Texts From Last Night

churchftw's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

  (310): View more from California

  wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

  (818): View more from California

  why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape (310): wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape? (818): why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES http://tfl.nu/d72u
  Replies (94) Good night (1056) Bad night (12102)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt. http://tfl.nu/ayuf
  Replies (147) Good night (1727) Bad night (5462)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller? http://tfl.nu/lnof
  Replies (34) Good night (1223) Bad night (4684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack http://tfl.nu/9hdw
  Replies (32) Good night (1253) Bad night (4665)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever. http://tfl.nu/fluu
  Replies (24) Good night (352) Bad night (3774) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks. http://tfl.nu/wi6e
  Replies (12) Good night (568) Bad night (3633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq
  Replies (55) Good night (10517) Bad night (3043) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/yov7
  Replies (25) Good night (819) Bad night (2624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27825) Bad night (1798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with. http://tfl.nu/q53z
  Replies (29) Good night (1341) Bad night (1754)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
  Replies (46) Good night (19181) Bad night (1393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5
  Replies (41) Good night (8085) Bad night (1298) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events http://tfl.nu/1mgv
  Replies (7) Good night (748) Bad night (1177) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test. http://tfl.nu/drd9
  Replies (17) Good night (5571) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker... http://tfl.nu/b9kq
  Replies (10) Good night (3837) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there. http://tfl.nu/bvrv
  Replies (27) Good night (4622) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
  Replies (63) Good night (16542) Bad night (943) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket. http://tfl.nu/pclq
  Replies (13) Good night (5758) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good. http://tfl.nu/sjs5
  Replies (62) Good night (6021) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
  Replies (43) Good night (6276) Bad night (847)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
  Replies (18) Good night (9824) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story. http://tfl.nu/x6qv
  Replies (18) Good night (6362) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better. http://tfl.nu/vuqb
  Replies (73) Good night (5760) Bad night (703) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska. http://tfl.nu/x618
  Replies (49) Good night (5418) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out http://tfl.nu/34jr
  Replies (34) Good night (4703) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted http://tfl.nu/13lv
  Replies (21) Good night (4955) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is. http://tfl.nu/8296
  Replies (20) Good night (6186) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper. (1-912): Who leaves their car unlocked at night? (912): Someone who wants to read the newspaper. http://tfl.nu/c19o
  Replies (23) Good night (6910) Bad night (556)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
  Replies (26) Good night (3825) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I wish I could teleport

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I wish I could teleport http://tfl.nu/48ko
  Replies (13) Good night (1400) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos. http://tfl.nu/20bz
  Replies (7) Good night (1368) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza" http://tfl.nu/yszc
  Replies (11) Good night (3769) Bad night (452)
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex http://tfl.nu/n8r5
  Replies (20) Good night (4223) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt