfl.nu/igom
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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  (713): Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is. http://tfl.nu/q4lm
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

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  (775): Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window http://tfl.nu/dk3n
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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  (416): Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card... http://tfl.nu/vpen
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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  (480): How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night? http://tfl.nu/kz3y
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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  (214): Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece? http://tfl.nu/qvgx
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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  (202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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  (601): we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again. http://tfl.nu/0kiq
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was

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  (928): im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was http://tfl.nu/g5u7
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  (914): View more from New York

  i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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  (914): i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/xwvv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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  (201): Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them. http://tfl.nu/ciek
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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  (479): I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics. http://tfl.nu/bo11
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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  (973): i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me. http://tfl.nu/dox4
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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  (724): I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head. http://tfl.nu/4vvd
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  (516): View more from New York

  Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.

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  (516): Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer. http://tfl.nu/tp9x
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

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  (267): he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice. http://tfl.nu/aht5
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (302): I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/y6ds
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  (954): View more from Florida

  it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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  (954): it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/y5mn
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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  (773): He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection. http://tfl.nu/4afh
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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  (704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals http://tfl.nu/j8ot
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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  (302): I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that. http://tfl.nu/9h2q
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  (850): View more from Florida

  And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.

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  (850): And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will. http://tfl.nu/iz1b
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  (714): View more from California

  He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.

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  (714): He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/xpcu
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.

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  (601): Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back. http://tfl.nu/ihr9
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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  (774): I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..." http://tfl.nu/yy1j
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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  (503): I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs. http://tfl.nu/iho1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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  (917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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  (740): I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign? http://tfl.nu/ahav
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

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  (330): Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like. http://tfl.nu/uplz
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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  (215): Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost http://tfl.nu/oth1
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

  (928): View more from Arizona

  wow.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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  (815): The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub. (928): wow. (815): But it's a REALLY good back rub. http://tfl.nu/3vfg
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.

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  (724): noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success. http://tfl.nu/klpq
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  (718): View more from New York

  it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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  (718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store http://tfl.nu/b87c
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.

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  (423): it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like. http://tfl.nu/iipz
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  (281): View more from Texas

  He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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  (281): He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning. http://tfl.nu/ijln
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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  (412): well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm. http://tfl.nu/hugj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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  (410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu
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  (914): View more from New York

  I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later

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  (914): I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later http://tfl.nu/hx0e
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  (352): View more from Florida

  This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

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  (352): This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode http://tfl.nu/n1t3
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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  (616): On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey. http://tfl.nu/p3t0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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  (781): he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness... (413): how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers http://tfl.nu/137y
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
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  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
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  (954): View more from Florida

  8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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  (954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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  (303): We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down http://tfl.nu/easv
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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  (778): Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight? http://tfl.nu/8s8e
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  We're doing a case race on Saturday.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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  (301): We're doing a case race on Saturday. (302): I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism" http://tfl.nu/1jnr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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  (919): Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay http://tfl.nu/w5k9
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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  (410): Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever. http://tfl.nu/6xdo
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  (559): View more from California

  Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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  (559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on

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  (814): I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on http://tfl.nu/jkd3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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  (708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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  (908): but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before. http://tfl.nu/ra7g
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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  (417): Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by. http://tfl.nu/hvbu
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  (432): View more from Texas

  He looks like he has a penis

  (210): View more from Texas

  What the fuck

  (432): View more from Texas

  A good one, a good penis

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  (432): He looks like he has a penis (210): What the fuck (432): A good one, a good penis http://tfl.nu/0vhk
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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  (937): I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad. http://tfl.nu/m8mw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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  (973): I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning. http://tfl.nu/dg43
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

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  (512): Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box. http://tfl.nu/wxom
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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  (303): those 9 inches of man changed my life forever. http://tfl.nu/b7ob
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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  (757): So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof http://tfl.nu/xt5p
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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  (321): I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident. http://tfl.nu/j6a8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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  (617): Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here. http://tfl.nu/6cd7
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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  (651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Really* awful people.

