Texts From Last Night

DrunkGunRunner's Favorites Texts:

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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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  (706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out http://tfl.nu/wj5z
  Replies (31) Good night (1589) Bad night (5734)
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  (619): View more from California

  He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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  (619): He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating. http://tfl.nu/k9pn
  Replies (9) Good night (693) Bad night (2145) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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  (781): On my way to the DMV to get arrested http://tfl.nu/1450
  Replies (8) Good night (943) Bad night (1942) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.

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  (410): The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager. http://tfl.nu/3fqc
  Replies (8) Good night (561) Bad night (1732) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46589) Bad night (1694)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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  (217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1
  Replies (35) Good night (5055) Bad night (1559) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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  (847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me http://tfl.nu/nasi
  Replies (23) Good night (6001) Bad night (1543) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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  (616): A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus? http://tfl.nu/o777
  Replies (13) Good night (6178) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12724) Bad night (1064) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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  (415): sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you. http://tfl.nu/c5wc
  Replies (24) Good night (4944) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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  (318): my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes. http://tfl.nu/jzo6
  Replies (6) Good night (4312) Bad night (954)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.

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  (509): Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe. http://tfl.nu/eubr
  Replies (2) Good night (628) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
  Replies (11) Good night (3445) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink

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  (716): took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink http://tfl.nu/qhkh
  Replies (4) Good night (446) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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  (412): there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty" http://tfl.nu/qrhn
  Replies (17) Good night (6352) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
  Replies (14) Good night (5806) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun

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  (615): The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun http://tfl.nu/o67z
  Replies (4) Good night (1262) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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  (716): Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan. http://tfl.nu/rfh9
  Replies (4) Good night (1713) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?

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  (909): It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it? http://tfl.nu/yjug
  Replies (8) Good night (1771) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4578) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
  Replies (18) Good night (3594) Bad night (531)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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  (870): He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n http://tfl.nu/cubl
  Replies (4) Good night (1561) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
  Replies (14) Good night (2270) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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  (352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again" http://tfl.nu/25pr
  Replies (6) Good night (3514) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
  Replies (6) Good night (3037) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.

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  (304): 1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills. http://tfl.nu/lzae
  Replies (10) Good night (1330) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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  (615): I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls. (1-615): Who in tha hell do u hang out with? http://tfl.nu/cxra
  Replies (5) Good night (1893) Bad night (456)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I have a surprise for you

  (1-254): View more from Texas

  Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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  (254): I have a surprise for you (1-254): Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy! http://tfl.nu/af5l
  Replies (5) Good night (2280) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?

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  (248): When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle? http://tfl.nu/70g5
  Replies (7) Good night (952) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.

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  (941): Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game. http://tfl.nu/smzi
  Replies (7) Good night (820) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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  (832): god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink. http://tfl.nu/rrfd
  Replies (2) Good night (1038) Bad night (403) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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  (314): And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb... http://tfl.nu/trz3
  Replies (11) Good night (2048) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.

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  (+61): I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden. http://tfl.nu/335z
  Replies (2) Good night (1014) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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  (914): He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared. http://tfl.nu/k0z7
  Replies (11) Good night (1882) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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  (609): Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him. http://tfl.nu/6jaw
  Replies (9) Good night (2552) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.

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  (603): Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you. http://tfl.nu/ssin
  Replies (4) Good night (1019) Bad night (380) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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  (605): I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies. http://tfl.nu/al7b
  Replies (2) Good night (1755) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

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  (843): I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today http://tfl.nu/bbq7
  Replies (12) Good night (2738) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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  (517): Here's my first problem: I'm drunk http://tfl.nu/3w5g
  Replies (13) Good night (1862) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Restraining order pending?

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  (334): She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper (205): Restraining order pending? http://tfl.nu/xpcn
  Replies (6) Good night (1107) Bad night (363)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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  (817): Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer. http://tfl.nu/fjqn
  Replies (6) Good night (916) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.

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  (908): This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar. http://tfl.nu/pvsf
  Replies (4) Good night (994) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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  (785): We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool. http://tfl.nu/h5uz
  Replies (5) Good night (1682) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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  (254): What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch? http://tfl.nu/qe37
  Replies (11) Good night (1525) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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  (307): Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick. http://tfl.nu/ynec
  Replies (14) Good night (2038) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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  (503): So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address... http://tfl.nu/a3xh
  Replies (7) Good night (1625) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened

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  (716): crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened http://tfl.nu/3r2k
  Replies (2) Good night (891) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt