Texts From Last Night

MLOVES_T_F_L_N's Favorites Texts:

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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56825) Bad night (4686)
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  (714): View more from California

  that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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  (714): that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place. http://tfl.nu/ev8p
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (203) Good night (40001) Bad night (3193) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
  Replies (210) Good night (31708) Bad night (2853)
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
  Replies (214) Good night (51225) Bad night (2583) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51555) Bad night (2261)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39847) Bad night (1917)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
  Replies (60) Good night (24552) Bad night (1716)
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
  Replies (134) Good night (43786) Bad night (1654) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
  Replies (34) Good night (25181) Bad night (1602)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40122) Bad night (1529)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (70) Good night (39302) Bad night (1500) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38526) Bad night (1464)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
  Replies (61) Good night (30524) Bad night (1218) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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  (914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw. http://tfl.nu/h6gx
  Replies (19) Good night (5512) Bad night (1158) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.

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  (740): He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick. http://tfl.nu/4s44
  Replies (22) Good night (4707) Bad night (1139) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
  Replies (50) Good night (29859) Bad night (1107)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

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  (719): I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/zd6h
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  (818): View more from California

  Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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  (818): Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you. http://tfl.nu/btkl
  Replies (11) Good night (6598) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm bringing the tv in with me.

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  (630): Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice. (309): I'm bringing the tv in with me. http://tfl.nu/mqt8
  Replies (17) Good night (1788) Bad night (960)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (30845) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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  (214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s
  Replies (22) Good night (7972) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
  Replies (48) Good night (28545) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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  (610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
  Replies (13) Good night (2680) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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  (919): I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could. http://tfl.nu/sgrh
  Replies (7) Good night (4000) Bad night (842) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

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  (513): I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass. http://tfl.nu/kvfi
  Replies (15) Good night (2872) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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  (570): How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks" http://tfl.nu/r0yt
  Replies (26) Good night (6288) Bad night (794)
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

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  (361): Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life? http://tfl.nu/01wo
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.

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  (705): You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed. http://tfl.nu/gl5z
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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  (940): Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers http://tfl.nu/bomc
  Replies (14) Good night (3917) Bad night (742)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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  (203): No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience. http://tfl.nu/6ty7
  Replies (11) Good night (1434) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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  (620): He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening. http://tfl.nu/b9i7
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  (361): View more from Texas

  There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.

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  (361): There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked. http://tfl.nu/femh
  Replies (2) Good night (2048) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES

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  (205): WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES http://tfl.nu/watc
  Replies (15) Good night (1057) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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  (212): She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess. http://tfl.nu/ade3
  Replies (9) Good night (1207) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
  Replies (28) Good night (3580) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...

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  (413): I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve... http://tfl.nu/u07h
  Replies (6) Good night (1471) Bad night (600)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

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  (847): I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment" http://tfl.nu/bamr
  Replies (11) Good night (1115) Bad night (582)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Aren't they always?

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  (610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit" (1-610): Aren't they always? http://tfl.nu/6oqg
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

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  (857): Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works. http://tfl.nu/hgbu
  Replies (5) Good night (1814) Bad night (579)
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.

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  (587): Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is. http://tfl.nu/4v3e
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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  (605): I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us.. http://tfl.nu/2996
  Replies (20) Good night (3283) Bad night (554)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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  (970): We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest. http://tfl.nu/w1i7
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

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  (757): Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early? http://tfl.nu/0ctz
  Replies (19) Good night (1809) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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  (813): Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier. http://tfl.nu/oqez
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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  (256): Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you. http://tfl.nu/bzso
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

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  (813): I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert. http://tfl.nu/diqw
  Replies (3) Good night (818) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

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  (207): Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm. http://tfl.nu/a20h
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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  (248): It's fine...I've done worse things to better people. http://tfl.nu/e0kr
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
  Replies (8) Good night (3653) Bad night (490)
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  (310): View more from California

  I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.

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  (310): I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/eqf3
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  (817): View more from Texas

  We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden

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  (817): We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden http://tfl.nu/u7tp
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.

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  (412): Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab. http://tfl.nu/yqci
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.

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  (727): Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what. http://tfl.nu/k4ko
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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  (303): You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June. http://tfl.nu/llud
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  (516): View more from New York

  When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.

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  (516): When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners. http://tfl.nu/d16h
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail

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  (701): Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail http://tfl.nu/z3o8
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person

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  (845): Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person http://tfl.nu/riak
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

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  (734): the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity. http://tfl.nu/gric
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight

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  (540): There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight http://tfl.nu/g8si
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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  (919): Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted http://tfl.nu/7mo3
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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  (504): You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that http://tfl.nu/k4ts
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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  (651): Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it. http://tfl.nu/j2gr
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.

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  (636): I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way. http://tfl.nu/f0qk
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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  (641): If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics. http://tfl.nu/etl3
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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  (423): I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit. http://tfl.nu/5kq2
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

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  (727): Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit. http://tfl.nu/berc
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth

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  (480): In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth http://tfl.nu/2qc1
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  (619): View more from California

  For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

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  (619): For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this. http://tfl.nu/nvhn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?

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  (832): I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested? http://tfl.nu/a21v
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  (585): View more from New York

  N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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  (585): N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/tsau
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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  (215): There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut. http://tfl.nu/e6c8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

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  (214): You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted. http://tfl.nu/igqi
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

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  (847): Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos. http://tfl.nu/unc3
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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  (318): Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch" http://tfl.nu/gqk6
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.

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  (715): I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great. http://tfl.nu/f48j
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.

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  (+64): Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please. http://tfl.nu/o748
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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  (231): A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners. http://tfl.nu/ba89
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  (631): View more from New York

  Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

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  (631): Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition. http://tfl.nu/xj5o
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  (310): View more from California

  I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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  (310): I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't. http://tfl.nu/uo1x
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.

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  (270): I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him. http://tfl.nu/jwhd
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has

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  (860): Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has http://tfl.nu/jd7y
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic

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  (973): He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic http://tfl.nu/cjxw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?

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  (850): Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date? http://tfl.nu/y6z1
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Post-sex nachos deserve a song.

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  (817): Post-sex nachos deserve a song. http://tfl.nu/enl8
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'

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  (613): It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed' http://tfl.nu/zbjr
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles

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  (612): I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles http://tfl.nu/axk7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
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  (002): View more from

  There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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  (002): There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink http://tfl.nu/tsjq
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is

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  (262): My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is http://tfl.nu/wa13
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall

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  (860): I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall http://tfl.nu/remv
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  (727): View more from Florida

  It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.

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  (727): It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside. http://tfl.nu/ic5n
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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  (202): Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed.... http://tfl.nu/91um
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

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  (920): You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died". http://tfl.nu/180h
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  (516): View more from New York

  Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time

  (917): View more from New York City

  An adult?

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  (516): Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time (917): An adult? http://tfl.nu/ka62
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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  (212): I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy" http://tfl.nu/3mee
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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  (937): Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you. http://tfl.nu/6dat
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.

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  (551): She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot. http://tfl.nu/527s
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