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  (215): I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people. (215): Really* awful people. http://tfl.nu/94fn
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  (904): View more from Florida

  naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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  (904): naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea. http://tfl.nu/s2fg
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  (916): View more from California

  Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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  (916): Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless. http://tfl.nu/cdoe
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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  (978): Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question http://tfl.nu/aezp
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  (516): View more from New York

  I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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  (516): I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos http://tfl.nu/9ruo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.

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  (402): Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year. http://tfl.nu/x76y
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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  (618): You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen. http://tfl.nu/feuh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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  (913): The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up. http://tfl.nu/odda
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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  (724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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  (407): I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging http://tfl.nu/yisg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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  (617): Some one left their pants in the elevator. http://tfl.nu/4aog
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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  (+44): You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point. http://tfl.nu/tew1
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked

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  (417): I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked http://tfl.nu/4oxw
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.

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  (228): Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me. http://tfl.nu/qpkp
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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  (704): they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming. http://tfl.nu/eg1m
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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  (512): I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun. http://tfl.nu/d4m3
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  (425): View more from Washington

  It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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  (425): It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends. http://tfl.nu/8ygs
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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  (917): Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor. http://tfl.nu/lzwd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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  (303): I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf. http://tfl.nu/kj2s
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  (315): View more from New York

  don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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  (315): don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there http://tfl.nu/ybdj
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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  (859): No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks. http://tfl.nu/8h7o
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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  (541): blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best http://tfl.nu/qdc9
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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  (412): she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend http://tfl.nu/4xq5
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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  (202): i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day. http://tfl.nu/yh3a
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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  (954): We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers. http://tfl.nu/9jml
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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  (816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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  (540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman. http://tfl.nu/z7nz
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  That sounds dangerous

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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  (316): So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses (1-316): That sounds dangerous (316): Don't worry......were wearing oven mits. http://tfl.nu/woxn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him

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  (513): 4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him http://tfl.nu/uj7g
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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  (813): If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing. http://tfl.nu/gg1f
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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  (503): i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text http://tfl.nu/7lw4
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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  (941): I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked. http://tfl.nu/4e23
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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  (401): If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is http://tfl.nu/twoy
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  (805): View more from California

  You are such a cockblock sometimes

  (661): View more from California

  You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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  (805): You are such a cockblock sometimes (661): You NEED a cockblock sometimes http://tfl.nu/zl8e
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.

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  (812): You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down. http://tfl.nu/c4iu
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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  (928): I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos. http://tfl.nu/xt2r
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  (904): View more from Florida

  masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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  (904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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  (330): WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL. http://tfl.nu/0dj7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...

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  (775): Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks... http://tfl.nu/pt70
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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  (860): I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name. http://tfl.nu/83o9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

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  (804): I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success. http://tfl.nu/kq4s
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers

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  (508): but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers http://tfl.nu/9dwx
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  (315): View more from New York

  apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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  (315): apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food. http://tfl.nu/ofln
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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  (702): She's never allowed to turn 21 again http://tfl.nu/eyqp
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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  (919): I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process. (1-919): Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop. http://tfl.nu/dsex
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  True on all accounts.

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  (702): I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me. (1-702): True on all accounts. http://tfl.nu/tt9s
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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  (443): Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome http://tfl.nu/nq8y
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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  (513): He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/uxq8
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  (626): View more from California

  It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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  (626): It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/eowy
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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  (406): He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage http://tfl.nu/22pw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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  (214): So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5. http://tfl.nu/y0zl
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

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  (505): I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets http://tfl.nu/m4mv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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  (732): He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love! http://tfl.nu/kaje
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  His hands were made for my vagina.

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  (405): His hands were made for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/uiyy
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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  (+44): Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism. http://tfl.nu/zz0f
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.

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  (509): I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job. http://tfl.nu/4wpv
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?

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  (732): like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers? http://tfl.nu/ohng
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.

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  (815): Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me. http://tfl.nu/oi7v
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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  (502): Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway. http://tfl.nu/fbtk
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  (516): View more from New York

  You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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  (516): You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food. http://tfl.nu/5019
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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  (717): looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw http://tfl.nu/7d00
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car

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  (202): You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car http://tfl.nu/q6jc
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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  (403): you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape. http://tfl.nu/to8s
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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  (806): Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep http://tfl.nu/b11i
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.

