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i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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