Texts From Last Night

crazydr13's Favorites Texts:

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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86055) Bad night (8367)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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  (937): Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover http://tfl.nu/h2d8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.

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  (847): Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals. http://tfl.nu/x5r2
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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  (225): How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention? http://tfl.nu/dhyh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (180) Good night (36457) Bad night (4989)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
  Replies (87) Good night (25730) Bad night (4378)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
  Replies (118) Good night (26864) Bad night (4285) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
  Replies (203) Good night (44704) Bad night (3913) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
  Replies (116) Good night (65431) Bad night (3900) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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  (217): He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP! http://tfl.nu/1t3i
  Replies (5) Good night (892) Bad night (3664) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65370) Bad night (3434)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  which one looks the most like her?

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  (704): help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up (919): which one looks the most like her? http://tfl.nu/a8tn
  Replies (31) Good night (1250) Bad night (3353)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
  Replies (203) Good night (116768) Bad night (3272) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
  Replies (68) Good night (27466) Bad night (3092) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38401) Bad night (3070)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66700) Bad night (2994) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (207): View more from Maine

  he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem

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  (207): he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem http://tfl.nu/s9hf
  Replies (7) Good night (1040) Bad night (2834)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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  (740): He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over http://tfl.nu/br0o
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (51224) Bad night (2583) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
  Replies (166) Good night (28023) Bad night (2531) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (714): View more from California

  Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

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  (714): Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again. http://tfl.nu/2ucs
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51553) Bad night (2260)
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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  (847): I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt? http://tfl.nu/o3a9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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  (+44): If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse. http://tfl.nu/1ru8
  Replies (6) Good night (1294) Bad night (2078) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (49033) Bad night (2040) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (116) Good night (46407) Bad night (2024) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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  (256): I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed. http://tfl.nu/8aru
  Replies (28) Good night (4987) Bad night (1933) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38055) Bad night (1811)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27825) Bad night (1798) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.

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  (803): I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone. http://tfl.nu/wy7e
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (104) Good night (38276) Bad night (1720)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46583) Bad night (1692)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
  Replies (68) Good night (27427) Bad night (1642)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (85) Good night (38111) Bad night (1620)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
  Replies (79) Good night (37747) Bad night (1567) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40120) Bad night (1529)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

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  (775): THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL. http://tfl.nu/wgt5
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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  (918): Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic... http://tfl.nu/yey5
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Houston, we have a squirter

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  (704): Houston, we have a squirter http://tfl.nu/27k8
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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  (443): You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault." http://tfl.nu/r5ek
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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  (908): just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep. http://tfl.nu/seq6
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.

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  (724): Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard. http://tfl.nu/7cwy
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Thanks, mom.

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  (513): Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection! (1-513): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/k49b
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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  (502): She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage.... http://tfl.nu/ha8c
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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  (740): we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke http://tfl.nu/7na0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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  (706): Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate. http://tfl.nu/5lpe
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  (850): View more from Florida

  ....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP

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  (850): ....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP http://tfl.nu/qpvz
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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  (973): That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy http://tfl.nu/xazq
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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  (419): Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico http://tfl.nu/934w
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (727): View more from Florida

  just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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  (727): just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer http://tfl.nu/wsrg
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  (925): View more from California

  Did we literally take a cab across the street

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  (925): Did we literally take a cab across the street http://tfl.nu/hdnq
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  I respect that

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  (508): I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice (1-508): I respect that http://tfl.nu/enis
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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  (217): Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people http://tfl.nu/d4g4
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  (425): View more from Washington

  She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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  (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala. http://tfl.nu/a9hq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.

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  (+44): Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk. http://tfl.nu/h6fl
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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  (606): Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens http://tfl.nu/90cr
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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  (425): Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet? http://tfl.nu/nobj
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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  (301): I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2dnv
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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  (602): shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry http://tfl.nu/ty7k
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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  (678): Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out http://tfl.nu/g5nx
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  (661): View more from California

  u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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  (661): u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom http://tfl.nu/4j5d
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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  (561): i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks. http://tfl.nu/2sae
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  (562): View more from California

  she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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  (562): she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/ejvb
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....

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  (225): Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss.... http://tfl.nu/pts0
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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  (414): Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests. http://tfl.nu/dptn
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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  (817): I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in http://tfl.nu/jhp8
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time

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  (781): In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time http://tfl.nu/v2fu
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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  (575): you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat. http://tfl.nu/lmrm
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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  (509): I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier. http://tfl.nu/0psb
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  (406): View more from Montana

  As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

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  (406): As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends" http://tfl.nu/0sp9
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

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  (316): I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants. http://tfl.nu/tqrn
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

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  (814): Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk http://tfl.nu/i4kc
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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  (757): I believe some people would call last night an orgy. http://tfl.nu/5qwc
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  no more duck duck goose at the bar

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  (484): no more duck duck goose at the bar http://tfl.nu/05y7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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  (512): we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja http://tfl.nu/0h0h
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  (207): View more from Maine

  this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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  (207): this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go! http://tfl.nu/gugi
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.

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  (623): im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet. http://tfl.nu/it1a
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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  (780): The key to alley sex is drunkeness. http://tfl.nu/zhh3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

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  (610): I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010 http://tfl.nu/e381
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.

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  (403): He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love. http://tfl.nu/9ope
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.

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  (334): Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram. http://tfl.nu/7u9p
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.

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  (225): Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING. http://tfl.nu/893j
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.

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  (651): I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year. http://tfl.nu/vpjz
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  (352): View more from Florida

  he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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  (352): he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled http://tfl.nu/6wmo
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

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  (781): There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours? http://tfl.nu/3112
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  (714): View more from California

  I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.

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  (714): I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go. http://tfl.nu/ktl8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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  (515): You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included http://tfl.nu/xxv8
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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  (770): She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking. http://tfl.nu/77kz
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  (845): View more from New York

  Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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  (845): Did you bedazzle the elevator? http://tfl.nu/4rct
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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  (513): 2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless. http://tfl.nu/7smn
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This house was built for laser tag.

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  (336): This house was built for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/32ag
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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  (715): Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once. http://tfl.nu/y3bm
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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  (623): We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight http://tfl.nu/am5b
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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  (406): I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes. http://tfl.nu/2xtl
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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  (318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias http://tfl.nu/7mik
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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  (570): You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter. http://tfl.nu/i6dh
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?

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  (205): I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas? http://tfl.nu/8ynt
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  (516): View more from New York

  well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks

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  (516): well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks http://tfl.nu/b8ud
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  (407): View more from Florida

  The bars here don't close until 4!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  my legs don't close until 4

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  (407): The bars here don't close until 4! (703): my legs don't close until 4 http://tfl.nu/ja9y
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