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  (810): She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again. http://tfl.nu/2zep
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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  (317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?

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  (570): I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to? http://tfl.nu/dwjv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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  (303): You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories. http://tfl.nu/6f6h
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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  (613): I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked. http://tfl.nu/z7yx
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (909): View more from California

  i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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  (909): i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life http://tfl.nu/pypl
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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  (636): the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking" http://tfl.nu/px7k
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.

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  (850): She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed. http://tfl.nu/7kwk
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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  (903): He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/h56s
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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  (918): IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request. http://tfl.nu/53d6
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

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  (+61): THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/omc3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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  (303): Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face. http://tfl.nu/aa6s
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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  (404): He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13. http://tfl.nu/mb7j
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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  (708): bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not. http://tfl.nu/0qt3
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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  (928): On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory. http://tfl.nu/gw1o
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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  (919): No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you. http://tfl.nu/9kp9
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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  (419): then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!" http://tfl.nu/taup
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

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  (314): I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY. http://tfl.nu/obak
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

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  (419): apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty" http://tfl.nu/fxst
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  (940): View more from Texas

  it's like heaven, but drunker

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  (940): it's like heaven, but drunker http://tfl.nu/yzff
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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  (706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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  (603): i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking http://tfl.nu/kntc
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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  (717): What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese. http://tfl.nu/9uuf
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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  (218): you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen" http://tfl.nu/038r
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

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  (704): a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you. http://tfl.nu/45tv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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  (979): Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again http://tfl.nu/ae74
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

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  (423): All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited. http://tfl.nu/itw0
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  (585): View more from New York

  yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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  (585): yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign. http://tfl.nu/yitg
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality

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  (708): I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality http://tfl.nu/1jam
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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  (520): When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well. (1-520): Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand. http://tfl.nu/cdsz
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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  (732): im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob" http://tfl.nu/kv4b
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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  (313): I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents. http://tfl.nu/eaix
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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  (425): Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend? http://tfl.nu/fd94
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone

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  (815): Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone http://tfl.nu/4nil
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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  (314): At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving? http://tfl.nu/o7j4
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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  (504): He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life. http://tfl.nu/mz8p
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.

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  (678): Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless. http://tfl.nu/cahf
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Mattress luging...It's a long story.

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  (503): Mattress luging...It's a long story. http://tfl.nu/0tlk
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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  (989): I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it. http://tfl.nu/prf6
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You coming home soon, man?

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  HENBARSCLOSE

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  (902): You coming home soon, man? (1-902): HENBARSCLOSE http://tfl.nu/z787
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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  (417): Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable http://tfl.nu/hmli
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  (408): View more from California

  that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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  (408): that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it http://tfl.nu/gsrb
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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  (360): Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why. http://tfl.nu/20py
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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  (808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori
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  (904): View more from Florida

  hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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  (904): hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway. http://tfl.nu/oo0k
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

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  (610): you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee. http://tfl.nu/x3vo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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  (843): Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW. http://tfl.nu/o3ak
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

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  (713): I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume. http://tfl.nu/yxor
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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  (608): We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth. http://tfl.nu/k58a
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  (850): View more from Florida

  idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'

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  (850): idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots' http://tfl.nu/6gvu
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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  (907): She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone. http://tfl.nu/lil1
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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  (501): I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay (602): I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay" http://tfl.nu/cfbv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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  (412): Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after http://tfl.nu/0llh
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.

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  (903): I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times. http://tfl.nu/nwwj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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  (732): He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/grbq
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.

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  (630): Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/ain1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.

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  (678): Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job. http://tfl.nu/5ogs
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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  (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone. http://tfl.nu/9w3d
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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  (816): Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again http://tfl.nu/gicy
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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  (260): apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much" http://tfl.nu/w7s7
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.

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  (304): Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer. http://tfl.nu/4dxu
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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  (519): Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator? http://tfl.nu/y95u
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  (315): View more from New York

  i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today

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  (315): i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today http://tfl.nu/vzvz
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.

