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so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
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