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  (903): I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron. http://tfl.nu/xifm
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  (909): View more from California

  that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though

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  (909): that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though http://tfl.nu/jicr
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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  (980): Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened" http://tfl.nu/41rs
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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  (907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron. http://tfl.nu/g77l
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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  (401): You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas. http://tfl.nu/h7nj
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  (626): View more from California

  do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?

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  (626): do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom? http://tfl.nu/95nz
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.

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  (816): I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird. http://tfl.nu/t4fk
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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  (215): Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney http://tfl.nu/cbnm
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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  (864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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  (503): Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/cj8d
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.

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  (765): Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100. http://tfl.nu/hfgw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."

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  (318): He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds." http://tfl.nu/nj0z
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked

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  (616): I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked http://tfl.nu/2vrw
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  (409): View more from Texas

  You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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  (409): You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you. http://tfl.nu/firf
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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  (401): Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight. http://tfl.nu/rdc4
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  (607): View more from New York

  no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

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  (607): no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not. http://tfl.nu/m099
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.

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  (914): Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again. http://tfl.nu/50dk
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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  (419): having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance... http://tfl.nu/f7dv
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  (607): View more from New York

  Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?

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  (607): Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be? http://tfl.nu/nsuv
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  (949): View more from California

  So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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  (949): So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right? http://tfl.nu/9g1d
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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  (615): But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume... http://tfl.nu/x6iy
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  (239): View more from Florida

  they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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  (239): they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out http://tfl.nu/ncls
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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  (980): when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space. http://tfl.nu/ayzt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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  (+44): 24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good. http://tfl.nu/55h0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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  (609): I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from. http://tfl.nu/yx57
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string

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  (403): I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string http://tfl.nu/a9dp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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  (612): i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore. http://tfl.nu/6de5
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  (626): View more from California

  I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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  (626): I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner http://tfl.nu/0q4j
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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  (517): But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever. http://tfl.nu/ir44
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody

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  (774): its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody http://tfl.nu/wrf2
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.

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  (815): Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night. http://tfl.nu/jyfi
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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  (334): It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls. http://tfl.nu/cfx1
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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  (623): I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard. http://tfl.nu/xo35
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

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  (412): don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50 http://tfl.nu/kftz
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

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  (864): Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot. http://tfl.nu/kmo6
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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  (860): I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think. http://tfl.nu/zuxj
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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  (812): I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me. http://tfl.nu/jath
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  (424): View more from California

  he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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  (424): he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety http://tfl.nu/36fw
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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  (724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx
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  (425): View more from Washington

  This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?

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  (425): This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it? http://tfl.nu/qkoi
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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  (217): he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon... http://tfl.nu/u7gi
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes

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  (920): I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes http://tfl.nu/1teg
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

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  (304): I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face http://tfl.nu/lyd3
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?

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  (317): What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am? http://tfl.nu/0wpx
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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  (204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard? http://tfl.nu/3z7i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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  (404): Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge. http://tfl.nu/3ppt
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What should I wear?

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

  (206): View more from Washington

  I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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  (206): What should I wear? (808): Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar (206): I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys." http://tfl.nu/2bo9
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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  (267): Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder? http://tfl.nu/3p5i
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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  (248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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  (613): Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big. http://tfl.nu/u6h6
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  (323): View more from California

  Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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  (323): Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy. http://tfl.nu/58l0
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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  (513): I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life. http://tfl.nu/fi4n
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

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  (907): On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face http://tfl.nu/k6gh
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

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  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
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  (509): View more from Washington

  i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

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  (509): i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/8fl0
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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  (401): 1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey http://tfl.nu/ks1h
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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  (516): Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/dwjq
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  (760): View more from California

  can you blow me for old times sake

  (951): View more from California

  only for old times sake

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  (760): can you blow me for old times sake (951): only for old times sake http://tfl.nu/ab6d
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  (244): View more from

  There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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  (244): There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other http://tfl.nu/rd7y
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

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  (604): the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/g0q9
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Breakfast tacos?

  (1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

  YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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  (832): Breakfast tacos? (1-832): YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS http://tfl.nu/haxw
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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  (216): you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission http://tfl.nu/qszs
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  (209): View more from California

  His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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  (209): His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that. http://tfl.nu/z9b7
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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  (505): judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too. http://tfl.nu/lecl
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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  (520): Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals (480): Are you high and at a petting zoo again? http://tfl.nu/ph9z
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel awful

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Physically or morally

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

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  (513): I feel awful (1-513): Physically or morally (513): Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances. http://tfl.nu/3wvv
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?

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  (+44): You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman? http://tfl.nu/pxap
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

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  (604): As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck. http://tfl.nu/89l5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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  (401): I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish http://tfl.nu/yvgk
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  (707): View more from California

  I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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  (707): I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/fbru
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
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  (850): View more from Florida

  that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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  (850): that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick http://tfl.nu/ww0j
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

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  (910): Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain. http://tfl.nu/bmw5
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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  (402): I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9... http://tfl.nu/1jeo
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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  (406): I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works." http://tfl.nu/3ym3
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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  (251): He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested. (1-251): Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling. http://tfl.nu/pby0
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.

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  (386): Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am. http://tfl.nu/mad5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

  (509): View more from Washington

  You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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  (303): Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it? (509): You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge. http://tfl.nu/hjyd
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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  (250): You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians. http://tfl.nu/wcxi
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?

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  (631): I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic? http://tfl.nu/b6xp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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  (612): Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you http://tfl.nu/lizp
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even

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  (317): Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night... (317): Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even http://tfl.nu/pe86
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.

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  (570): He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall. http://tfl.nu/bycp
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  (817): View more from Texas

  One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?

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  (817): One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night? http://tfl.nu/ookm
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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  (859): i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex http://tfl.nu/qgsg
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...

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  (541): apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex... http://tfl.nu/6yny
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember

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  (251): He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember http://tfl.nu/p8oz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Come over. Drunk tacos.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  That isn't even a sentence.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I kept the important parts.

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  (214): Come over. Drunk tacos. (1-214): That isn't even a sentence. (214): I kept the important parts. http://tfl.nu/2pq0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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  (919): At what point would you like us to save you from yourself? http://tfl.nu/30aa
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt

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  (413): i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt http://tfl.nu/1w7q
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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  (402): You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement. http://tfl.nu/xw5k
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.

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  (505): Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath. http://tfl.nu/rm8d
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.

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  (706): When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me. http://tfl.nu/9m66
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  French fry pizza

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Are you brilliant or just really high?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can't it be both?

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  (330): French fry pizza (502): Are you brilliant or just really high? (330): Can't it be both? http://tfl.nu/8jk8
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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  (480): I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet http://tfl.nu/9wvg
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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  (601): It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face. http://tfl.nu/wypl
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  ugh yes i love our date nights

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  (814): i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey (1-814): ugh yes i love our date nights http://tfl.nu/d1p8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help

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  (614): He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help http://tfl.nu/0uoq
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

  (1-252): View more from North Carolina

  I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

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  (252): I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars (1-252): I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers http://tfl.nu/w67j
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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  (314): I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio. http://tfl.nu/grri
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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  (732): we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle http://tfl.nu/y8fm
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to decorate you...

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  (269): It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair. (1-269): I just wanted to decorate you... http://tfl.nu/gax7
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"

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  (616): Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son" http://tfl.nu/3jto
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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  (+44): I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God http://tfl.nu/m4vw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

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  (203): apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis http://tfl.nu/rw8g
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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  (810): We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock. http://tfl.nu/wrss
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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  (515): She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during http://tfl.nu/5f1x
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  (817): View more from Texas

  But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities

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  (817): But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities http://tfl.nu/pt4w
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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  (276): You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat. http://tfl.nu/s2nm
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

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  (231): I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it. http://tfl.nu/oche
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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  (734): It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/kgmn
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.

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  (206): Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have. http://tfl.nu/w5t0
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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  (814): I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos. http://tfl.nu/dk8h
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless

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  (774): Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless http://tfl.nu/p1o5
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.

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  (815): In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up. http://tfl.nu/thus
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?

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  (605): How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts? http://tfl.nu/1g9l
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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  (781): Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured (617): I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed http://tfl.nu/ilci
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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  (860): Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success. http://tfl.nu/qxy1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

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  (303): Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week? http://tfl.nu/361o
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.

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  (314): You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left. http://tfl.nu/9ybp
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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  (410): ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised? (860): Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time http://tfl.nu/9nef
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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  (573): You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up. (816): Sorry about that. Except for the cookies. http://tfl.nu/ub9m
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait

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  (617): I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship (617): Wait http://tfl.nu/k9zo
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  (716): View more from New York

  For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.

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  (716): For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st. http://tfl.nu/kimy
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

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  (309): there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s http://tfl.nu/9pu3
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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  (780): Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it... http://tfl.nu/howp
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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  (401): I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again http://tfl.nu/o3kd
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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  (904): You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition. http://tfl.nu/ww1r
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.

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  (267): i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man. http://tfl.nu/8n1a
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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  (253): I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips http://tfl.nu/j5et
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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  (780): Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses http://tfl.nu/pn1w
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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  (479): If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough. http://tfl.nu/qsaq
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  (408): View more from California

  I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.

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  (408): I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER. http://tfl.nu/adi1
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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  (321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical. http://tfl.nu/ps02
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  (408): View more from California

  I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

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  (408): I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/f5jy
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.

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  (251): I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this. http://tfl.nu/9nyi
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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  (678): Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary. http://tfl.nu/nvwp
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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  (605): Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing http://tfl.nu/3itv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her

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  (201): i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her http://tfl.nu/006u
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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  (847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light. http://tfl.nu/vezf
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.

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  (815): yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead. http://tfl.nu/wa3x
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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  (765): Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me. http://tfl.nu/xef4
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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  (419): I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook http://tfl.nu/40z7
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.

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  (985): Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world. (504): That's so nerdy and hot at the same time. http://tfl.nu/tw1i
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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  (709): You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese. http://tfl.nu/dujc
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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  (902): it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be? http://tfl.nu/eobh
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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  (757): almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight. http://tfl.nu/a50k
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"

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  (802): Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way" http://tfl.nu/zpi3
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

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  (479): Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me http://tfl.nu/g33s
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  (760): View more from California

  I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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  (760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day. http://tfl.nu/8ipd
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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  (208): I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend http://tfl.nu/wdl5
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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  (403): I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time http://tfl.nu/r2ul
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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  (714): I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off. http://tfl.nu/39nr
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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  (386): I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness http://tfl.nu/l65r
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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  (541): Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots. http://tfl.nu/feja
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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  (512): You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you. http://tfl.nu/zer9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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  (317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me. http://tfl.nu/xee4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.

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  (847): I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it. http://tfl.nu/yf92
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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  (651): So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it. http://tfl.nu/j4ss
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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  (651): No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/9hze
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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  (732): How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar http://tfl.nu/83wg
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

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  (512): Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality. http://tfl.nu/tw8x
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  (512): View more from Texas

  he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

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  (512): he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear" http://tfl.nu/1ofq
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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  (570): You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash. http://tfl.nu/b0ts
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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  (708): I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving. http://tfl.nu/rym8
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that

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  (406): She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that http://tfl.nu/d627
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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  (603): A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you. http://tfl.nu/2hjp
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night

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  (865): Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night http://tfl.nu/c61e
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  (954): View more from Florida

  in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.

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  (954): in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume. http://tfl.nu/xcgb
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  (310): View more from California

  You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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  (310): You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders. http://tfl.nu/xfao
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  (631): View more from New York

  So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here

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  (631): So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here http://tfl.nu/ydin
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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  (330): Want me to give your number to an army recruiter? (614): I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist? (330): I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us. http://tfl.nu/ti2n
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis

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  (508): if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis http://tfl.nu/xw63
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

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  (+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly. http://tfl.nu/kesy
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

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  (678): Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting? http://tfl.nu/j29m
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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  (727): You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you? http://tfl.nu/l34c
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.

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  (330): After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator. http://tfl.nu/loee
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.

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  (979): Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/p1v5
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  (818): View more from California

  You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

  (805): View more from California

  Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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  (818): You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy. (805): Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people. http://tfl.nu/c90f
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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  (604): Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks http://tfl.nu/m24y
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

  (1-619): View more from California

  Very innocently.

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  (619): I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend. (1-619): Very innocently. http://tfl.nu/o8xf
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.

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  (832): Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories. http://tfl.nu/6x0g
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
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  (914): View more from New York

  They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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  (914): They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk. http://tfl.nu/dygh
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.

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  (403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark. http://tfl.nu/dx9e
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar

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  (937): It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar http://tfl.nu/zdja
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.

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  (313): They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks. http://tfl.nu/knfo
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.

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  (917): He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat. http://tfl.nu/cst7
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.

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  (918): I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud. http://tfl.nu/vndr
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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  (678): I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation... (404): I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud. http://tfl.nu/9qj8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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  (614): I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table' http://tfl.nu/avs4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  you motherfucker

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  (512): her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening" (1-512): you motherfucker http://tfl.nu/runr
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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  (307): Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER. http://tfl.nu/f1x9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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  (317): The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome http://tfl.nu/7akx
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.

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  (314): I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume. http://tfl.nu/mjn1
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

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  (304): she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference http://tfl.nu/95t7
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  (209): View more from California

  His new job just became new places to have sex at.

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  (209): His new job just became new places to have sex at. http://tfl.nu/ezs0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Oh God.

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  (919): DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT??? (1-919): Oh God. http://tfl.nu/z02g
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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  (602): Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk. http://tfl.nu/8anb
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse

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  (216): Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse http://tfl.nu/es8j
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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  (920): We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like http://tfl.nu/fep0
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"

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  (906): You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!" http://tfl.nu/38or
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  (210): View more from Texas

  The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.

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  (210): The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple. http://tfl.nu/ks4u
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  (925): View more from California

  I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

  (1-925): View more from California

  We just have a real special relationship.

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  (925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar. (1-925): We just have a real special relationship. http://tfl.nu/gnex
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.

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  (360): I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now. http://tfl.nu/b1mw
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  (607): View more from New York

  She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

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  (607): She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine. http://tfl.nu/vfal
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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  (720): I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo. http://tfl.nu/cdzc
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?

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  (970): Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer? http://tfl.nu/hh36
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

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  (952): I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg." http://tfl.nu/4tux
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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  (330): All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule. http://tfl.nu/83wx
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

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  (802): Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom? (401): Those memories are both hazy and awesome. http://tfl.nu/ars0
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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  (352): Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman. http://tfl.nu/vqgs
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  ...i wondered where i left that...

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  (732): please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong... (1-732): ...i wondered where i left that... http://tfl.nu/q7mv
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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  (517): I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine. http://tfl.nu/qnhv
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  (518): View more from New York

  I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much

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  (518): I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much http://tfl.nu/5fop
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  (845): View more from New York

  I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try

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  (845): I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try http://tfl.nu/7nb7
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?

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  (269): You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me? http://tfl.nu/2kws
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  (360): View more from Washington

  What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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  (360): What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is. http://tfl.nu/1m0s
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  (714): View more from California

  Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

  (1-714): View more from California

  If he was naked that was me.

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  (714): Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed. (1-714): If he was naked that was me. http://tfl.nu/ou2y
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet

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  (480): We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet http://tfl.nu/q54w
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray

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  (614): The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray http://tfl.nu/ggtu
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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  (914): Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls. http://tfl.nu/u1ub
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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  (317): The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures. http://tfl.nu/juvj
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  (818): View more from California

  yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours

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  (818): yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours http://tfl.nu/fxuo
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  (646): View more from New York

  How was the rest of your night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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  (646): How was the rest of your night? (917): A little fuzzy and a lot naked. http://tfl.nu/r63c
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  (+55): View more from

  Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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  (+55): Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept. http://tfl.nu/o11x
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  (530): View more from California

  It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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  (530): It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle. http://tfl.nu/j4o3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.

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  (678): Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch. http://tfl.nu/rrk7
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  (925): View more from California

  What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

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  (925): What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party http://tfl.nu/qwra
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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  (203): There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go (860): Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head http://tfl.nu/c9x5
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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  (917): I am lonely and I want to touch your beard http://tfl.nu/xi4z
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.

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  (615): I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause. http://tfl.nu/2yit
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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  (+61): I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer" http://tfl.nu/7qtl
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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  (516): I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears. http://tfl.nu/nh7v
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I have a theory he's part Neanderthal

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  (505): I have a theory he's part Neanderthal http://tfl.nu/4i3w
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.

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  (719): I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/5dxo
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.

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  (845): Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions. http://tfl.nu/ahrr
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  (909): View more from California

  If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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  (909): If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis http://tfl.nu/ldcq
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  (949): View more from California

  Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

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  (949): Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit? http://tfl.nu/15qi
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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  (603): you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker http://tfl.nu/4u00
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Let's drink?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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  (319): Let's drink? (1-319): Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/5wza
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I regret nothing

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  (702): Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal. (1-702): I regret nothing http://tfl.nu/jdko
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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  (847): I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet. http://tfl.nu/ancz
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?

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  (770): He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days? http://tfl.nu/yt8d
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  (509): View more from Washington

  It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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  (509): It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me! http://tfl.nu/u8n7
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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  (919): What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic. http://tfl.nu/uq7x
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

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  (503): Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it http://tfl.nu/r81k
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.

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  (615): We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video. http://tfl.nu/j3gr
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?

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  (678): Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend? http://tfl.nu/mjnu
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.

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  (605): If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again. http://tfl.nu/3u7r
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.

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  (256): She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks. http://tfl.nu/9wib
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent

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  (651): Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent http://tfl.nu/399q
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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  (708): Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/sg75
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

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  (402): We're going to catch a squirrel this summer http://tfl.nu/ykra
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.

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  (514): Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance. http://tfl.nu/bud1
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

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  (+44): I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches. http://tfl.nu/i131
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.

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  (703): I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you. http://tfl.nu/i8ov
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  (805): View more from California

  OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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  (805): OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine. http://tfl.nu/qt1j
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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  (904): Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time. http://tfl.nu/ddkn
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I have a surprise for you

  (1-254): View more from Texas

  Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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  (254): I have a surprise for you (1-254): Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy! http://tfl.nu/af5l
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

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  (512): Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food. http://tfl.nu/gt6w
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.

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  (207): you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy. http://tfl.nu/cio1
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  (631): View more from New York

  when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.

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  (631): when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro. http://tfl.nu/xp1k
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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  (402): Get your penis over here NOW. emergency http://tfl.nu/eywx
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

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  (260): If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok? http://tfl.nu/erl3
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  (509): View more from Washington

  So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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  (509): So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila" http://tfl.nu/anii
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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  (508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up. http://tfl.nu/f7oz
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

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  (215): I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang. http://tfl.nu/znwa
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  (530): View more from California

  I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big

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  (530): I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big http://tfl.nu/j8o0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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  (210): Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night. http://tfl.nu/v64u
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

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  (603): Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night http://tfl.nu/dak1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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  (541): You would be my first round pick for a drinking team http://tfl.nu/sq48
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex

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  (203): I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex http://tfl.nu/1qp3
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

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  (440): I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found" http://tfl.nu/rmaa
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.

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  (520): I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me. http://tfl.nu/h8vm
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

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  (419): He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer. http://tfl.nu/ld4h
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

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  (651): Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker. http://tfl.nu/umuy
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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  (817): You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman. http://tfl.nu/6t1t
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  "So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins

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  (304): "So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins http://tfl.nu/eetx
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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  (870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious http://tfl.nu/hhr4
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  (914): View more from New York

  I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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  (914): I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements. http://tfl.nu/p1je
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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  (610): One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings... (610): And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually. http://tfl.nu/lwux
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